11 funny stories from nurses who manage to laugh in the face of death. And blood. And poop.

11 funny stories from nurses who manage to laugh in the face of death. And blood. And poop.
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International Nurse's Day is May 12, and it's a day that the usually under-appreciated legion of nurses really deserve (even if most people ignore it and thank their doctor instead). Here are 11 stories culled from various Reddit threads from nurses who do crucial, grueling work—and somehow manage to keep laughing despite the bodily fluids. 

11 funny stories from nurses who manage to laugh in the face of death. And blood. And poop.
The plastered on smile of someone who has clearly been working all night.

1. Xplodingboy07 has probably the greatest medical story of all time.

This is actually pretty funny.

I was doing nursing clinicals at a small hospital that used the same type of telemetry throughout the entire building. Occasionally patients would be put on some other equipment if they had specific needs. The standard telemetry would not make any sounds in a patients room, but some of the other options that were used did.

So this one morning I am walking down the hall and I hear "Beep, beep, beep, beep" going super fast like 160BPM coming from a patients room. A moment later I heard it start to slow down "beep... beep... beep... ... ...beep" then it just stopped. I ran into the room expecting to call a code when I saw the patient watching The Price is Right with the volume cranked and someone just spun that fucking wheel.

11 funny stories from nurses who manage to laugh in the face of death. And blood. And poop.
That fucking wheel, pictured.

2. You may think you've seen it all. This nurse heard it all—all at once—from a patient on anesthesia:

Longtime lurker and ER nurse here... had to make an account for this one.

I put people out like once or twice a day to set bones, reduce dislocations, or sometimes drain really bad abscesses. Funniest one I can remember is this dude in with a dislocated shoulder, kinda a meek guy and his wife was in the room - usually we make family leave, but not always. Anyway, start talking to him while we push the drugs and at first he's totally with it, "Oh well, my wife and I are going to Hawaii (words getting more slurred) thiss wieek and (eyes droopy) Imunna fuck the SHIT outtaver... (almost out)... that dirty slut". haha! his wife was SO RED. we all tried not to smile and she excused herself.

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Luckily, nurses and doctors don't judge you when you say crazy stuff on anesthesia. They just post it straight to Reddit.

3. Nellirn got a little concert from the ER.

My all time favorite: A lady was all gorked out on drugs and alcohol and was passed out on a gurney late one night in the ER. We had the lights dimmed and all was generally quiet. Every so often she would awaken and sing at the top of her lungs, "Doooon'ttt cryyyy foooor meeeee Argentiiiina!" That was 20+ years ago and it still cracks me up.

Such a ​primadonna. 

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4. Welcome to the grossest poop story on this website. 

I used to be a nurses aid. I once had to put a very obese woman on the bedpan (she was only mid 40's) and I left. She put her call light on and when I answered she said she was all done. I turn her on her side to remove the bedpan only to see that it is empty. My first thought was that she had been mistaken about having pooped. But then I look and realize that her ass cheeks were so massive her entire dump couldn't make it the length of her cheeks and had gotten wedged in between them. I had to dig the entire load out of her as by hand. It was only about two months into the job and it gave me some serious second thoughts haha. 

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Is this only a problem this lady has while in the hospital? Or is she used to scooping the poop out of her butt, and just wasn't capable of it in this moment? 

11 funny stories from nurses who manage to laugh in the face of death. And blood. And poop.
Now who's hungry?!

5. You gotta hope some anesthesia was involved in the mix-up witnessed by Kateintampa.

Worked for a rheumatologist and walked in on a younger patient (mid 30's) taking off her shirt and bra. She wanted the doctor to see if her new boobs were done correctly.

He's a rheumatologist. He deals with autoimmune disorders. I was so confused.

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6. This nurse deserves their own holiday, just for them. 

One fateful Tuesday I was covering a surgical clinic. I excused myself from a patient's room to fetch some extra dressing supplies, and as I knocked and cracked the door to come back in, the overwhelming smell of feces hit me. Turns out the patient took this opportunity to poop in the sink - which is not exactly that low to the ground - and I caught him mid-defecation. Poor guy looked guilty as hell. Many WTFs were had, and we had to brown-out that room for the rest of the day.

On the inpatient side, we frequently catch people masturbating in a corner, and for the rest of the admission we call them "spiderman."

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Two out of six stories have been about feces so far. Is that more or less than you expected?

7. Depending on the circumstances, impossible_planet's story is actually kind of sad. But you're an adult. You can handle it.

At a children's hospital...it was the mother who freaked out over something. Not quite sure what, but she was upset.

So like most rational upset people, she took off all her clothes and was screaming at the top of her lungs about how the doctors were fucked up. She's stomping around the ward just starkers. Naked screaming lady isn't a thing sick kids should be seeing, so security came and took her into an isolation room (that's used for bad psych cases). Whenever someone approached the observation window, she'd spread her legs, point at her vag and go, "What do you think of this?"

She got taken to an adult psych unit. Not sure what happened to her or her kid.

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11 funny stories from nurses who manage to laugh in the face of death. And blood. And poop.
"What do you think of this?"

8. Warning: this story from yust is graphic, bloody, and about a penis.

This actually happens a lot, but confused patients like to rip their Foley (urinary) Catheters out with the tip inflated. It's about the size of a big grape, and come the entire way from the bladder down and out their penis/urethra.

They then get up, and walk over to you confused dripping blood every where to tell you that their penis hurts.

When I say happens a lot, if you're on a team with a lot of elderly/alcoholic/demented/psychiatric patients, its about once a month event.

I've seen it before in A&E so it qualifies for this thread.

Edit: when I say dripping blood, I mean they leave pools of blood across the ward floor.

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9. An ER nurse named SnicketySnatch reveals that nurses are compassionate, but also need to amuse themselves, sometimes at a patient's expense.

Actual ER nurse here. A little late to the game, but I thought I'd share a few of my favorites.

...

I also had a confused man rip off his colostomy bag full of liquid shit and throw it in my direction like a live grenade.

We have a regular psych patient who is only cooperative and happy while singing "Shine Bright Like a Diamond".. As a cruel joke on fellow co-workers, we would walk by and start singing to him so he would finish the entire song, loudly of course, while his nurse gave you the ol' "I'm going to kill you" glare from beside the bed.

Everyday is a new adventure.

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11 funny stories from nurses who manage to laugh in the face of death. And blood. And poop.
This song deserves a shady look no matter the context.

10. Another depraved story, this one from MusicSoulZ, whose mother is a nurse.

My mom's a nurse and she told me this bizarre and somewhat funny story. A woman came into her unit and for whatever reason, she had her phone shoved up and stuck in her butt. She was in the room with the patient and the doctors as they were discussing the procedure to remove the phone, and all of a sudden they started to hear a muffled phone ring. They knew exactly what it was and where it was coming from, but no one dared to say anything. My mom said it was the most painfully awkward experience she's ever had. She had to leave the room because she wasn't able to keep it together along with the doctor. The patient stories my mom brings home will never fail to keep me amazed.

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11. And EyeFactUreMama has a tale that turns out well for the baby.

A frantic mother brings her baby into the ER for a fever. She says she measured the temperature at home and it was "98.6!!!!" (37 C for reference) :-/

That's normal. Just in case you weren't sure.

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