Man gives up: 'My family loves my ex and keep inviting her to family get togethers.' + UPDATE
"My family loves my ex and keep inviting her to family get togethers."
AwkwardSweetTA
My ex and I dated for 5 years. My family adored her and it was assumed that we would be getting married soon. About a year ago, she broke up with me out of nowhere saying that I was not enough of a man for her (brutal I know). After months of therapy, I started dating somebody new.
Now during my therapy months, my family had already invited her to certain events. My family asked me if she could still come and because I still wanted her back I said yes. As soon as I started to date someone new and my ex had attended her last invited event, I thought that was the end of it.
Today, I found out my family invited my ex to thanksgiving and Christmas. I thought it was a joke, but no they love having her around. I put a stern warning that if she was invited I would not be attending. I restated what my therapist told me saying this was unhealthy for me and was violating my boundaries.
My family does not care. They love her. She doesn’t have much family and they want her included. My current gf is obviously furious too. Every family member including my mom and grandmother are saying I need to treat it as if she were a friend and grow up. I don’t know what to do. Any advice?
Edit: Thanks to all of you for the advice. I’m gonna “man up” and tell them me and my gf won’t be attending. My family and her have already said it would be a cowardly thing to do to hide from my ex, but I just don't care.
These comments reassured me this is not ok. I’m gonna take my GF somewhere nice and spend Thanksgiving with her. I might even try to organize buying plane tickets and seeing her family for Christmas. I’ll keep you guys updated if anything else comes of this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OPs initial post:
leonprimrose
Don't go. Have a thanksgiving and Christmas with only your current gf. If they can't respect your boundaries then you have to enforce them.
petdance
Sounds like they have chosen her instead of you. You can’t change that. Go from there.
tcrhs
“I will not attend family events if my ex-girlfriend is there. It is non-negotiable. That is disrespectful to my current girlfriend and me. If that means I will have to miss all future family events, I will miss you.”
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
AwkwardSweetTA
Hey everyone. I appreciate all the advice and kind words I got in my last post. However, I don’t have a good update to be honest. Basically I sent a mass text message to all my family exactly how I felt. That my ex should not be at Thanksgiving or Christmas and it was incredibly disrespectful.
I told them they needed to choose between me and her. How under no circumstances would I compromise this simple request. That they were choosing my ex girlfriend over their own son and it was not ok. I also told my ex in a separate text that she was not welcome and I did not care if my family invited her.
My cousin messaged me on the side agreeing with me which was nice. However the reset of the family did not see it that way. Family members responded how selfish I was. How I knew she had nowhere to go for Thanksgiving and that she has become part of the family.
I tried to hold my ground by stating how not normal this was to invite someone’s ex to thanksgiving, but they just doubled down that she had become too close to exclude her. My dad specifically said I needed to stop being so immature making ultimatums like a child. That message got a lot of iMessage likes in the group chat.
My ex told me I was being a little baby about the whole thing. That this was exactly the reason she broke up with me. That I could not handle even the possibility of confrontation and I was gonna run away with my new girl friend.
I explained how not normal this dynamic was and I told her to go back to her family and stop trying to steal mine. She just sent back it’s not her fault my family loves her and stopped answering.
I kept battling with my family over the weekend but no one was budging. My mom had called me explaining how my ex was like a daughter to her and my actions were breaking her heart.
I asked her if she had any sympathy for me considering my ex broke up with me saying I wasn’t man enough for her. My mom just said how my actions were proving her right and that kinda broke me.
These fights were clearly going nowhere so I put my money where my mouth is. I decided to book a short trip with my girl friend and take her to a really nice restaurant. I let her know and initially she said she would like a nice getaway. However, yesterday she asked me to come over and talk.
She said that this whole situation with my family was making her extremely uncomfortable. That she felt like she was in the middle of this battle between me, my family, and my ex.
She said I was really sweet, but she couldn’t be in a relationship with someone with this much family drama. I begged and pleaded with her, but she said she put a lot of thought into this and asked me to respect her decision.
I’m freaking pathetic. I can’t even set boundaries with my own family. I’m going to take the trip by myself and think some things over. I’m not looking for additional advice, somewhere to spend Thanksgiving, or even words of encouragement.
I just want to be left alone. Thanks for all the advice, but clearly I need to work on myself. I think two things are clear. 1. My family doesn’t like me very much. 2. I can be easily pushed around by people.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
DanDamage12
Don’t be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you did set boundaries and you’re sticking to it. Maybe take some time and find yourself. Do you think your family is trying to force you to “change” and get back together with her? It sounds like they’re going to lampoon any future relationship you have.
AwkwardSweetTA (OP)
I thought about this a lot since my last post. Some people commented on my last post saying that my family and my ex may be conspiring to get me to toughen up. Once I’ve grown a pair we would get back together. I personally think it’s far fetched, but considering my ex is still around who knows.
CoffeeChocolateBoth
Tell them, you have FINALLY grown a pair and are now standing up for yourself, that you and your EX are never, ever, getting back together! Ever! :)
Gracelandrocks
Don't bother telling them anything. They won't listen, and they clearly don't care. Just go no contact with them. Stop calling or telling them anything and exit the group chat. Don't make any announcements or anything.
Just put your money where your mouth is and end all contact. Tell your cousin who agrees with you that you're extremely hurt by the way your family has treated you and you're putting some distance between you and them.
Go on that trip. Then, fill your life with as many activities that enable you to meet new people as possible. Volunteer to help other people. Your family of origin sucks. Find yourself a new family of choice. Take up a new job in a new city.... the possibilities are endless.
Heavy-Quail-7295
Jesus, your family sucks. How are they not offended by what your ex said in defense of you? I'd tell your mom I hope she enjoys the "daughter" she ditched her own son for, and she's a terrible mom. Then I'd block her.