Any misconceptions I had about massage therapy being a wholesome profession were dashed during that Friends episode when Phoebe's client tried to grab her ass. So the jig is up, people who pay for massages: we're ON TO YOU (I know, I know #NotAllMassageClients). And after reading these horror stories from people who work in the industry, I've decided massage therapists are the unsung heroes of our time.
Someone asked the massage therapists of Reddit, "what are some of your most awkward or disgusting experiences with clients?" And these heroes delivered. Here's some of the grossest examples to remind you to tip your massage therapist, WITH MONEY, you creep-os.
1. Freakmo, oh no:
My Mother has been a massage therapist for over 20 years. She's in her 50's, and she loves it.
She massages a lot of elderly people, doesn't mind. Massages a few obese people, doesn't mind. To her, people are people, and she's not easily disgusted.
But when people proposition her for sex, she minds. One particularly troubling encounter was when she was massaging a friend's husband, and he thought it would be appropriate to ask for sexual favours.
I was getting a massage last week. In the little room next to mine was a talkative older gent. He was chatting away to his massage therapist. Then it went quiet. After a little while I heard him whisper: "Do ... do you do this for everyone?"
A large female client wanted focus on her glutes. Needless to say, I was farted on while she was alseep. Her own fart woke her up and she then accused me of farting because there were trace amounts of fart still in the air. ಠ_ಠ
I had a very eccentric (read: creepy as fuck) client who came into our clinic one day wanting a Tui Na massage (Type of Chinese Massage).
We usually leave the room to let the clients strip down into underwear before we commence, but with this guy I had no chance to get away. Before I had time to give him a towel he dropped his pants to reveal a sparkling blue G-string that barely kept everything in place. The guy was about 58, huge beer gut, grey hair, gold earring, and hairy like Robin Williams.
As I started the massage, the guy started to tell me that he worked as an erotic masseuse specialising in body slide massage. This is where the masseuse gets oiled up and rubs his body and genitals all over before fucking the client at the end.
The whole time I was massaging him he kept telling me that i was "really good with my hands". He also repeatedly told me how good he was at his job and plugging his business with a hinting tone. A very awkward session.
6. laceyleplante **used to** work at the YMCA:
Former massage therapist here. I used to work in the YMCA in my hometown. There was a group of four older ladies, around their early 50's, that all played tennis together and afterwards took turns getting massaged. At first it was great, they were mostly doctors wives, fairly easing going and generous tippers to boot, but then things took a turn for the strange. One woman offered me a diamond tennis bracelet if I agreed to switch the order they were massaged in and did her first. I declined the gift, but promised to use a rotating schedule in the future. She was fine at first, but slowly became more aggressive. She would beg and bribe me to extend her half hour for 10 or 15 minutes in spite of her waiting friends. She constantly offered me expensive presents, shopping, home cooked meals, all kinds of things I was uncomfortable accepting. The more I declined her offers, the weirder and edgier she seemed to get around me. Finally, I guess she got tied of beating around the bush (so to speak) and made an outright advance by grabbing my hand and forcing onto her breast. I told her I was very flattered, but I wasn't interested in other women this way. She screamed (perfectly in range for all of her friends and all of my coworkers to hear) about how I had been leading her on for months and how I didn't deserve any of her time and money. She berated my appearance and education before storming out the door, naked and furious. I quit that day, started waiting tables, and never quite worked up the nerve to go back.
7. motherofdragoncats got a "crazy big tip":
I think the funniest tattoo I've ever seen was naked Yoda. Grossest was a zombie vadge.
I can not tell you how many times clients have grabbed me. The funniest was the guy who just reached out and honked my right boob. The scariest was the time my boss booked someone who was obviously mentally disturbed. He was filthy, couldn't communicate very well, and after years of invading people's personal space I feel confident in my assessment that he was a violent person. I tried to really impress upon him that this was a legit place and he was getting a real massage, but he didn't get it and grabbed my upper thigh, hard. The most shocking was a really friendly artist who waited until his session was nearly over to try to drag my hand down to his nethers. I dropped his head/shoulders and walked out. He spent some time in the restroom, made some creepy comments about me to the receptionist, left me a crazy big tip and left.
I'm just going to say "prolapsed uterus" and "they could have warned me" and leave it right there for you to imagine the gaps.
Worked as a receptionist for a massage service facility. Every masseuse was licensed and the business was legit, but I guess having an all Asian staff gave creepers the idea that we provide "extra services".
One day a rather large white man requested one of our longest massages (2hr. Swedish Massage). I instructed him to disrobe and lie beneath the bedsheets - typical procedure - while his massage therapist prepared for the massage (hand/wrist stretching, hydrating, etc). He seemed like a decent guy, so I wasn't expecting any trouble until the masseuse that had just entered the service room stumbled out backwards shouting profanities and slamming the door.
Apparently he was sitting stark naked at the edge of the bed with his wang out, upright and at full attention. To make it worse, when the masseuse walked in and gave him a startled look, he gave her the creepiest smile(according to her anyway) and jumped off the bed as if to approach her. We threatened to call her police and he left (though he had already paid for his service so too damn bad for him), handing me his unused towel over the counter and asking me to fold it.
TL;DR - Fat guy expected some action, got his towel folded instead.
My mom is a massage therapist. She used to work out of our house. She had a studio downstairs where she would have people over for massages. One day, a woman came over who was probably in her late 60s. Oldish, slightly overweight woman. Now my mom, as is standard procedure, asks this woman to disrobe and get under the covers while my mom waited outside. When she came back in after a few minutes after asking if the woman was done, the woman was standing in the middle of the room completely naked. The woman said "Honey, I'm sure you've seen more than this in your day." She had not.
11. IAmA-Steve didn't even get a tip:
I was still in school, and I was giving this guy a massage. Towards the end he started shifting around a little and acting a bit awkward... I didn't think much of it (he said it was his first massage) and finished up.
As he exited the room, he got all shifty eyed and awkward, and seemed a little embarrassed. He didn't want to talk to me, he just paid as quickly as he could and got out of there. I went back to change the sheets and there was a nice little present sitting under the top sheet, a shiny little globule. I didn't know what it was (though I had an idea), so I leaned over to sniff it just to be sure.
Yup, that there was a pile o'cum.
The worst part? He didn't even tip. Just left something from his tip. That bastard.
In conclusion: massage therapists are doing the lord's work. Go hug a massage therapist today.*
*NOT IN A CREEPY WAY