Millions of Americans attend some sort of religious service each week. It's how they check in with themselves, their higher power, and their community. But the more people who congregate at a place of worship, the more likely it is that something extremely embarrassing and regrettable is going to go down. It's just the law of averages.
1. Too bad starzychik01 took all that cough medicine, because they missed out on the free wine.
At age 6-8, I would sneak into the medicine drawer and dose myself up on Dimatapp before we had to go go to church, this way I could sleep through the service.
2. User clover_and_sage greatly misunderstood how baptisms are carried out.
When I was about 5 or so, I poked my head through the rails on the balcony at church and noticed a bald man directly under me.
I began blowing spit bubbles, watching them drip ad plop onto his shiny bald head. He would look up at me, in both anger and confusion, and I would quickly lean back, so he wouldn't see me.
This went on for sometime before a woman came up and whispered furiously to my mother that I was spitting on people. Obviously, she was humiliated.
3. Stealing communion wafers, like skunchers did, is a big sin, but all was forgiven by eating them.
Stole the Eucharist from my church to eat them at home in my room like a fiend.
4. This user's account was deleted, but somebody up there knows what they did.
When I was 4 years old I pulled the fire alarm at my moms church during sermon because I didn't want to go sit back in it
5. A lame prank by jcirque, but not any more or less funny than an in-sermon joke.
Had a fake roach attached to a wind up thing. Put it on my mom's friend's leg. She saw it and screamed. During the Sermon in church.
6. This story from deleted proves that church is probably the best possible place to pass on.
Happened a few years ago. Half-way into mass an elderly man collapsed and died. It was super awkward, the priest was flustered and didn't know whether to press on or perform Last Rites. The paramedics were called and after the man had been taken out, mass continued on. Rough day.
7. User diner88 witnessed somebody doing the one thing you shouldn't do in church, besides talk too loudly.
Guy in front of me masturbated. Was caught, denied it, got away.
8. DickPeterJohnson relates a story that made lifelong believers out of everyone in attendance that day.
A guy got hit right in the head with a bolt of lightning that busted out a window during the sermon. Didn't kill him, just knocked him the fuck out. Everybody wondered "WTF did HE do?" True story.
9. Church attendance would be up if all churches were like the one apophis-pegasus goes to, because they've got singing dogs.
Was in sunday school. One kind old lady had brought her very big, very friendly, and very quiet dog along. Everything was dandy, and the dog was outside untill the congregation started to sing. The dog came the the entrance of the church presumably to see what was going on. Then all of a sudden, Fido got a glint is his eye that could only be described as 'Jesuit like' (Catholics, you know what I mean ;) this look. Lo and behold the dog opened his mouth and began SINGING with us! Not barking. Singing. And the pooch had some pipes. Meanwhile, about half the church, including the pastor is breaking out in restrained smirks, and trying, oh so hard not to collapse in leg slapping hysterics on a sunday. Eventually, we tried to sing louder to drown him out. The dog got on its hind legs, and started singing louder. The church was vibrating like it was at a rock concert. Eventually, the songs finished, and members of the church turned around to give the dog dirty looks. Fido responded by plopping down at the church entrance, looking directly at them, and started licking his balls.
10. RazarTuk went to church in what sounds like Madonna's "Like a Prayer" video.
I caught my hair on fire at the Easter Vigil once. In high school. I was mesmerized by the melting wax and lost track of the flame.
11. User newcheer made a joyful noise that was a little too joyful.
One time I was coming back from the bathroom. It was really quiet in church at that second that I flopped down on the pew in my Sunday dress and my thighs slapped together and made the most amazingly loud fart sound.
12. CaptionBotLies has a story that can't help but remind you of "Footprints."
The toilet was clogged (only one in the building) and I had to shit real hard. So I dropped a pile on the floor near the toilet. Someone stepped in it and tracked it on the carpet in the main church ritual area.
13. Sweetness007 is very likely the Reddit user name of Mary Katherine Gallagher.
I attended a catholic grade school and my 6th grade class every Wednesday had to attend mass, so every week a different student would help the priest lead the service . Well my week came up and I had to read the scripture in mass that day, and after reading it without problems, I went to sit down next to the priest so the next kid could go. I guess I misjudged my chair that was leaning over a step because as soon as I sat down both my legs went straight up in the air and on my back I fell. Father was so embarrassed for me he tried to keep mass going but had to stop to help me up. Needless to say that was the last time I wore my uniform skirt without shorts under them.
14. User xxxserendipityxxx was moved by the spirit, or maybe just a fear of pain.
I had a bumble bee fly up my sleeve whilst everyone was praying. I shouted out "SH%T"!!!!!!
15. User snowboardbug saw a priest make a major faux pas.
Not me, but in grade school the priest gave a Christmas sermon that started with "I'm going to tell you the real story of Christmas, not about Santa. He's made up." I was in seventh grade at the time, so it didn't phase me, but imagine the number of 3rd and 4th graders that left crying.