(file photo of people who might be Japanese deciding whether to bother with sex or not)

5. Japanese youth who aren't having sex anymore, signaling the beginning of end times. The Japanese media are in a frenzy over what they call "celibacy syndrome," a phenomenon in which many Japanese youth are choosing to remain single. Japanese people aren't having babies, and their population is expected to shrink by a third by 2060 (of course, earth won't exist by then—see #2—but still). Whether the causes are economic or cultural, or the whole thing is being blown way out of proportion, I can't help but feel that this—more than sinkholes or the Tea Party—is the first sign of the apocalypse. People wanting to spend 98% of their time staring at screens, sure. But people not wanting to spend the other 2% of their time having reckless, frequently regrettable unprotected sex? Our species is doomed. —SRD