5 people who totally ruined this week for us.

5 people who totally ruined this week for us.
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5 people who totally ruined this week for us.

5. John Boehner? The Tea Party? Obama? Boehner? The Tea Party? Probably the Tea Party. This concludes week 2 of America's temporary reversion to the Articles of Confederation (I kid, of course. We don't even have that much of a federal government). As we each sit in our temporarily unsupervised state territories (I just heard a bunch of white separatists get an erection as I wrote that), we have to wonder who we should cold-cock in the face should we ever get the chance. Fox News, shockingly, believes that the shutdown is A.) Good for America, because it was the GOP's idea, but also B.) Horrible, hurting veterans, and all thanks to Barack Obama. There is a word for holding two opposing ideas in your head at the same time, I think. If you watch the rest of the Lamestream Media, it's all the GOP's fault because this is their last-ditch attempt not to admit that the only problem with Obamacare (besides being drawn entirely from Republican ideas) is the black guy whose name is on it. Also, the Koch brothers. Somehow. I can't even keep track anymore, but I'm pretty sure the problem is (dun dun dunnnnnn) crazy people, aka the Tea Party. There are crazy people loose inside the Capitol, and I'm pretty sure a lot of them have concealed handgun permits. They don't care what might happen if they blow the place up. That's why they come in ahead of Boehner, Reid, McConnell, Pelosi and Obama in the blame game—because those other guys (except McConnell, who is an ancient reptile and feels none of our human emotions) are now scared enough of the nutjobs that they'll start talking. A little. UGGGHHHH. JMC

 

5 people who totally ruined this week for us.

4. Whoever started Fat-Shaming Week on Twitter. The creators of Return of Kings, which despite all appearances is not a parody, did a great job of Internet trolling and being assholes this week when they declared it Fat-Shaming Week. Twitter is full of douchebags, who responded to that call. Because nothing guaranteees you're completely secure in your own body more than being assholes to a group that's already marginalized and degraded. I would suggest you all probably have tiny penises, but I try not to judge people by how they look. —SRD

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3. Anti-Semitic videographers. When Stan and Claudia Gocman got married in London last August, they opted for Anthony Aurelius's "bronze" video package. What they didn't realize was that the bronze package came with a heavy dose of anti-Semitism. First, Aurelius sent the couple a video of the wrong wedding. When he finally sent them their own, unedited wedding footage 9 months later, they found that it "had key moments missing and more shots of guests' backs than their faces." But more important, Aurelius somehow didn't realize his not-at-all romantic commentary—"Mental, Israeli dancing, isn't it? There's a real feeling of like, they're better than everybody else. Jewish" and "I don't think I blame Hitler"—was caught on tape. Once the bride complained, Aurelius wrote a really, really weird apology note, in which he said "We know, in truth, very little about what went on in the war." True, I suppose (sort of?). But we're pretty sure about what that Hitler guy did, right? —SRD

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5 people who totally ruined this week for us.

2. Mark Zuckerberg. Shockingly, posting your personal information on Facebook continues to be a hazard. Now, you will have to block people individually if you want them to not be able to find you in Facebook's search function. I don't totally understand how this is different from the way I assumed Facebook already operated, but it sounds dangerous and I'm upset and angry. I'm not about to let a website I voluntarily signed up for and continue to use despite its apparent detrimental effects on my mental health and obvious culling of my personal information abuse my trust. I demand that someone protect my right to blithely believe that Facebook cares about me! —SRD

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1. Bruce Braley. You have to be truly, truly out of touch to think complaining about the lack of towel service at the House Gym is going to win you any votes come next election. Bruce Braley (D-IA) appeared on The Bill Press Show on Wednesday, where he complained about lack of towels in the House Gym. When asked about the cost of the gym, Braley said he wasn't sure of the monthly cost but knew the annual cost (hint: divide by 12). The cost is $260 per year, which in New York City will buy you a flock of rats that will chase you through the streets until you work up a sweat/get rabies. Please don't complain to us, buddy. —SRD

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