The New York Police Department has arrested its first manspreaders—hardened criminals guilty of spreading their legs too far apart while sitting on the subway.

Manspreading pisses a lot of people off, because men are taking up more than their fair share of space and it's the patriarchy and no one really needs that much room for their balls.

But guys? I have a confession. I'm a capital-'F' Feminist, but I just can't get it up to care too much about manspreading. I've been taking public transportation for the last 8 years of my life, and I've seen far worse than a couple of legs spread apart like a stuffed turkey.

If I had the power to arrest people for being bad commuters, I would start with: