5. Everyone at the IRS. Nice job, guys. You unfairly target Tea Party groups, whose main beef with the government is unfair taxation by the government, effectively giving credence to every frothing anti-government jpeg our uncles keep posting on our Facebook wall. Maybe next week someone at the Pentagon can be caught trying to withhold the "truth" from 9/11 Truthers and everyone who ruins the Internet for us can be given a new lease on life. (CNN)
4. The TMI enthusiasts at the CDC. Excited to hit the pool on Memorial Day? Maybe just stay home and rent German porn instead. The Center For Disease Control was kind enough to tell us what we were already using our Herculean powers of denial to ignore: pools are full of shit. Every time someone jumps in a pool, poo microbes get rinsed from their assholes and into your mouth, nose, ears, and they can even reattach to your asshole, mistaking it for home (it could happen if you have a loose suit). So, maybe hit the ocean, where industrial chemical polluting has probably killed most of the bacteria from raw sewage dumping. (Time)
3. Everyone who cracked jokes about a woman voluntarily getting a double-mastectomy in order to stay alive. We follow too many comedians on Twitter, we know. It's our fault. But seriously, just because it's trending, that doesn't mean you have to "find your angle." Especially if that angle is, "Aw dude, no, her boobs were so hot." Hard to say what's more annoying: Comics weighing in with snark on every big story no matter how shitty, or brands weighing in with hopes and prayers and, occasionally, recipes.
2. YouTube celebrities who insist on making us feel guilty about the few minutes we were entertained by them. So, we're not too surprised that a guy who became famous for beating someone with a hatchet is accused of murder. That doesn't mean we don't wish YouTube celebriites would just disappear into the ether a few minutes after their video goes viral. First we find out Charles Ramsey had a history of domestic violence, now the homeless guy armed with a hatchet went and killed somebody? Tomorrow we're going to find out Maru has been running a billion dollar catnip synidcate and we'll turn off the Internet forever. (CNN)
1. Millionaire movie producers who want us to give them the money to make their movies. Nice to know those starving artists behind "A Beautiful Mind" and "The Da Vinci Code" might finally get the cash they need to get a project off the ground. We expect this kind of crap from Zach Braff (if there's a way to irritate us, The Braff will find it). Crowdfunding was intended to help people who have no access to investors or industry higher ups. Since the Veronica Mars Kickstarter, it's now being used as nothing more than a marketing tool, a stunt to to demonstrate how excited fans are for the project to be made. Also, being die-hard FNL fans, we'd like to know there's more Coach Taylor in our future. But we worry that a movie adaptation of a TV series of a movie adaptation of a book might possibly cause a rift in the space-time continuum. We're not paying for that. (First Showing)