5. Sinead O'Connor. Though her open letter to Miley was no doubt well-intentioned and fairly kind, we can't forgive Sinead for provoking Miley to be even more obnoxious and appear in even fewer articles of clothing. Today, Miley tweeted a variety of hateful things at Sinead (and took an unnecessary swipe at Amanda Bynes), suggesting that she did not take kindly to being called out in a public forum and told, essentially, to grow the eff up. In addition, we got a whole new set of frightening (NSFW) Miley photos, in which her breasts and genitalia appear to be struggling to break free from her clothing. Stay in there, guys! You can do this! —SRD
4. The Republicans Who Hijacked WWII Veterans Trying To Visit Their Monument. In case you somehow missed it, some WWII veterans traveled to Washington with the Honor Flight program, only to find the WWII monument was closed due to the shutdown. Here is the story the conservative media blared out non-stop: Tea Party congresspeople, upon hearing about this, rushed from their offices to heroically help these victims of Obama's refusal to cooperate. There they "stormed" (i.e. gently moved aside) the barricades. Someone should have made an exception for the WWII monument. We all agree on that, but all the parks were closed. All of them. Honor Flight is a wonderful, non-partisan program that both parties love to support, and there were Democratic congresspeople at this event, too. Even more in reality, the Tea Party is the reason that the park was closed.
These same Tea Partiers are the ones who made it impossible for our veterans to go to the park, veterans who fought for a country where the parties actually worked together, veterans from the generation that passed the recently-gutted Civil Rights Act and the Great Society reforms that the Tea Party desperately wants destroyed. National embarrassment Sarah Palin even weighed in with her delightful little neologism, "Barrycades," as if Obama had put the fences up himself and flipped off our D-Day veterans. You know where the Tea Party people were not? They were not with the child cancer patients who were turned away from new clinical trials at National Institute of Health, or any of the other research centers where samples and tests began to decompose and become useless. They were not at pre-school programs for poor kids that were shut down. These festering boils of hypocrisy were nowhere to be found for one simple reason: The only people who vote Republican anymore are old, white, and still terrified of the 60s. So they pretend to help the same veteran seniors that they in fact screwed over for the cameras, and I sincerely doubt whether anyone else affected by this shutdown has even crossed their minds. I'm going to go watch Jon Stewart now and let him yell for me. —JMC
3. Pennsylvania governor Tom Corbett, who compared gay marriage to incest. In an interview with a local news channel, Corbett tried to clarify an earlier controversial remark that gay marriage was like marriage between 12-year-olds, in that both should be illegal. After coming under fire for that comment, Corbett revised his position to say gay marriage was like marriage between a brother and a sister. Here's the correct analogy, you smirking a-hole, and it's an easy one to remember: gay marriage is like heterosexual marriage. Luckily, the marriage between Pennsylvania and this pathetic excuse for a governor will hopefully soon be over. —SRD
2. The group that nominated Vladimir Putin for a Nobel Peace Prize. As if to suggest the Nobel Peace Prize hadn't already lost all meaning, the International Academy of Spiritual Unity and Cooperation of Peoples of the World (which doesn't at all sound made up) nominated Mr. Putin for a Nobel Peace Prize this week. The group says Putin has been instrumental in forging in agreement with Bashar Assad to get the latter to turn over his chemical weapons to international authorities. What it doesn't say is that many of the weapons Assad has been using against civilians come from none other than the shirtless horseback rider himself! Okay, so maybe being nominated doesn't mean much and yes, sure, they gave Obama one of these and he probably didn't deserve it either, but is the correct response to nominate the most laughable candidate ever? —SRD
1. Administrators at a Mexican day care who expelled a girl for having two dads. I can't wait for this story to feel hilariously antiquated. Alex and Pepe were legally married in Mexico City, and wanted to send their daughter to the exclusive Hills Institute in Monterrey. But school officials warned them that they'd have to keep their relationship a secret, and when the duo protested, their daughter was expelled. It's a story that almost makes the United States look progressive, and that is truly pathetic. —SRD