5 people who totally ruined this week for us.

5 people who totally ruined this week for us.
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5. The Brazilian prostitute who forced us to think of Justin Bieber as a sleeping innocent. Someone who may or may not just have had prostitute sex with Justin Bieber posted this video to YouTube this week, forcing us all to consider that The Biebs isn't always a little monster—sometimes, he's just a sleepy teenager who needs a Hot Pocket and a nap. There are so many aspects of Justin Bieber that are better left to the imagination, and his post-coital dream face is one of them. Let the man-child cultivate his persona as a bad boy, because thinking of him as an exhausted, self-centered little puppy makes us feel a little sick. —SRD

 

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(file photo, included mostly so you'd involuntarily start craving pizza)

4. The FDA, for banning delicious trans fats. With news that the FDA is banning trans fats, Americans will have to find new and exciting ways to clog our arteries. Many baked goods, frozen pizzas, and microwave popcorn still rely on trans fats to deliver that buttery flavor everyone loves, but you'd have to eat a lot more actual butter to achieve the same artery clogging experience. And Americans are up to that challenge! After all, it's our Constitutional right to destroy our bodies. As Benjamin Franklin once said, "There must be something we haven't covered in bacon yet." —SRD

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(screengrab via Today)

3. The producers of the 'Today Show,' for thinking the best way to promote prostate health was for Matt and Al to get prostate exams live. Matt Lauer has officially ruined our week two weeks in a row now, but we're starting to think the show's producers are to blame. This week, urologist David Samadi of Lenox Hill examined Matt and Al Roker (one at a time) behind a closed door, while viewers at home were left to imagine fingers going up buttholes. While I think the choice of putting them in another room was meant to be classy, it was undermined by Samadi's comments, which included that he had to lose five pounds to get his finger up Matt's tight little anus, and that he was going to use two fingers on Al to be extra thorough. Really. He really said those things on live TV. —SRD

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(screengrab via Toronto Star)

2. Rob Ford, for setting the scandal bar so high, it may never be topped in our lifetimes.  Listen, CIA Director John Brennan could walk onto the floor of the House tomorrow, drop a stack of files on the podium and say "there. There's all the proof. We shot JFK," and it would not be as enthralling as the Rob Ford debacle. More important, yes. More shocking, yes. More delightful? Never. As always, scandal is way more fun when spiced with hypocrisy, and Ford was a city-employee-payroll-slashing, city-services-cutting, let's-stop-giving-the-poor-so-much-money behemoth. He was an anti-poor, anti-public-services Republican type. Except after complaining about strapping young bucks buying t-bones like Reagan, he then went down to the less savory parts of town with a police escort so he could get into "one of [his] drunken stupors" and smoke crack with drug dealers. I mean, really. "OK, OK!" you say. "WE GET IT WITH THE CRACK!" But that's not all. Now there's a video from this summer of him stumbling around drunk and literally threatening to commit "first-degree murder" against someone who insulted him and his brother. He actually said first-degree murder. He threatened to rip the unnamed victim's throat out and poke out his eyes. Rob Ford, everyone. We shall never see his ilk again, for he is a man who belongs not to this time, but to the age of legends. Stupid, fat fucking legends.   JMC

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(Getty)

1. Barack Obama, for screwing up the Obamacare rollout beyond Fox News's wildest dreams. First you build a website that makes Yahoo!'s new email layout look slick. Now you own up to having been wrong when you said everyone could keep their health coverage. Swear to God, you had better reread the fine print of that law and make sure you didn't accidentally for real throw in a death panel somewhere. You might think you get points for admitting you messed up with the "you can keep your health insurance" thing, but the other side doesn't play by admitting to being wrong. Ever. The people commenting on this post don't care that the only reason anyone's going to have to switch health insurance plans is almost certainly because their current plan is so shitty it's actually against the law for them to be on it. All they see is, "Obama admits he lied about Obamacare." Tell everyone on your staff to cancel their trips to the apple orchard this weekend. No one goes home until you get this shit together, Barack. —BP

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