5. Rick Santorum - The failed presidential candidate and four-time Homophobe of the Year spoke at the Value Voters Summit last week — a gathering so conservative it makes the RNC look like a gay rave in the basement of a 24-hour abortion clinic — where he unintentionally confessed what Fox News has made us long suspect: smart people don't vote Republican. He then tore off his sleeves, lit a fart, and introduced the party's prospective 2016 presidential candidate, Honey Boo Boo.
4. Kate Middleton - Last week Middleton became the second member of the British monarchy to fall victim to a nude photo scandal, further confirming suspicions that the Royal Family does, in fact, have genitalia. The royals are furious with the photographer for invading Middleton's privacy; we're furious with him for using such a crappy lens. Today she continues her battle against European tabloids who are threatening to release even more photos. But unless it's a shot of Queen Elizabeth modeling tiaras in the nude or Prince Philip doing a pantsless split on the Buckingham Palace lawn, we feel like we've already seen it.
3. NHL Fans - With news that the sport has entered its fourth lockout in the last 20 years, it feels like the league is as interested in playing hockey as most people are in watching it. How can the NHL and NHLPA have such bad blood when Canadians are so good at apologizing? Come on, NHL, don't you care about your fans? There must be at least a dozen of them left, aimless and frustrated, dabbing away their tears with their mullets. So fire the commissioner, make some compromises, do whatever it takes to fix this mess. Because the world needs hockey, if only so Kevin Smith has some kind of jersey to cover his torso with.
2. The Cast of 'Innocence of Muslims' - Most actors have roles they aren't proud of. Then again, no one's cameo as "Curious Drifter" in Back-Alley Butt Explorers 7 was ever dubbed into an inflammatory propaganda piece that incited violence and chaos across the Muslim world. Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened to the cast and crew of Innocence of Muslims, who swear they had no idea they were taking part in a two-hour "f**k you" to the shortest-tempered religion on the planet. We're guessing they'll want to scrub this one from their IMDb profiles, though there's probably a few thousand struggling actors in Hollywood who'd still gladly trade places with them.
1. Newsweek - Another week, another chance for a formerly esteemed publication to scrape the bottom of the barrel with a shamlessly idiotic, attention-grabbing cover. Newsweek has become the journalistic equivalent of a kid tugging on his mom's pants at Wal-Mart. At this rate, next week's issue will feature a Photoshopped Princess Diana breastfeeding the prophet Mohammed while a dead-eyed Michele Bachmann watches from the corner.