'My husband ghosted me after sleeping at a coworker's house overnight. Advice?'
"My husband ghosted me after sleeping at a coworker's house overnight. Advice?"
I F(27) have a soon to be Ex Husband M(26) -let’s call him Jake. We have been together for 8 years and married for 2.5. Just over a month ago on a normal Friday I leave work and text Jake to see if he can bring home a bottle of wine. He tells me he forgot to mention but he’s going out for a few pints after work with his friend (male) - let’s call him Mark.
This isn’t unusual so I tell him to have fun and I’ll see him when he gets home. A few hours later I get a call from my Friend - let’s call her Laura. She tells me Jake has pocket dialed her by accident so we listen in and we can hear Jake and Mark but also a co-worker of Jake’s - let’s call her Jess. There were also 2 other females we would hear in the background.
I found this odd because Jake sometimes goes out after work with Jess all the time and I’ve had no problems with their friendship so didn’t understand why he wouldn’t have said he was going out with Mark and Jess. Like why leave her out?
Anyway - we hear Mark say to the group that he needs to leave as he is up early the next day and said his goodbyes and he leaves. Whilst Jake is walking to the next bar he must had realised he had pocket dialed Laura and hung up.
I sat on this for 5 minutes feeling like something wasn’t right. So I texted him asking if he was having fun and when he would be home. Jake then texted back saying he was going to another bar. I asked him “with Mark?” To which he responded “yes with Mark”… Red Flag.
So I called him and told him I knew he wasn’t with Mark as I heard what was said when he pocket dialed Laura. He then instantly said he was with Jess, didn’t see the problem and was sick of me giving him a hard time. He then hung up on me and turned his phone off.
Fast forward to the next day, he hasn’t come home it’s almost 12pm in the afternoon and his phone was still off. Then he turns his phone on when he is on the train home. He explained that he had stayed on Jess’ couch that night and didn’t turn his phone on until now because he was worried I would give him a hard time.
Let’s give context. Jess lives around 40 miles in the opposite direction from our home. He would have had to have woken up, had breakfast, got on one train to then get a second train before turning his phone on.
I kept my cool but was obviously upset and told him that his behaviour was very suspicious. I have never suspected anything has went on between him and Jess and told him that I needed to understand why he feels he is able to do this.
What happens next is…. Wow.
So he tells me that nothing happened between him and Jess but he knows that this behaviour is suspicious. He then comes home. I ask for space to process this.
So by the end of the day I feel ready to talk and sit him down to explain that his behaviour was unacceptable. He then tells me he is not in love with me anymore and hasn’t been or a while and has no feelings for me anymore.
He tells me that there is no point in crying in front of him as this does not affect him and he knows it should but it doesn’t.
I am shell shocked.
For the proceeding week, he blatantly ignored my existence. Would laugh and joke with his friends on the phone. Never look me in the eye. Whenever I tried to talk to him he would sit on the stairs of the couch and stare into the distance and say nothing. Or he would say he has said all he has to say. I was.. heartbroken. Still am.
The next Saturday, I had a talk with myself and chose to leave the home and stay with my parents as this treatment was severely affecting my mental health. I packed up what I could, took my cat and got in the car, saying nothing to him.
He then goes about his day to day. Getting angry that I took the car but nothing more. He ignored me for weeks. Only to stop no contact to shout abuse down the phone for leaving. Oh yeah, I found the first plane ticket I could find and left the country for a week. He told me to have fun trying to not think about him…
Now I’m in a pickle. He’s living in our house. That I pay for too and I currently squatting on my parents' couch. He told me that he wants to stay in the house for another 2 months and then re-assess.
I'm still in shock by all of this and I go days where I hate him and then days where all I want to do is understand what went so wrong. There is so much more to this story but this is the fundamental parts...
How can someone just.. leave. And ghost me with no feeling after seeing me every day for 8 years. I’m lost.. Should I be doing something? Am I the AH or the idiot for not seeing the red flags?
Has anyone went through this? He has been adamant that he isn’t having an affair.. but I feel in my gut something isn’t right. I’m still in love with him.. which I hate so emotions are high for me but now he’s treating me like a transaction. A loose end. I need a wake up call but I’m in a state of just… shock and confusion.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Talk to a lawyer and find out about selling the house and paying off the mortgage. If you’re not going back to the house tell him he’s responsible for paying the whole mortgage while you’re not there. Ask yourself one question would you ever trust him again . Good luck.
Affectionate_Bat3168 (OP)
Thank you, and that’s a good question to ask. Honestly I’m still in the shock phase. I feel like all of this is so sudden and happening so quickly. Lawyer is definitely my next stop.
Don’t try to figure it out. He had/is having an affair. Let her have him as he is not worth all this. Get off the lease however you can and file for divorce. Take him for all that you can. He’s not worth your heartache and worry.
Affectionate_Bat3168 (OP)
Thank you, It’s a mortgage and fixed for another 5 years so it’s so messy. I get your point though, it shouldn’t matter why, it sounds horrible but at least an affair would bring closure. It’s a lot harder to accept that he just.. fell out of love with me.
He cheated and has probably been cheating. Go see a divorce attorney and find out what you need to do to sell the house and split up your property. I’m sorry he did this to you. He’s a slime ball. Oh! And him saying “Have fun trying not to think about him,” is him trying not to think about you.
Affectionate_Bat3168 (OP)
I just feel like if he was cheating why wouldn’t he just admit it at this point, he has told me he doesn’t want to be with me, what’s the harm in telling me now? And yeh maybe it’s projection but he’s doing a pretty good job at pretending he doesn’t care about me. Thank you.
I'm sorry but I went through this and sorry to say but Jess is not just a friend. He is currently cheating on you and he only wants to see if they are really compatible. As for Mark he probably left because he knew and didn't want to be involved with someone affair.
Stop paying bills and get all of your belongings and file for divorce and as part of it ask to sell the house or he pays for half. He needs you to keep paying bills that's why he is dragging this out. You may live him but love yourself more and realize you deserve someone who always chooses you.