13 yo tells half-sister 'she's not really part of the family.' HEARTWARMING UPDATE
Sibling relationships are complicated.
Your siblings can somehow find this perfect way to hurt you the most. One mom was at a loss for what to when her daughter was destroyed by what her half-brother said to her. It's an upsetting story, but they came out the other side of it for the better.
Desperately need advice for my daughter
Coming here because I really need advice. I had a daughter with my boyfriend who ended passing away when she was 2 months old.
When she was almost 3, I married my current husband. We have 2 sons and a daughter together. My daughter calls my husband dad and he has always treated her like she was one of his own. He always tells me that he fell in love with her first. The kids have been raised as “full” siblings.
My kids are now Maria (16f), John (13m), Scott ( 12m) and Nina (10f).
Maria and John got into an argument and it escalated. John ended up telling her that she wasn’t really a part of the family, because my husband wasn’t her dad and that they aren’t real siblings. He also talked about how she had a different last name. He also said that my husband loves her less.
My husband and I are furious with him and don’t know how punish him. We’ve repeatedly told her that it wasn’t true, and my husband has tried to spend one and one time with her. She’s been in tears and is shutting down and is not really speaking to any of us.
When she cried last night, she told us that she googled if stepparents could love their step kids as much as their bio kids and told us that all the stepparents said no and acted like the kids were a burden.
Please help me help her convince her that none of this is true in our family and that she is my husbands daughter who he loves unconditionally. My husband is also at a loss. Any advice on how to deal with my son will also be appreciated. Thank you.
Here is the advise that readers had to give:
Tell her your husband chose her...CHOSE her, the other three are loved, but were not chosen, they came, unknown to you & your husband, but he knew her & chose to stay, could she change her last name or hyphenate it? & as for your son, ask if you and his father were to divorce would he want to be thought of as less loved & less wanted because he was only a half sib?
I'm a stepmom, my husband has two daughters that I love as my own. My husband tells them (in a joking/not joking way) that he and their mom have to love them, but I choose to. It might help your daughter to remind her that her dad chooses to love her, every day. Also you may want to consider a family therapist.
If it helps, my stepdad has been more of a dad to me than my bio father ever was, and my stepdad (whom I call dad) loves me and has always made it clear that I'm his daughter no matter what, even if we don't share DNA.
I grew up feeling like a bit of an outcast because I don't really have any biological connection to my dad's side of the family (though no one ever made me feel that way) but as an adult now I feel more connected to them than ever.
Maybe it will help to share stories like mine and others in this thread with your daughter, to show her that it's not true that step parents don't love their step children.
As for your son, I wouldn't say punishment is the answer here honestly cause that's just going to make him resent her even more. Instead I would sit down with him alone first and explain that this is a family and you don't always have to get along but it's not okay to make anyone feel unwanted.
Then I would ask that both kids sit down together and talk about what happened (with parent mediation, of course) calmly and without fighting. It's not always easy or comfortable to have those conversations but everyone will be better for it.
Long shot but do toy happen to have social media or communication from long ago, like when she was too young to see or understand it?
Showing her what you guys were saying about her and the arrangement in private communication, or social media posts you never thought she'd see can potentially convince her you aren't lying to save her feelings or anything.
But I don't think I have anything from 10 years back, and finding it would be an even harder challenge, so again, a very long shot.
Woooooaaaahhhhh. Stepmom here and I absolutely love my stepson like family. He’s never known a time when I wasn’t in his life and, while he’s not my child, he’s one hundred percent my baby. I literally threw myself in front of a car for him when he ran into the street without a second thought.
All this to say, fuck the internet. Sometimes blended family stuff gets complicated and different people have different experiences, but a whole lot of us love and invest in our steps as much as any bio child. A blended family is a family, period.
Have you not thought of adoption?
I adopted my son, so he's not biologically related to me or my husband -- but I would literally die for or kill to save him. Blood does not determine who we love or who our 'real' families are. Love and being a good person determines it.
As for your son, I hope that punishment is serious -- he purposefully hurt someone else (his sister!) in a way that she will likely never ever forget. She may forgive him (I hope he earns that someday) but she'll never forget it.
I have no idea on how to deal with your son, but as for your daughter, please share this with her:
Dad came on the scene when I was 9 and my brother was 11. We were well past the age when most people bond with children, but he loved us anyway. Dad has been through my chronic mental health issues, my rebellion, my alcoholism, my drug use, and has always been unwavering in his love and support.
When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest he hugged me and said he was glad because he knew how much it meant to me. He didn't even ask about the role he would have in the lives of my children; he just asked if he could be called Pop instead of Grandpa. He's my Dad, why wouldn't he be their grandfather?
Blood doesn't make a bond, blood doesn't create love. Time does. Time, shared experiences, growing together, that's what creates love. Dad may not be my biological father, but he's my Dad. And your Dad is exactly that, because he wants to be. Step-fathers are awesome because they don't have to love you, they love you because they want to.
The next day, the OP returned with an update:
Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. Last night, my daughter was in tears again, so both her dad and I went to snuggle with her. He told her that he loved her very much and that she was his child, and that he wished he got to meet her sooner.
He said he has never viewed her any different than the younger three kids. He told her that she was one the best things that ever happened to him, and that he was so proud to be her dad. He asked to adopt her and told her that no matter her response, his feelings to her would never change. She is feeling better.
She said yes to the adoption! She is still deciding if she wants to keep her current last name as a second middle name or hyphenate. My husband is overjoyed that it is finally official! He is taking her out to dinner tomorrow to celebrate, and the rest of us will be prepping for a surprise party for the family!
As for my son, we told him that we are deeply offended by what he said, and that he should feel lucky to have such a good big sister. he said that he didn't mean it, and was mad that she is the favorite because she gets to do more stuff.
We told him that we have no favorites and that when he is older, he would have more freedom too. Maria and John hugged and made up too, and John said he was sorry and that she was the best big sister. Thank you everyone once again!
Here is how people responded to the heartwarming update:
I love this! Thanks for the update. I read your post last night and it actually made me tear up because it reminded me of my brother and his wife, who at the time had a beautiful almost 4 yr old girl whom we fell in love with from day one. She'll be 15 in January and we could not imagine our lives without her.
Hooray for big sister! I'm so happy you were able to soothe her worried heart. I wonder now about your son, John, and if he needs a bit of soothing as well. What he said seems (in my opinion) extremely egregious and purposefully hurtful, which suggests that he himself is feeling a bit neglected. That said, while I only have toddler boys, I feel like the teenage emotional spectrum isn't too far off. ;)
Tell me why I’m crying in a parking lot reading this. You are both such amazing parents.
By demonstrating unconditional love you have dramatically strengthened your family bond. Wonderful!
That’s awesome about the adoption. I hope she hyphened her name tho. Keep her bio dad with her.
I think the internet attracts a certain type and emboldens then to voice their ugliest, true selves - in this case, that a stepparent could never love a child that isn’t biologically theirs.
My personal experience is that this is false when it involves people who were once stepkids. Sometimes it’s a matter of knowing, through sad experiences, what NOT to do. Sometimes, it’s because they had a stepparent who loved them the way a child should be loved.
But all these trash existences who can’t stand their stepkids? Shouldn’t have married, or even long term dated, the child’s parent. Hell, get divorced if they feel that way.