5. TV pitchman Dell Schanze, who's under investigation for kicking an owl from a paraglider and filming it.
The name "Dell Schanze" is an infamous one in Utah, as well as in the world of paragliding. Neither of those communities is normally a hotbed of controversy, but he's just that big of a dick. "Super Dell" Schanze is the former owner of Totally Awesome Computers, a retail chain that was based out of Salt Lake City until it shut down in 2006. Schanze is still well-known in Utah for his frenetic, high-energy commercials, and for his run-ins with the police, which include previous paramotor antics, as well as gun charges. (A paramotor is a paraglider with a small propeller.) When Totally Awesome Computers went totally bankrupt, he blamed it on the Utah media, calling everyone involved " liars and murderers."
An incident in which he flew his paraglider low over Interstate 15 at rush hour him the ire of other paramotor enthusiasts, and now, it's animal right activists who are coming after him. They're accusing Schanze of taking this video of himself kicking an owl while shouting, "Who's the predator now?!" There's no proof that it's him, but nobody in Utah has any doubt. Schanze himself refused to flat-out deny it at a court hearing, insisting that he wanted to take a plea deal while still not admitting fault, even after the judge patiently explained that that's not what a plea deal is. The judge ordered the case to trial, and Schanze went into a rant outside the courthouse about the satanic media.
The trial is set to begin April 20th. Schanze is facing a misdemeanor charge of knowingly using an aircraft to harass wildlife and pursuing a migratory bird. If convicted, he could face up to a year in jail and a $100,000 fine. And when he's in front of a jury of people who remember his annoying commercials, he won't be the predator anymore. He'll be kicked right out of the sky.
4. Allergy sufferers, because this spring is going to suck.
Elf braids won't protect you. (stock photo)
If you're excited to finally be out of that horrible cold winter, don't get ahead of yourself. This may very well be a frying pan/fire situation. Experts are predicting that this allergy season will be the most intense in years, and it's because of that very same winter. The heavy amount of precipitation that fell is providing a veritable feast for all the plants about to bloom, meaning record levels of pollen will be in the air. Think of it as a giant plant orgy, and we're all getting sloppy seconds.
It hasn't gotten bad yet, but that's not a good sign. According to Dr. John Saryan, Chief of Allergy and Immunology at Lahey Hospital and Medical Center in Burlington, MA:
"The longer we go without patients complaining, the more I think that's going to be a fairly intense season, squeezed into a shorter period of time."
If you suffer from allergies and/or asthma, you might want to double up on your inhalers and start carrying around an IV filled with antihistamines. Or maybe just take a deep breath and hold it. Till August.
3. Madonna, because each new celebrity she makes out with gets her less attention.
DRAKE'S REACTION AFTER KISSING MADONNA pic.twitter.com/eJhtRDzQl4
— FREDDY (@FreddyAmazin) April 13, 2015
There was a time when Madonna could randomly kiss a young starlet or starleur*, and both of their stars would rise for months as a result. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, Henry Kissinger**… they all fell prey to her sexual publicity machine. But I guess lightning struck too many times on the same pair of charred lips.
Her onstage make-out sesh with Drake at Coachella has netted her precious little press, and none of it good. Maybe it has to do with the fact that immediately afterward, Drake looked like a baby that had just tasted a lemon, but that can't be the whole story. I think Madonna has just overused that trick. There's nothing exclusive about her mouth anymore. I would recommend she either give it a rest for a year or so, or else to graduate to second, possibly third base. That'll get those tongues wagging.
*male starlet, I just made it up
2. Anyone going to a wedding this year, because it'll cost you $673.
Note: it's not actually the couple taking your money. (stock photo)
Bad news for anyone with friends or family: not only does the cost of attending a wedding increase every year, the cake never gets any better. A new American Express survey calculated the average cost of going to a wedding for this year at $673, a 14% increase from last year, and almost double the average of $339 from 2012. Better stuff your pockets with hors d'oeuvres.
Most of that cost comes from flying, at an average of $225 per person. That doesn't apply to local weddings, of course, but AmEx's study also found that nearly a quarter of all weddings are so-called "destination weddings," AKA "ohgodno not another fucking destination wedding." It's bad news for those couples, too – guests are spending less on wedding gifts to defray the cost of travel.
This is an important lesson for everyone who plans on getting married. Don't do it in Hawaii unless you want a kitchen full of colanders.
1. The Secret Service, because a 4-year-old got through the White House fence.
What kid could resist this? It looks like a giant cake. (Getty)
The Secret Service has had more than its fair share of embarrassments lately. Between agents hiring prostitutes, driving over bombs, and wasting taxpayer money on all these things, their effectiveness and popularity is at an all time low. And that's not even to mention a series of successful fence jumpers making it past White House security. But at least all of them had hit puberty… until now.
The Secret Service scrambled into action yesterday afternoon, putting the entire White House into lockdown, after an intruder was seen scrambling under a White House fence on Pennsylvania Avenue. They assumed it must be some incredibly dangerous ninja infiltrator to contort himself through that tiny space, but it turns out it was just a toddler. They're little.
The kid was reunited with his parents, and agents stood down. Here's the final report as it came from the White House press pool:
"Update on brief security scramble at the White House prior to departure: It was just a child."