40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.
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1.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

He's lucky; the original version also listed "Excessive pooping" and "Writing fan letters to James Frey." (via BuzzFeed)

Even when you're a smart, friendly go-getter, getting a new job can be tougher than finding Waldo in a bucket of barber poles. And landing new employment gets even harder if your resumé isn't up to snuff. The following resumés are examples of what not to do, even though they will make you stand out in the choppy sea of other job applicants — just not in the way you want.

2.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Give rejection. (via Imgur)

3.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

I like to think that Tupac watches over my job search too; I just don't need to show it.
(via Reddit)

4.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

This guy looks great! I'll just email him at... oh. (via Reddit)

5.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

I have been cooled by water, and I have also been not employed by many. (via Reddit)

6.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

"My biggest weakness? Making text readable over images." (via Reddit)

7.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

There are probably more resumé skillz you should have learned, like proofreading.
(via Reddit)

8.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

We're mostly interested in your phone experience. Our laser T-Rex spot is currently filled. (via BuzzFeed)

9.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Cocking dinners is great, but 150+ people is a little too awkward for us. (via Eater SF)

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10.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Crap, he's on to our "massive unemployment" ruse! (via HuffPo)

11.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

I'm sorry, we really need someone who's proficient in Mariokart 64. (via Reddit)

12.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Actually, we're hiring the Larry you said you could grow from a single hair. (via Reddjobs)

13.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

You're hi... wait. Is there a possibility that these bars could mean virtually nothing?
(via HuffPost)

14.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

So, the hangging with your friends... that's separate from card, board, and video games?
(via HuffPo)

15.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Tnx 4 ur rezume. Weve been lookin for a ppl prsn. Plz model 4 us and give kids coke.
(via CollegeHumor)

16.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

We won't hire you because we only wanted one cover letter. Specifically, "Q."
(via Lot of Laughter)

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17.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Red Head Gas shut down? The all-redhead station? But that was such a good business model! (via Izifunny)

18.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

If you've ever been dissatisfied with your local Domino's, send them this resumé.
(via picc.it)

19.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

References available upon request in Alpha Centauri. (via pikdit)

20.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Don't discriminate against me because my mother was Siri and my dad was an autocorrect. (via Sarcastic Sarcasms)

21.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

"Sorry, it turns out our Manager is the second coming of Christ and still wants to work." (via CollegeHumor)

22.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Can you tell me a little more about your job as Shaq? (via These Fries Are Good)

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23.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Fortunately, working at an aviary is 99% dealing with bird sh*t. (via Funny or Die)

24.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Ironically, Nicholas Cage uses Vanessa's resumé as his headshot. (via Uproxx)

25.


"It seems like the job you want is making videos of yourself... so..."

26.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

I was an excellent editer. Please overlook my qualifications. (via My world)

27.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Nephew Sam? (via Reddit)

28.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Can't help but feel there might be some subliminal messaging here.
(via The Chicago Reader)

29.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

For the tasteful aristocrat who just wants his c*cks*cking Steinway fixed.
(via Pajamas & Coffee)

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30.


I'm a genius. Not fit-my-voicemail-into-40 seconds genius, but... a genius.

31.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

LDC Corporation: employing the world's smartasses since 19goscrewyourself.
(via Dre Fresh TV)

32.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

To be fair, all of his characters were illiterate. And he's a Methud acter. (via Back Stage)

33.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke got there the hard way. (via Oddee)

34.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Whitef*ckingsnake is how it's pronounced, not how it's spelled. (via Tonic Fab)

35.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

That's the exact sentence you pay an agent to say. (via Dose)

36.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

I have a feeling that fire started when fiber optics were incorporated into Fantasy Football. (via Reddit)

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37.

Hi, I'm David Pederson, the mayo of job seekers.

38.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Sadly, the microwave was responsible for groovenoma and no one would hire him.
(via Andrew Saladino)

39.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

"Well, we are doing a movie about a killer who gets caught because of his awful handwriting." (via The Awl)

40.

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

Dogwalk Golddigger. (via Convo Zine)

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