5. Chris Christie. It's been a pretty rough week for New Jersey governor Chris Christie. First, there was that whole George Washington Bridge traffic scandal—sorry, "Bridgegate." Now, a federal investigation has been launched into whether Christie improperly used federal resources allocated for Hurricane Sandy relief to promote himself in an election year. The "Stronger Than The Storm" campaign was meant to show that the Jersey shore was recovering and open for business, but the ads happened to feature Christie and his family walking on the beach. The ads aired this past summer, while Christie was running for re-election. All I can say is I don't envy whoever Christie unfairly takes things out on when he gets stressed.
4. People in some parts of West Virginia. While you were whining about your latte not being hot enough, 300,000 residents of West Virginia haven't been able to drink, cook with, or brush their teeth with tap water since Thursday. That's right: West Virginia has finally become the dismal backwater you already thought it was. Today, a few thousand people were finally given the go-ahead to turn on the water after a chemical spill in the Elk River contaminated the water supply with 4-methylcyclohexane methanol last week. The chemical, which is used in coal-cleaning and leaked from a tank belonging to Freedom Industries (woo! Freedom!), can cause irritation and wheezing. Residents have said they're still concerned the water isn't safe—especially since a lingering, liquorice-like smell remains even once the chemical is down to negligible levels. Just keep repeating this phrase to yourself, West Virginia: Clean coal. Clean coal. Clean coal. Doesn't that sound like it means something?
3. People who went on the subway without pants on a chilly day in January for an event now so familiar hardly anyone cared. This weekend was the 13th annual No Pants Subway Ride, brought to you by Improv Everywhere. From the video description: "On Sunday, January 12th, 2014 tens of thousands of people took off their pants on subways in over 60 cities in 25 countries around the world." That's right. Tens of thousands of people. At some point, this stopped being a funny and unexpected prank and became about as shocking as a thong at the Gay Pride Parade. It just doesn't feel spontaneous anymore...because it's not. Also, is it really worth going pantsless in January so people can see your thigh cellulite and go "Oh, it's no pants day"?
2. Pope Benedict, who has got to be feeling a little down on himself lately. Back when Benedict was pope, Catholicism seemed out of touch, hypocritical, sexist, and homophobic. Now that Pope Francis is pope, Catholicism seems relevant, inspirational, sexist, and homophobic. Pope Francis is the J-Law of the Catholic world. All he has to do is make a weird face and we're fanning ourselves for days. Most recently, during a baptism of 32 babies, Pope Francis encouraged mothers to breastfeed in the Sistine Chapel. "If they are hungry, mothers, feed them without thinking twice," he said. "Because they are the most important people here." The pope supports breastfeeding in public, guys! Seriously at this point if he went on Conan and discussed his butt plugs, we'd be like, "Man, this pope is so cool."
1. Jacqueline Bisset. The Golden Globes were last night, in case you've already forgotten. Some people won some awards, but the only interesting part was watching to see whether Tina Fey and Amy Poehler would do a good job again (they did). In fact, the only acceptance speech you might remember is that of Jacqueline Bisset, who won for Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries, or Television Film for her performance in the BBC/Starz miniseries Dancing On The Edge. Her speech was rambling, weird, and kind of mean. Luckily for her, though, she probably doesn't care.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)