The New York Police Department has arrested its first manspreaders—hardened criminals guilty of spreading their legs too far apart while sitting on the subway.
Manspreading pisses a lot of people off, because men are taking up more than their fair share of space and it's the patriarchy and no one really needs that much room for their balls.
But guys? I have a confession. I'm a capital-'F' Feminist, but I just can't get it up to care too much about manspreading. I've been taking public transportation for the last 8 years of my life, and I've seen far worse than a couple of legs spread apart like a stuffed turkey.
If I had the power to arrest people for being bad commuters, I would start with:
1. People who fart.
If I could send people to jail for farting on public transportation, I would. I have sympathy for people who accidentally do gross things on the train because they're sick. But that is not farting. Farting in public is a personal choice that says, "I only care about myself." If you want to fart, you need to drive.
2. People who cannot properly hold onto a cup of coffee.
The bus makes sudden stops. That is no excuse for you to throw your cup of hot coffee across the floor, leaving behind a sticky mess that everyone has to stand in.
3. People who have to make out right now.
Good for you. You're in love. You'll still be in love in 30 minutes when you're in the privacy of your own home. It was only hot in Risky Business because Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay were doing it.
4. People who talk on the phone.
No one cares about the deal you're making or how much money you're about to make. We just want to listen to This American Life in peace. Text! For God's sake, just text!
5. People who stink of cologne.
You're just going to work. Who are you trying to impress?
6. People who just stink.
7. People who wedge themselves in and make a seat where there isn't one.
These people don't mind throwing an elbow into your sides. In fact, I think they like it.
Speaking of physical pain ...
Man, all musicians on public transportation are the worst. No one can escape. What is charming on a subway platform is a nightmare on the actual subway. Last week, a guy walked onto my train with an acoustic guitar and started playing John Mayer covers. He didn't even bother trying to ask for tips. He knew what he was doing.
All images via Thinkstock.