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Dialing 911 is for emergencies only, period. That’s why the number is so easy to remember—so you can recall it during a moment of distress. Unfortunately, that seems to be the only number people remember, because a lot of dum-dums out there think it’s perfectly fine to call 911 to report things that aren’t quite emergencies. Some actual 911 dispatchers took to Reddit to talk about the silliest calls they’ve ever fielded.

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1. User milkcustard gets to talk to all sorts of interesting people on the job, from entrepreneurs to foodies.

Guy calling to argue that his crystal meth is legal because he made it with store-brought products with his own hard-earned money.

Woman calling to complain that her McDonald's triple thick milkshake isn't thick.

2. Shadowjacksdad has the misfortune of working as a 911 operator in Crankypantsville.

"Basketball is too loud in the neighbor's driveway" "I lost my book in the bathroom" "Aliens have abducted my mailbox" "I saw a deer in my yard" "The neighbor has too many children" "My air conditioner is too loud" "There are drunk people at a bar" "I don't like what my wife made for dinner" "I'm afraid a parked car may roll up a hill and strike kids on bikes"

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3. This story from SprawlingChaos totally rocks.

I once took a call from a guy who had found an 'unusual rock' on the side of the road. Apparently he had turned it over to what were city employees or road workers of some kind (the fellow was obviously quite intoxicated), but now ... he wanted it back. And it was an emergency, as the rock was obviously an relic of some kind that was worth thousands, as it had an impression of some kind of bone or shell in the side of it! At any rate, I managed to convince him that if he didn't know who he had turned it over to, then we could not track down the rock, and that searching for this person was definitely not a police matter as it was given voluntarily to them, as he had said earlier on the recorded line.

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4. User malloryparker remembers this berry important call.

6:30 Christmas morning. 9-1-1 goes off. "9-1-1. what's your emergency?"

Breathless, panicky voice "How do I get the cranberry sauce out of the can without it coming out in chunks?"

"Open the other end and slide it out on a plate."

"OH! THANK YOU! You are brilliant!"

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5. Yeah, Stepside79. in Texas that is an emergency.

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I've had someone call 911 to know how long to smoke a brisket.

6. Random-Miser is allergic to how dumb this caller was.

Had a lady trying to call an ambulance because she opened a package from Amazon at home and she was afraid that that her kid was about to have a major allergic reaction... From the packing Peanuts.... because the kid was allergic to peanuts, and when her kid mentioned what they were called, she freaked out.

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7. We were all saved from the crab people invasion of ’05, thanks to brave emergency dispatchers like erczilla.

If a caller starts the call with "I swear I'm not crazy" then you need to buckle up for some insanity. A guy started a call with those words after escaping from his apartment and running to the closest 7-11. He swore that his roommates were turning into giant crabs. The was going to show the officers that they were currently in giant cocoons transforming. As you might expect he was tripping balls.

8. As it turns out, the only crisis in this story from tkokilroy is the guy’s criminal misuse of pizza.

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Had a drunk person call to report he was being harassed. Truth was..... He was being arrested by our officers for throwing pizza at people. All I heard in the background was one of my officers saying to him "that better not be our dispatcher on the phone" followed by some muffled talking and my officer taking the phone and saying "he will be taking a ride with us now" and hung up.

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9. Here’s a very trashy story from 6251993.

Hi recently took a 911 dispatching certification and one of my classmates say apparently there's a women who calls 911 when her kids forget to take the trash out. They send a cop over every time.

10. Well, Dues1987, the big spoon is whoever has the biggest, strongest, cuddliest arms.

I had someone a few months ago call 911 to ask if a tablespoon was the big spoon or the little one.

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11. From the sound of it, SockShots68 fielded a call from another 911 operator.

one afternoon this lady called and wanted to know why time was going so slow.

12. 911 operator NodePoker shares one of their deerest memories.

Caller: A deer just swam across the river behind my house.

Me: Okay?

Caller: Well I am worried it might be cold.

Me:.......Well there is nothing we can do about a deer being cold. Didn't it run off after swinning the river?

Caller: Yes.

Me: Well ma'am it's a wild animal and I'd guess it's going to be fine.

Caller: ok

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13. So if we’re to believe dispatcher Jenaration200, it’s important to call 911, like, when the emergency is happening.

Me: "911 this line is recorded, what is your emergency?"

Caller: "hi, um I don't know if this counts, but four days ago I noticed a Uhaul truck in my neighbor's driveway."

Me: "okay?"

Caller: "Well the two guys looked really suspicious. They were walking around the house like they didn't belong there."

Me: "Four days ago?"

Caller: "it's been bothering me because my neighbors have been on vacation and no one should be there."

Me: ......"okay we'll take a look."

The entire house had been ransacked. All the valuables were gone. Too much time had passed for the local pawn shops to have the items because they know what is stolen and needs to be moved quickly.

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14. If you’re gonna bother a 911 dispatcher like xxCyberpunk2077xx, you best be sharing your candy.

What time is trick or treating in my neighborhood?

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15. “Crack is whack!” - QueenCoyote

"The neighbor is giving my horse drugs." - 0500 or earlier, every. Single. Day. Usually followed up about an hour later by:

"It's crack!"

Lady, nobody is giving your horse drugs. Drugs are expensive.