5. The Spawn of Van Der Sloot - If any blonde babies suddenly begin "disappearing" from daycare centers in Aruba nine months from now, you'll know why. Actually, we're not sure who to feel worse for in this scenario: the woman deluded enough to become this monster's conjugal visit groupie, the inevitably homicidal fetus now growing inside of her, or all the people out there who are officially having less sex than a convicted murderer.
4. This Teacher - Wisconsin math teacher Richard Vesbach is in trouble over assigning this worksheet, which uses the word "squaw" to complete a lame, vaguely racist pun. When are teachers going to learn that math and race don't mix, unless the race is Asian? We just hope that when Vesbach was told this worksheet is offensive to Native Americans, he didn't respond with "How?"
3. Lady Gaga - Last week it was Justin Bieber; this week it was Lady Gaga's turn to leave her heart, soul, and the entire contents of her stomach on the stage. We can only hope this trend continues until Nicki Minaj gets diarrhea, Carly Rae Jepsen is caughing up blood, and the Black Eyed Peas just straight-up contract the Ebola virus in the middle of singing "Boom Boom Pow." As for Gaga, she was fine once she was able to fashion the puddle of vomit into a miniskirt and finish her performance.
2. Colleen Lachowicz - A Maine Senate candidate is under fire from her Republican opponents for playing World of Warcraft, a hobby they've used to characterize her as "violent," "crude," and "distracted from the real world" — all of which are completely reasonable assessments of the average World of Warcraft player. That said, roaming around a fantasy world as a green, 8-foot-tall orc still qualifies as one of the least humilating "secret lives" we've ever heard in politics. Plus, this has to be helping her win the "jobless, sweaty, mouth-breathing loner" vote — especially when she launches her new campaign slogan: "Vote For Colleen. Everyone Else is Just a N00b."
1. Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman - Sadly, the legendary sitcom stars/Middle Earth power couple are calling it quits after 30 years of marriage — nearly one year for every inch of their combined height — despite being the only people on the planet who would remotely consider sleeping with each other. But while they may be dividing up their money, property, and stepladders and going their separate ways, they'll always remember the good times — when they were rubbing shoulders with the knees of Hollywood's elite.