With Valentine's Day bearing down on us, we're all feeling a lot of pressure to perform, but you don't need to be Casanova Jr. to be able to craft the perfect date. Put Pinterest away and check out these 16 tips to help you blow boring old "dinner and a movie" out of the water:
1. Pamper your partner with a full body massage you have none of the training or finesse to deliver.
2. Whatever your evening's itinerary, build in alone time, to spar.
3. Don't stress! Not every part of the evening will go off without a hitch. Besides, you knew this was a high risk area for sinkholes. You can't play with fire and not expect your date to fall in a sinkhole.
4. Sure, movies are fun, but try to choose activities where you and your partner can focus on each other. Those tiny flaws and failings aren't going to nitpick themselves!
5. An evening at home can be full of surprises. Ding dong! Who's that? It's the delivery guy, with italian delicacies, flowers, wine, and chocolates! And what do they have for your partner? The head of their enemy! Surprise.
6. Get parents in the mix.
7. Atmosphere is everything: Latin music, scented candles, flowing fabrics, creeping vines, prowling cats, glimmering portals, low mounds, a practicing druid, and the subtlest note of decay. Watch that underwear fly right off.
8. A skywritten message is as potent a way to say "I LOVE YOU" as it is to say "GET BENT FUCKO." Take your pick.
9. Build their head out of Legos, then burst out of it. You got this one.
10. Make it clear that this time you've changed for real.
11. Take a page from our grandparents' playbook - they knew romantic! Ask your partner to marry you with a ring you won at a street fair, and don't take no for an answer. It's never too early.
12. Certain foods are revered for their aphrodisiac properties, like oysters, avocados, and hot chilies. Why not make a sex-smoothie?
13. No one forgets a tattoo, not even Lenny Memento.
14. Cook! Time, effort, and care mean a lot more than an expensive dinner ever could. Then watch as your partner tears your display of love to pieces and turns it to shit, like they do everything else.
15. Don't overdo it, or they'll know you're a spaz.
16. Above all, love yourself. The rest will sort itself out, probably.
(by Dan Abromowitz)