5. Anthony Weiner, for making us feel lame about our boring, not-at-all-washbuckling sexting noms de plume. We took a roll call of our staff's sexting names and it was total yawnsville compared to "Carlos Danger." The most exciting one being used was "Sven Indisposed." The rest ranged from "Louis Amusement" to "Patty Distracted." Weiner's sexting name made us feel like we really have to up our game and, frankly, most of us would rather just go back to real-life sex before putting any more effort into it. (Pic via Getty)
4. The management at First National Bank in Athens County, OH who gave the okay to remove items from the wrong house and then basically told the homeowner, "We're a bank so we're not compensating you for shit. Screw off." So this woman came home to find her home broken into, all her stuff gone, and her locks changed. She looked into it and found out it was a bank that burglarized her, after confusing her house for the house across the street, which the bank had intended to repossess. Though the bank should obviously be charged with burglary, since they broke into a home and stole all the homeowner's shit (that's burglary when I do it!), the police told the woman the matter wasn't something they were going to pursue. When the woman sent the bank a bill to compensate her for all the shit the bank broke in and stole from her, the bank said, "Nope." So, who wants to carpool to Ohio and form a torch-wielding mob outside a bank building? I can fit three people in my Zipcar. (Via 10TV.com)
3. Jurors who trust in God to do the job they were supposed to do themselves. Juror B-29 told ABC News that "George Zimmerman got away with murder, but you can't get away from God, and at the end of the day he's going to have a lot of questions and answers he has to deal with." Wow, thanks for reassuring us that Zimmerman has been sentenced to "dealing with questions and answers." As for the God thing, a note to future jurors: Your job is to possibly punish offending felons before they do the whole "dying and going to the afterlife" thing. Please don't drop your work on God's desk.
2. The scientists who have learned how to implant false memories into the brains of mice, bringing us one step closer to finally living the joyous future promised to us in Total Recall. Thank goodness the important stuff is getting funded. Sorry to sound callous. We're glad that those poor mice now have the technology to get over a breakup more easily, but this kind of thing rarely ends well. Also, who needs fake memories? We want memory wipes and we want them now. There is no reason in this modern age that any human being should be forced to continue to remember middle school.
1. Members of the media who insist on trying to convince us that the birth of one human beast creature is more important than all the other human beast creatures when we're all no more consequential than rodents in a chaotic accidental universe. Sorry, we meant to say HOORAY FOR BABY GEORGIE!!! (Pic via Getty)