1. American Idol fans, because it's going off the air.
Randy, Paula, and Simon have all aged terribly. (Getty)
I have shocking news for all of American Idol's biggest fans: it's still on the air. But not for long, because today it was announced that the next season of Am-Id (my nickname for it, never caught on) will be the last. After 15 years, it's hard to imagine a world without American Idol, or the famous names it launched into stardom: Soul Patrol guy, Frankie Underwood, not-David Archuleta…
Now that Ryan Seacrest, whoever the judges are, and the executives who copied the show from England are retiring to spend more time with their money, I guess the rest of us will be left high and dry. We'll just have to content ourselves watching one of the million identical shows on TV, like The Voice or The X Factor or Pawn Stars.
2. Three burglars who were caught because they left a trail of macaroni salad leading from the crime scene.
The Three Stooges in: Macaroni Mischief. (via WHEC)
In upstate New York, these three men almost got away with the perfect crime, but like all criminals, their lust for creamy picnic sides did them in. Investigators say that Matthew Sapetko, Timothy Walker, and James Marullo robbed a Build-A-Burger Restaurant in Mt. Morris. They broke in early Sunday morning and made off with the cash register, surveillance system, rubber gloves, loose change, and a giant bowl of macaroni salad. That's where it all fell apart.
Police found a "steady trail" of macaroni salad leading from the crime scene to one of their homes, where the rest of the stolen goods were being held. Detectives believe they took turns eating from the bowl during their getaway, which I think is also how Butch Cassidy's Wild Bunch were taken down. The three men were arrested on charges of third-degree burglary, criminal mischief and grand larceny. Walker was also charged with possession of a controlled substance. I guess he had the rest of the salad.
3. Lindsay Lohan, because she has to finish her community service at a Brooklyn Children's Center or she'll go to jail.
I'm betting she's never tasted macaroni salad. (Getty)
Lindsay Lohan is in trouble with the law. I know that's about as surprising a news story as "George Zimmerman involved in shooting," but this time she REALLY should have known better (him too). To date, she has completed 9 hours and 45 minutes of the community service she was assigned after her 2012 reckless driving case. That leaves her with 125 hours to complete by May 28. Now that's some impressive procrastinating (we're connoisseurs around here.)
A Los Angeles judge approved Lohan's request to complete her service at the Duffield Children's Center in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. She better hope that it turns out she likes kids. If she doesn't complete all her time before she the 28th, prosecutors have said they'll seek jail time.
4. The children at the Duffield Children's Center in Brooklyn, because Lindsay Lohan is coming.
I feel you, kid. (stock photo)
Seriously? Kids? This is the best use of Lindsay Lohan's community service? Couldn't she pick up trash on the side of the highway, or do anything else that doesn't put children in danger?
I don't mean to be histrionic, here. It's not like she means those kids any harm, but have you seen her behind the wheel? She's a mess. I don't think she could handle nap time without a bunch of those kids going to the nurse with severe rug burn. And handing out milk? No sir. Better leave that to the most responsible 5-year-old.
What's more, the Duffield Children's Center specializes in providing affordable preschool and after-school programs for low-income Brooklyn families. How is Lindsay Lohan going to be able to relate to a bunch of needy kids? When she was their age, she was already a successful child model, well on her way to her inevitable collapse. By the time she's done with them, they'll all be asking their parents for headshots.
5. A Florida woman who called in a bomb threat so she could get a ride.
"You better still give me that ride." (via Pensacola News Journal)
Who needs Uber when you have the United States Navy? That must have been what Priscilla Lee Bembow of Pensacola, Florida was thinking when she called a Navy recruitment office on Monday morning. She asked the petty officer who answered if he was "the government," and when he said yes, she dropped a bombshell on him. Literally (not literally).
She said that there was a bomb at an undisclosed location, and if someone didn't pick her up from the gas station where she placed the call, "(expletive) was gonna go down." I'm assuming that expletive was "shit," but I can't confirm that.
A ride did come to the gas station for Bembow, but it wasn't anybody from the Navy. It was the police, who immediately took her on a free ride straight to jail. She's currently being held there on $5,000 bond, which is a lot more than an Uber would have cost. Unless surge pricing was active.