There's a Dwight Shrute in every workplace across America. The Office's second most eccentric character (after Creed Bratton, arguably) is a perfect amalgamation of the bizarre coworkers everyone has to put up with from 9-5, Monday thru Friday. A recent Reddit thread asked users to describe their own office's Dwight Shrute, and unless you're the Shrute of your office, the answers will stir memories of that freak who's always muttering something about bears, beets, and/or Battlestar Galactica a few cubicles over.
1. This coworker of samthehammer's is pretty much Dwight in the flesh.
He is overweight, but has a black belt in tae kwan do. He spends his time at the gym throwing his legs up at the punching bag.
He recently bought a motorcycle, but had to have a coworker drive it home since he doesnt have the license yet.
He recently went to a job convention since if he gets a job offer, he can petition for an early release from the army. So he walked around the office for an entire day with a stack of business cards talking about how many jobs offers he received. His applications are actually still pending.
He is a sergeant, but not many people take him seriously so he was put in charge of the companys' humvees and larger trucks instead of real people.
He has the same male pattern baldness as Dwight, and combs his bangs forward.
He does the "knife hand" whenever he tries to give orders to people, especially when he's on the phone with them.
2. User uhhhclem is surrounded by Dwights.
I'm a software engineer at Google. Everyone is Dwight. Everyone.
3. Soaki could write a Shrute spin-off with the material he gets from this coworker.
There was a guy I used to work with that was the epitome of awkward/strange:
On his first day, the general manager (his boss’s boss) mentioned that if he has any insurance questions he should speak to Hulk (that’s just what we called the guy, it obviously wasn’t his name) and “The Dwight” responded with ”What? I don’t see any angry green men around here?” and the GM just kind of smirked and pointed to who he meant. So The Dwight proudly continued on with ”Did you know I have the exact same dimensions as superman? And the eyes to match” This guy was not built like Superman, not one bit. I mean he was geeky and had dark hair, but not built like Superman.
One of the guys mentioned he was picking up a new phone after work and already knew which one he was getting. The Dwight ruthlessly hounded him for the whole day with lecture after lecture about why his choice was wrong and printed out comparisons as to why he should be buying a different phone. He went with his initial choice; The Dwight wasn’t happy.
We used to have drinks on a Friday afternoon, because free booze, why not? During this time we would often end up debating about the hottest celebrities an comparing lists online. We were looking at and debating the historic list of world’s sexiest man when the topic of Pierce Brosnan came up. This was his chance to intervene with an anecdote about how his great aunt was on a plane with Pierce, and it came up (on the place) that the aunt had the same maiden name as Pierce. He then continued to say, ”So I’m pretty much related to Pierce, you can see the family resemblance” (despite being a married in aunt, not by blood). Naturally we thought he was joking and laughed, he was not joking.
At my going away drinks, I had planned to head across to the pub with a small group of people. Not only did he decide to invite himself, but when we got there he ordered a shot, that he then proceeded to sip on for 30 minutes. WHO SIPS ON A SHOT. It’s called a shot for heaven’s sake!
We had casual Fridays. Now this meant guys were still expected to wear a collared top, so polos or decorative flannies were generally the go to. But no. Not with this guy. He wore his Superman shirt every casual dress day. One fateful casual dress day when they started enforcing the collared rule, The Dwight wore a Superman shirt under his short sleeved button down shirt. Which is, you know, whatever, no one has to see it. The Dwight however decided that he needed to tell someone, anyone, about his shirt and the comparisons that could be made. He picked the Managing Partner (we’ll call him MP) of the legal division. As they were casually doing the usual, much-planned-for-the-weekend pleasantries, The Dwight whips open his top three buttons to reveal his much-loved tee and says ”See this button down is just to hide my true identity… Do you have a secret alter ego?”. The MP was confused no doubt. He just kind of fobbed it off and went on with his day. The MP was a hugefan of India Jones (ringtone and everything) but knew very little of Superman.
He was really finicky about not being called the shortened version of his name. Which I can’t give examples of because, rules.
One of the girls was nicknamed Cat (Her name didn’t even have cat in it, it’s just the nickname she had) and he would just meow at her every time she walked past or was talking to someone in his cubicle. Now, keep in mind, this was a professional services company, not some part-time job working with kids.
At a previous job he got reprimanded for “bullying” other staff members when it came to the fruit box. He would spend most of his day watching the fruit box and keeping track of how many people were taking and would then stop people from taking fruit when he felt they had taken more than their share. This resulted in a lot of complaints.
One day I was caught on the tram with him on the way to work, both on the tram and at work I was lectured about how the new Fantastic Four was shit. For 45 minutes. Didn’t bother watching the movie as I was concerned that if he found out I would have to listen to all of his stupid points again.
He bought a 3-bedroom house (which, you know good on him) but then tore down the supporting wall between the two spare rooms to build an at home gym. Effectively destroying the resale price of the property. It was in what is generally a family oriented suburb.
4. User gidikh describes an employee who had all of Dwight's weird with none of Dwight's competence.
We were doing software development for a mid sized company. We had a few staff programmers and a team of consultants, "George" was the latest staff programmer we hired.
First couple weeks we had him and some other programmers from another department go through a 'boot camp' to get familiar with our code base and the patterns we were using. "George" immediately informs the architect that it was all "beneath" him. It was pretty much downhill from there.
We gave him a few chances at joining our group for lunch. "George" turned out to be the most inept conversationalist. He would just randomly interrupt the group to talk about the time he went to a taping of American Gladiators when he was a kid, how he was a black belt and had use chopsticks to eat so the other black belts wouldn't give him a hard time, how he bought some miniature cows so he wouldn't have to mow his lawn, etc... After the first week, we had to coordinate leaving for lunch via IM so we could leave without him asking to go along.
"George" also had a bit of a gas problem, loudly farting 3-4 times a day. It didn't help that we were in a bull-pen style cube farm with all mesh aeron chairs.
There were more character flaws, but you get the idea. Which all of that could have been overlooked, but he was also a terrible programmer. Every piece of code he touched needed to be fixed by someone else. We found out later that he had been posting his tasks to programming forum and would basically just cut and paste different replies till he got something that would compile, push it to prod (before we implemented a strict change control process) and then try to deny his changes just brought down the site.
He lasted a few months before the boss finally let him go. But it was okay because according to George "getting fired was god's way of telling him it's time to move onto better things."
5. chevy1500 can rely on 'Joe' for Shrute-esque survival advice.
We will call him Joe. Joe likes to say something about every conversation as if he is an expert. Joe likes to lie about stuff that makes him look tough( wrestling bears, swimming in ice water for hours because he can regulate body temperature, being shots With an arrow). Joe doesn't get sarcasm. Joe is always right. Joe also smokes 2 cigarettes at once on breaks. That's all Joe folks.
6. FineIranianLeather sounds like he's working with a Michael Scott more than he is a Dwight Shrute.
My boss. Here's the thing, he's a really nice guy, and a good boss, but damn is he annoying sometimes. I'm on a business trip with him right now so allow me to vent a little. --Literally says literally at least 100 times a day.
--Always has "a Story", but he isn't a good story teller and tries to throw in way too much detail that no one gives a shit about. I've also heard most of these stories maybe 15 times.
--At restaurants and bars its always "whats the darkest beer you have" or "whats the hottest hot sauce/wing flavor you have" It gets so fucking old. We were at a dive bar the other night and he asks some latino lady behind the bar what the darkest beer was. I'm pretty sure the choices were Bud or Bud Light.
--And another for food, he can't just have fast food. It's always gotta be something involved. It could be 10pm after working all day and I just want to go to the room but no, lets find something on Yelp and drive 40 minutes to get there.
--And another for food, he is a fucking black hole. He will eat and eat and fucking eat until he is miserable but he won't admit it. He will stuff his face with the hottest hot wings, face red, but tries to act like its nothing. Its hilarious.
--He keeps asking what seat I am on the plane, then immediately checks to see if he can change his seat to either be next to me or in a row closer to the front. Has to be closer to the front.
--I took the stairs, he took the escalator. I was getting close to the bottom first so he starts practically running down the stairs to get there before me.
--Coffee.....black. Anything else is for hipster pieces of shit.
--His kid is the smartest. I have kids. I'm proud of them. But I don't presume that they are the smartest to ever exist.
--He has no filter in the workplace. There was an asian massage place across from where we were working and he starts talking about happy endings while the female manager is just standing there in awe of his stupidity.
--Console gaming is the best and First Person Shooters are too easy. This one infuriates me. \pcmasterrace
--he truly believes he is gods gift to women. All the girls love him and want him but they just can't have him. He looks like an iranian leather dealer.
--He can't drive for shit. He's too busy talking to listen to the GPS and constantly misses turns. After he almost got us hit today I took the keys.
Again, he gave me a job which I am very thankful for and he is a genuinely nice person who just needs to think a little before talking. I realize this just turned into a list of things that annoy me about my boss.
7. umdche's office has a Dwight and a Jim.
I work in a factory and there's this one woman who we call Dora (not real name), as in Dora the explorer. She's not the brightest person and one day I walk out of my office and see one of my mechanics with a green laser pointer shining it from across the production floor onto the machine she's operating. She just freezes, stares at it for a few seconds and then tries swatting it and trying to catch it. She literally acted like a cat would with a laser pointer. It took over an hour for her to get bored with it and start ignoring it. People play other tricks on her all the time. It never gets old.
8. A missing "Peanuts Christmas tree" sent drew1111's coworker into a true Shrute rage.
We had a guy that worked on the manufacturing floor that would bring in every Christmas, the "Peanuts Christmas tree". One year someone stole it and he freaked out at 5AM. Security escorted him to his car to leave and take the day off. He returned with a new "Peanuts Christmas tree", went to his desk and light it on fire in a plant. He lost his job that day.
9. therakel749's Dwight was so Dwight he scared everyone.
He would take notes, pictures, and videos of the rest of us so he could snitch to our supervisor about us.
He refused to split our work evenly. He would run ahead of his partner and grab as many of our jobs as possible.
He threw every single other team member under the bus. Some of us when we tried to protect him, some when he just straight up narked on him. No one wanted to be his partner.
At the end of lunch he would be the first up and saying," I'll be out in the car when you're ready."
He refused to stop work while it was raining really hard, his partner for the week got sick.
He would go above our supervisors head to her boss when he didn't like what she did in regards to him. IE- he was a temp and she hadn't hired him full time.
Essentially he tried his hardest to get hired full time and it didn't work. He got fired. No one wanted to be his partner and our supervisor would pull us aside and make sure we were ok when we worked with him. She fired him as soon as she was able.
10. Pray for nerdmanpap. His Dwight is right in front of him.
My coworker and I sit front to front with only a single low cubicle wall between us. When standing, this wall barely reaches your waist. When sitting, if I sit straight up to look over my monitor we can see face to face. Every time I look up and stretch, he takes it as a sign I wanted to talk to him, but only about his preferred topics:
How to make your own fishing rods, including an in depth discussion of all the mistakes he has made that you want to avoid, as well as the entire process start to finish. Don't pay any attention to the fact that he hasn't made a fishing rod in 10 years, doesn't currently fish, and doesn't even own any of the rods he made currently (they were apparently stolen, and don't ask why because he will go on for another 30 minutes about how much they were worth, how much materials are in them, how much time he had in them and that he should have filed a claim on his home insurance
likewise, he used to compete (10+ years ago) in archery competitions. But boy oh boy he was an elite archer. He will tell the story of how good he was with his recurve bow and how it is superior to any other type of bow. He will go into great detail to talk about his 2nd place win in a competition, but if you ask too many details you realize there were only 3 competitors and 1 dropped out when his string broke
I recently purchased and remodeled a house, and his is 40 years old. He'll tell me stories of things his house needs after every step of my remodel. For example: I had new carpet installed, and he'll tell me his dogs pissed everywhere and he had to rip all his carpets out. I installed vinyl planking in my laundry and dining room, and he'll tell me how he didn't put carpet back, he just rolled out sheet vinyl but didn't bother gluing it down or trimming it to fit since the dogs continue to piss on it. I had to remove and replace a bunch of drywall and he'll tell me he has large holes in his drywall all around the house (I didn't ask why). Furthermore his daughters has 3 ferrets that climb in and out of those holes and live in the walls. I shudder to think of his living situation, and I thank God every day that he doesn't smell bad
These impromptu, unwelcome conversations never seem to end. I usually have to find an out by going to the bathroom just to get away from him. To make it worse my boss and I share a cubicle and he HATES it when my coworker talks because he talks loud enough for the entire area to hear him. Even if I don't respond and don't make eye contact with my coworker, he will continue to have a 1 sided conversation for upwards of 15 minutes. This gets really awkward when I can tell my boss wants quiet.
I've raised my monitors now, so it isn't very easy for him to make eye contact and think it's an opening to talk to me. Even still he will stand up and start talking without stopping. Even if I have my headphones in and I'm deep in thought on a project. On his worse days, he'll walk around the cubicle wall and stand over me talking while I'm trying to work. Again, even if I'm not responding and not making eye contact and I'm clearly busy he doesn't pick up on any of those cues.
his most recent favored conversation topic is what groceries he bought over the weekend. He will rant and rave about how the the guy who works behind the meat counter hooked him up big time on pork tenderloin. He will talk about how he cooks it, how he eats it every day since he only cooks on Sunday. Even worse is when there is a weekend with no meat special because then I have to hear him recap all the previous times he has found chicken for 50 cents a pound, or how back in 1980 he used to buy ground beef for half of what it costs today
finally, any time he actual does get work done he will stand up and verbally announce it to the world. He hardly gers any work done and messes around on his phone all day, but goddamit once he gets that small sliver of work done he makes sure everyone understands his sparkling achievement. Turns out though he constantly does his work wrong and has to redo it, to which he will claim he had to go back and write the code from scratch because he is such a master programmer and how back in the 70s he wrote a piece of code (it was a code that would copy and past a line, and increment a value by 1) that he claims was so popular the company that made the software integrated his feature into their next update.
Oh boy oh boy, he's standing up now... Gotta go pee and avoid another long, unwanted conversation.