5. Edward Snowden for being way too lame to embrace as a hero. Forget, for a moment, all your political opinions. It would have been nice to have someone to point at and say, "that guy really took a stand against our overbearing government." It just would have been nice. When we found out he had dropped out of school, we tried to shrug it off and remind ourselves that Bill Gates did, too. When we found out that Hong Kong was a really stupid place to go, we thought maybe he knew something we didn't about whether China would shield him. Then, we saw his stupid gosh-darn modeling pictures, and now we can't see him as anything but an almost-pretty face and an awful leather wristband.
4. The 95% of people who don't wash their hands correctly. A study from Michigan State University has found that 95% of people in public restrooms do not wash their hands for the full 15 seconds required for cleanliness, after which they drag their germ-laden mitts across doorknobs, subway poles, and probably your lunch. This finding makes us feel a lot better about our hatred of touching people, and confirms our theory that the appropriate way to greet a handshake is with a scream. It's time to ditch this disgusting planet for Mars. Don't try to follow us.