Well, call off the search, because we've found it—the most ridiculous Craigslist help wanted ad of all time. A busy couple living in San Francisco posted an ad looking for a dog walker, an interior decorator, a chef, a personal assistant, a maid, a finance manager, a manicurist, and a travel agent. To be clear—they are only looking to hire one person, who has all these skills, and is willing to work for as little as $15 an hour (although you could also make as much as $35 an hour).
The ad is quite long for people who claim they have no time to even play with their dog or drop off a pair of pants to be dry-cleaned, but never mind about that. The first section is titled "The Problem." So here it is, their problem, paraphrased.
The couple is so busy working that they don't have enough time to cook (instead they eat take out), get enough sleep, take care of their dog, post on their social media accounts, plan "vacations and fun trips" (when would they possibly find time to GO on a vacation, though?), do laundry, clean, decorate their home, take clothing in to be altered or to the dry-cleaners, pick up drug store prescriptions, do dishes, take out the trash, drop off items to be donated, research investment opportunities (research investment opportunities?) or worst of all, get a new manicure when the old one chips. Hey, 40-something year old San Francisco couple, you know what your problem is? LIFE. This is LIFE you're describing.
To be fair, the couple edited the post to mention that they work in biotech, designing drugs "that encourage the immune system to attack tumors." Okay, that's a pretty important job. You know when you trivialize something by saying, "It's not like we're curing cancer here"? Well, in this case, it sort of sounds like they are curing cancer.
BUT STILL. There's no way one person, a "personal assistant," should have to manage all these things for them. But one person will, because work is hard to find. Here's a description of the person who'll get hired by this Type A couple, helpfully called "The Solution."
The ideal candidate must be chill, organized, not prone to drama, funny (but no dry humor), artistic, detail-oriented, proficient with a smart phone and laptop, have a great memory, and be able to tell a good story (!!!). And that's just a tiny sampling of the prerequisites listed in the ad. Under sections called "Requirements" and "Bonus Points", they list even more.
You must be able to type 60+ WPM, have prior experience as a dog owner, be able to swim well and ski, and cook like a gourmet chef. You also should ideally have prior experience dealing with contracts as well as home remodeling, be physically strong, have knowledge about the care of long hair, lift weights, and possibly make "one-of-a-kind wood furniture pieces." Oh, and smokers (cigarettes or marijuana) need not apply.
The application process sounds fairly simple. All you have to do is make a 3-5 minute video of yourself "answering ALL of the following":
What did you like about this posting? Confirm if this posting applies to you 100% (including personality description, qualifications, schedule, responsibilities, etc.). Tell us in what way(s) you're not ideal for us (be transparent, no one is perfect and that's okay, bonus points for honesty). Have you been a personal assistant before? For who? What was a typical day? Why can you be trusted to care for a dog? Can you cook us delicious food? What else should we know about you?
So just be a superhero and you should have no problem getting this job.