Parents shun son for telling 'favorite' kid she's adopted; 'If they didn’t, I would.'

Identity is a fragile thing. Many adoptive parents think it's a good idea to let their kids believe that they're biological children, with devestating consequences.

When a grown adoptee made a choice that he thought was best, he was cut off by most of his family. So, he asked Reddit:

'AITA (Am I the a-hole) for telling my sister we were adopted?'

u/sisterrunaway writes:

My (23M) sister, Elizabeth, and I were adopted. We have the same biological parents but were removed from their care when I was 7 and Elizabeth was a baby. We were placed in the system and our first set of foster parents adopted us. They had an older biological daughter, Georgia, who was 10 at the time.

Once it was finalized, my adoptive parents told myself and Georgia that they didn’t want Elizabeth to ever know that she was adopted. They said I was to pretend that they were our biological parents. I was confused and didn’t understand why, but eventually agreed.

Georgia was more willing than I was. While we don’t exactly look much like our adoptive parents, we have similar hair colors and are of the same race and even ethnicity, so it wasn’t unbelievable. We moved states shortly after. Adoptive parents don’t have a ton of family so it was easy to basically start over and no one knew.

Over the years, Elizabeth, Georgia and I maintained a close relationship. Still, it was clear Elizabeth was the favorite. My mom at one point admitted they suffered from secondary unexplained infertility after Georgia. They only wanted a baby but Elizabeth and I were “advertised” as a packaged deal.

Wow.

My parents and I aren’t on bad terms, they never treated me less than. And still, I know my place. I’m now 23, Georgia is 26 and Elizabeth is 16. I recently got back in contact with my biological mother, Danielle, and it’s been amazing getting to know her as an adult.

She’s 8 years sober and in a better place. She knows that Elizabeth is unaware that she’s adopted. We were both unsure of how to proceed. The adoption was closed so legally, Danielle can’t reach out nor can they have any contact. However, I have always believed my sister should know where she came from.

Eventually, I gave my adoptive parents an out. I said Elizabeth needed to be clued in. They refused. I said if they didn’t, I would. They didn’t believe me. I went through with it. Elizabeth was in shock and has really struggled. I feel for her.

Important: I have not and will not give her Danielle’s contact information until she is 18. Danielle also doesn’t know where Elizabeth lives (she is located a few cities away) or even our last name. Safe to say, Elizabeth is protected.

My parents have cut all contact with me, though they still allow Elizabeth to speak to me because she threatened to do it anyway. Georgia is just as angry and said I was wrong. She has gone low contact with me. AITA (Am I the a-hole)?

This whole situation is incredibly sad from top to bottom. OP obviously needs some support and isn't getting it at home.

Cue Reddit users, who unanimously ruled NTA (not the a-hole).

inmyfeelings2020 shares their experience:

NTA. As someone who spent almost 30 years trying to find her brother who was also in a closed adoption - it is IMPORTANT to know your roots and where you came from!!! My mother was young and on her own. She was mentally unwell and incapable of taking care of two kids.

My sister was put in foster care and my brother was adopted. I grew up having my sister close by but we only met our brother a few years ago. Our mom passed of Cancer last year.

Again, so sad.

Don't let time pass. Don't deprive your sister of this valuable information that could change her life for the worse or for the better. It will ultimately be up to her. My sister and I stayed in contact with our mom our whole lives. Unfortunately my brother didn't have much of a chance and I think he regrets it...

ManyCanary5464 writes:

NTA, but I think the adoptive parents might be. Elizabeth has a right to her own history, even if it isn’t pretty. I’m also adopted (at 4months old) and I can’t imagine that being kept from me.

poweller65 says:

NTA and it’s absolutely f*cked up that they told you to pretend as a child.

smol9749been brings up a legal point:

NTA as a child welfare worker your adoptive parents are abusive for doing this and this is why we get nervous about adopting out babies.

Looks like the parents are making a bad situation even worse.

Let's hope OP and his sister find some sort of peace. Good luck out there, everyone!