5. Jeb Bush, because it turns out he described himself as Hispanic on a voter registration form.
Jeb Bush is well-known as a lover of Hispanic culture. He speaks fluent Spanish and lived in Venezuela for two years. His wife, Columba, was born in Mexico. Univision even described him as a "Hispanic candidate." But none of that makes him a Hispanic person. At all. He's as white as they come, which is why it came as such a surprise when The New York Times dug up his Florida voter registration form from 2009 and found that he had checked the box for Hispanic. Come on, Jeb. If America won't really even let Ted Cruz get away with that, did you think you'd get a pass?
Bush responded, but only after his son called him out on Twitter:
My mistake! Don't think I've fooled anyone! RT @JebBushJr LOL - come on dad, think you checked the wrong box #HonoraryLatino
— Jeb Bush (@JebBush) April 6, 2015
Come to think of it, one person might have been fooled.
Does this mean I'm a Hispaniard too? (Getty)
4. Kylie Jenner, because people are accusing her of doing her latest photoshoot in blackface.
This is a black light and neon lights people lets all calm down @marcelocantuphoto @joycebonelli @chrisdylanhair @hubblestudio
A photo posted by Kylizzle (@kyliejenner) on
Between the Jeb story, this one, and Mindy Kaling's brother, this is a big day for people pretending to be a different race. This time, it's Kylie Jenner who's being lambasted for racial insensitivity because of this photo shoot. Critics have compared her elaborate makeup to blackface.
So @KylieJenner did black face... not even surprised tbh #stopkylie2k15 pic.twitter.com/S7JmjYm2BA
— cookie (@himanixx) April 4, 2015
This might be a stretch. Isn't it more like silverface? I could understand robots or award statues being mad, but not people.
Jenner's makeup is offensive to all victims of Bond villains. (via bond-girls.net)
But now even Jenner's boyfriend, 25-year-old rapper Tyga, is upset. A source told Hollywood Life, "Tyga knows her heart and knows she meant no harm by posting that beautiful picture of herself." However, another source said, "Tyga feels like Kylie has crossed the line with this new shoot, and really and truly shown her age. If she was older, wiser and more mature she would never have done something that could be interpreted in a racist way."
First of all, that's not true. Jeb Bush was 56 in 2009. Nobody is so old and wise that they won't do something that can be interpreted in a racist way. Nobody's immune to that.
Second, who are these sources? I want sources to anonymously describe what I'm feeling to the media. If anyone in interested, get in touch.
3. Fans of 'Twin Peaks,' because David Lynch has left the reboot.
This teaser made big waves when it dropped last October. After 25 years, David Lynch's cult classic series Twin Peaks was going to be revived, and stars Kyle MacLachlan, Sherilyn Fenn and Dana Ashbrook were all on board to reprise their roles. For die-hard Twin Peaks fans, the news must have felt like drinking their first damn fine cup of coffee since 1991.
But now, it looks like those fans may have to switch back to decaf. David Lynch has dropped out over money issues, and now the project may be as dead as Laura Palmer (spoiler alert) (not really, that's the first thing that happens in the show). If Lynch is out, I'm not sure who would even want this show to happen. Plus, maybe now Lynch can invest himself in a Blue Velvet remake. There would be no shortage of money if they got a corporate tie-in from Pabst.
2. Three thieves who tried to steal honey from a domesticated bee hive and got stung.
Did these people learn nothing from Winnie the Pooh? Yes, honey is delicious. You can put it on toast, you can put it in yogurt, you can put it in a jar big enough to get your head stuck in that says "HUNNY" on it… but if you're a human with money and pants, you should buy it from a store. In the wild, it's guarded by swarms of insects that can sting you. Entomologists know them as "bees."
So you have to wonder why these three men in Florida decided to climb a tree and scrape honey off an active hive. No doubt it would have been fresh and delicious, but old honey isn't even a problem. It's actually the only food that can't spoil (fun fact). And you have to imagine these guys regretted their decision once they were admitted to the hospital with more than 50 stings each.
Experts estimate that the hive they raided contains as many as 30,000 bees. That means these three stooges were outnumbered 10,000 to 1. They're lucky they survived. And hopefully, next time they think about messing with bees, they'll remember the lesson of Homer Simpson's sugar pile.
They're defending themselves somehow! (via Imgur)
1. DMX, because he's being investigated for armed robbery.
He's crossing his fingers that he doesn't go to jail. (Getty)
Gangsta rap legend DMX performed at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center in beautiful Newark, NJ on Saturday night. But DMX is too hardcore to leave that persona on the stage. He lives it 24/7. That's why, when he and his entourage stopped for gas in Newark the next day (Easter Sunday), X decided to make his weekend just a little more profitable.
While he was chatting with the gas station owner, a member of the rapper's entourage suddenly pulled out his gun and demanded all of the owner's money, which totaled $3,200. DMX himself snatched the money out of the man's hand, and then his whole crew drove off in four Cadillac Escalades. The poor small business owner followed and copied down X's plate number, which he gave to police along with a full report of the incident.
Now the case is under investigation. This isn't DMX's first run-in with the law. He's been arrested many times on charges including drug and weapons possession, animal cruelty, driving without a license, and carjacking. This would be his first armed robbery rap, however. Maybe he's just concerned that his career is flagging, and he has to diversify into new crimes to appear fresh? If that's so, I'd recommend littering.