5. Lindsay Lohan - Lohan's much-hyped return to "acting" in last night's Liz & Dick was a huge success — if by "huge success" you mean "a hugely successful new drinking game for people who love unintentional comedy and alcohol poisoning." The movie was savaged by critics for its laughable performances, lazy set design, bizarre pacing, and plotholes so big Lindsay Lohan could accidentally back a car into them. It might (read: will) not win any Emmys, but it almost certainly broke the record for "most catty tweets made by wine-drunk gay dudes in two hours or less."
4. Grover Norquist - As Congress careens toward the fiscal cliff like an older, nerdier Thelma and Louise in poorly tailored Men's Warehouse suits, more and more Republicans are threatening to abandon Norquist's notorious anti-tax pledge in the name of — gasp — bipartisanism. Lindsay Graham is the latest to jump ship, joining Peter King, Saxby Chambliss, John McCain, and a growing number of others. What happened to the old, bitterly divided Congress of yestermonth? Keep it up, guys, and you might even get that approval rating up into the double digits.
3. These strip club patrons - It's bad enough to have a horrific fireball blast your $11 bourbon and Coke into your lap halfway through "Cherry Pie," but imagine trying to explain to your wife how you got third-degree burns, a broken arm, and glitter embedded in your forehead from "working late." In actuality, most of the injuries were sustained by firefighters and police officers, who were thankfully able to evacuate the club before the explosion. On the bright side, we can only assume these heroes have earned free lapdances and under-the-table HJ's for life.
2. Angus T. Jones - The "half man" of Two and a Half Men is in the news for what is likely the first and last time ever after making a YouTube video in which he publicly urges people to stop watching his show, calling it "filth." First of all, Angus, the show's "filthiness" is maybe our sixth or seventh biggest problem with it, ranking somewhere between "Jon Cryer's off-putting fish face" and "Jon Cryer's off-putting everything else." Secondly, how brave of Jones (apparently a born-again Christian) to protest this immoral show after a mere nine years and counting of making money off of it. At least Charlie Sheen had the decency to flame out in a humiliatingly public nervous breakdown when he did this. Better save your money, Angus. We don't see too many Fiat commercials or Comedy Central Roasts in your future.
1. Chris Brown fans - "Team Breezy" — a.k.a. Chris Brown's army of disturbingly loyal, mostly female Twitter followers — lost its questionable messiah yesterday when Brown fled Twitter after a feud with comedy writer Jenny Johnson. Brown, a favorite celebrity target of Johnson's for years now, responded to her jibes with some "comedy" of his own (which mostly consisted of him threatening to "shart" in her eyeball) then abruptly left, calling Johnson "immature" — which is like the pot calling the kettle a "horrible, woman-beating man-child who can't handle being made fun of by a girl." As for Team Breezy, the wounded, leaderless band of misfits has spent every moment since the altercation lobbing idle death threats at Johnson and presumably contemplating which morally bankrupt sociopath to support next.