We were all the bright-eyed new hire at one point or another.
Being the youngest in the office is tough. You want to impress, but at the same time, you don't want to come off as too eager. You want to fit in, but there's always the age gap and the experience gap. You want to show everyone your true self, but you don't want them to think you're weird right off the bat. Here are some tips for easing the transition into your first or second job, and making life as the workplace baby slightly less awkward.
1. Unconditionally hate weddings.
Aww, it's so cute when two people choose to express their love and devotion for one another, right? WRONG!!! F*ck those people. Even if they're nice people, they suck. They make you spend money on trips, or make you feel lonely, or something like that—I don't know, I'm not old enough to get invited to my friends' weddings yet—but just be pissed whenever you hear that someone is getting married.
2. Get up-to-date on company lore.
After you work at a place for a few weeks, someone's gonna say something like, "Oh man, remember Niles?" and then everyone's gonna collectively "Oooooooooohhhhhhh mannnnn Nillessss" and you're going to be like "Who is Niles?" Get someone to fill you in on all of the company stories and/or drama that happened in the past, so you can pretend to be a part of your office's institutional memory.
3. Don't go to the bathroom when your co-workers are in there.
It's just weird when you see someone else you work with in the bathroom. Why do you think everyone gets up at different times to pee? It isn't just statsitics; there is some subconscious phenomenon that prevents people from getting up at the same time. If you do happen to run into someone else while in the loo, just make some quick eye contact, perhaps with a nod of acknowledge, and then GTFO as fast as you can.
4. Joining in a conversation can be a risk, but it's a rewarding one.
All of a sudden, the people sitting around you will start talking about something you know about, I don't know, let's say welding, for example. In your head, you'll have some interesting fact about welding to add to the conversation, but you don't speak much since you're new, so you're nervous. There's a strong chance that you'll speak up, everyone will look at you in confusion, and then promptly stop talking. You'll maybe get a pity nod or something, but that's it—you're intrusion has effectively killed the conversation. On the other hand, there's a chance you'll join in and seamlessly become part of the conversation, and thus be one step closer to not being the awkward new guy. It's up to you to decide if it's a risk you're willing to take.
5. You can talk about college.
I always thought that talking about college would make me seem too young and in turn, people wouldn't take me seriously. That is definitely not the case. People talk about college all the time. It's not weird at all, since you know, talking about a place we all spent four years of our lives is actually a completely normal thing to do.
6. Eat the same thing for lunch everyday but complain about how you hate it.
Everyone around you has settled into an irreversible lunch routine and the sooner you can do that, the sooner you'll be a part of the gang. There is no room for bringing lunch from home or trying something new. Just find some places that are okay and frequently lament how they're just okay and you're bored with them.
7. You can still play video games.
A lot of adults still play video games.
8. Whenever you say something naive, just pretend like you were being ironic.
It's a great save.
9. It's cool to talk shit about whatever you want, as long as you say you say "just kidding I love X" when you're done.
When you start working as a young graduate, you'll think, "Wow, with my degree and in this troubled job market, it's so awesome to have a job that I like. I'm gonna make sure to do my best to show my appreciation." You'll be surprised when you start working, though, when you notice co-workers nonchalantly shitting on stuff. Should you also be "over it," in order to fit in? If so, pay attention to the golden rule: No matter what you say, at the end, assure everyone you were kidding the whole time and that you actually love that person/thing/Niles. It'll give you a blank check to pretty much say whatever you want without any reprecussions.
10. You can probably say the f-word.
Just saying, adults curse.
11. After drinking with your coworkers, you'll kind of feel closer to them but not really.
Everyone always talks about how drinking with your coworker is a big step. It's really not. Everyone is pretty much the same after two beers.
12. Immediately treat employees who get hired after you as inferior.
History has shown time and time again that human beings most easily bond at the expense of others, so just start shitting on the other new guy/girl and you'll be a seasoned company man/woman in no time.
(All GIFs via Giphy)