5. Nancy Grace, and everyone on Twitter who can't help but riff on whatever is the latest breaking story no matter how little they actually give a shit. Swear to God, we had no idea who Jodi Arias was until she was convicted of murder this week. We probably would have continued to not know had it not been for two things: Ms. Nancy Grace (the avenger-in-chief of cable news), and everyone we follow on Twitter who absolutely have to weigh in on whatever's trending no matter how little they actually care. Now we find out this white lady killed somebody five goddamn years ago? We're having trouble maintaining our interest long enough even to complain about this story. TV's been really good lately. We don't need cable news to whip up the frenzy of a white lady murder trial to keep us entertained. We still have some episodes of The Americans to get through, so we're good.
4. People who don't understand why lion tacos are awesome. A Tampa restaurant that serves exotic tacos filled with beaver, shark, and camel meat was nearly forced to remove lion tacos from their menu after experiencing a huge backlash from people who love lions all of a sudden. Who says we can't eat lions? Why are lions different from cows or chickens or whatever is in IKEA meatballs these days? Here Taco Fusion is, with this brilliant idea of inverting the food chain. Instead of being hunted by these great beasts, we were going to be the ones paying for previously killed lions cut into manageable bite-size chunks. On the other hand, where do these sick taco people get off serving otter tacos? That is just plain wrong.
3. The makers of Snapchat for lying about our dick pics automatically disappearing. Apparently some forensics company figured out that recovering those supposedly irrecoverable Snapchat pics is about as easy as converting the file extension on a saved image. So, um, you guys might soon see some pics of a member of our staff naked except for the words "Hop On The Fun Stick" written in cottage cheese on his chest with an arrow pointing at his erection. That was just for a project we were working on. About, um, fun. And cooking. Damn you, Snapchat, for not letting us make horrible, drunken decisions with no consequences!
2. People dressing up for the 'Gatsby' premiere because they're excited that the last book they read was made into a movie. If you list The Great Gatsby as one of your favorite books on Facebook, you're automatically outting yourself as a moron who hasn't read anything longer than a Salon.com article since high school. It's not that F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel doesn't deserve the praise you're heaping upon it, it's just that everyone who claims they love it also happens to be stupid. Also, you obviously missed something if your reaction to reading what is essentially a condemnation of excess is dressing up in garish jewelry and having a flapper party. Interpreting one of the best novels of the 20th century: you're doing it wrong.
1. People who insist on getting married and having a wedding we have to go to. Ever since we were a little girl, we dreamed of bankrupting ourselves in an attempt to attend dozens of our friend's insanely expensive destination weddings. Of course, we are so, so happy that ten of our friends found the loves of their lives this year and decided to tie the knot. We just wish that they could tie it somewhere accessible to the New York City subway system and that we weren't expected to go or send a gift or wear any sort of mal-intentioned bridesmaid's dress. We'd also like to apologize for doing this to you people in 2011. It was wrong. We know that now.