10 signs that you need to quit your job.

10 signs that you need to quit your job.

Jobs! You have to quit them sometime, because otherwise you'll die at them. Possibly soon!


The thought of dying by falling into your office trash can is funny because sometimes you really, really, really, really really wish it would happen. Ha! (via Thinkstock)

Have you been unhappy at your job? You're not alone. It turns out that unhappiness is a basic part of the human condition, and it will follow all of us for our entire lives, nipping at our heels like a shitty stray dog, no matter what jobs we have.

That said, sometimes having a different job can make your life slightly better. At the very least, the challenging time spent transitioning from one crappy job to the next crappy job can momentarily distract you from the hounds of depression that are wailing at your door. If you are interested in distracting yourself in this way, take a look at this list of signs that it's time to quit your job.

1. The company is going under.

Maybe the company has been losing money for years, maybe there's a sudden turn in the market, or maybe the board of directors decided to literally move the company underground, where you will be forced to live as a mole person. Whatever the reason, get out now before your skin becomes pallid, your eyes lose functionality, and your bones soften to the consistency of a medium-firm sheep's-milk cheese.

2. Your boss bought everyone stress balls.

Giving employees stress balls is a fun way to say "I know I overwork you, and I don't give a shit! So instead of letting you work less, I'm giving you a fuck-you toy that you can squeeze while chanting my name over and over again just like Arya chants the name of the people she's going to kill in Game of Thrones."


3. Your significant other, parents, doctor, mailman, dentist, neighbors within a 1/2 mile radius, people on your favorite subreddit, and people on your least-favorite subreddit want you to leave.

If your significant other, parents, doctor, mailman, dentist, neighbors within a 1/2 mile radius, people on your favorite subreddit, and people on your least-favorite subreddit want you to leave your job, it's probably a sign that you're complaining too much. Either that, or your job sounds great, and they want you to quit so they can apply for it. TRUST NO ONE.

4. Your boss acts like a prison guard.

Does your boss not trust you to make your own decisions, but instead micro-manages you and barks orders at you like your own personal prison guard? Then it's time to quit! One note, though: If your boss acts like a prison guard, you might actually be in prison. If that's the case, sorry, you can't quit. Frowny face!


5. Your boss has offered you a "great opportunity."

When a boss says they have a "great opportunity" for you, at best that means that they want to dupe you into doing more work for the same amount of money, claiming that you get "experience." At worst, they're trying to pressure you into investing into an AFL team. At least hold out for the NFL.

6. Your office starts keeping free soda in the fridge as a "perk."

Offering free soda says, "We're going to keep you late on a regular basis, but we're going to provide the thinnest illusion that we're providing for your needs by giving you unhealthy drinks. Now, please take a Coke and try to ignore the pervasive sense of sadness that echoes through every hallway."


7. Your office is dirty.

At best, it means that nobody in your office really cares about keeping the workspace clean. At worst it means that your coworkers are all golems, crafted out of mud and brought to life by spiritual magic. Either way, you're gonna have a pest problem.

8. You wake up every morning thinking about accidents you could get into that would keep you from going to work.

Wouldn't it be nice if 100 spiders brought 100 small banana peels into your shower, causing you to slip, fall, and miss work for a week? Yeah, that'd be great.

9. You're under the age of 30, so your boss just made you the head of social media...

...and he's making you use your real name, but posting things he wrote. Run away now, before he tries to connect September 11 to your company's product.

10. You're the boss.

If there's one thing we learned from this list, it's that bosses are awful people! LOL! If you're a boss, quit immediately. That should fix everything!