'Husband moved in his siblings without even letting me know. All of our future plans have basically been thrown away.' UPDATED
"Husband moved in his siblings without even letting me know. All of our future plans have basically been thrown away, and I’m heartbroken. (2 year new update)"
Husband and I have been married for 5 years. For some context, his siblings (Twins, M, F, early 20) are underdeveloped physically and mentally. They can take care of themselves as far as wiping themselves, going to the bathroom and feeding themselves.
But, they are rather weak, having brittle and fragile bones, and combined with their mental maturity, which is similar to that of about a 12-13 year old, they have to be monitored, cooked for, assisted with going up stairs, moving around for long distances etc.
They can’t take care of themselves financially because of all this. All of this I knew while we were dating, but they were being cared for by a team of nurses and caregivers at that time, not in our home.
But about a few months ago, the team was all fired. My husband told me that he was planning to move them in, and about a week or so later, they were moved in, along with a new team. I had no say or even much of a heads up about any of it.
The house suddenly became full of staff—someone was always there. Our privacy was basically snatched away. My husband already has a busy schedule (he’s a doctor, on call a lot) and now I feel like we barely have time to ourselves.
I’m competing with everything and everyone. We were about to start a family now that we were all settled, things were good between us, but now everything has been thrown into chaos, and I don’t know how to feel. I feel almost a sense of grief.
I feel like I have no control of anything. I feel like he just threw away our future and plans, as cruel as that may sound. We had a talk and everything was pointing toward a divorce, but I just feel so bitter.
I feel like he’s just giving up. He feels like I’m not being thoughtful enough. I love him more than anything and want to salvage our marriage if I can, before just making any snap decisions. Any advice is appreciated.
tl;dr: Husband’s disabled siblings moved in, and our whole loves have been thrown away. I feel bitter and hurt. Not sure what we can do that doesn’t involve divorce. Please help.
Edit: Also I should say, his parents are estranged—I’ve never met them, not even before we married. He cut them off a while ago, for a very understandable reason.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Divorce is the only option, he made a life changing decision without even discussing it with you. What happens when he fires the staff and expects you to take care of them full time Don’t have kids with him and get out whilst you can.
From your comments below there sounds like a bit of missing info- like his siblings were likely being abused in some manner in the previous situation, and he only just found out?
If that's the case it is still not okay to override your input, but he's likely dealing with both guilt and fear. I'd say you both need counseling to see if there is a setup he'll be comfortable with moving forward that you can also live with. Otherwise, he is likely going to decide that their care comes before your marriage, and you will have to decide if you want to stay in it.
He has made it clear your opinion doesn't count. Get a very expensive lawyer.
Six days later, the OP returned with an update.
After taking everyone's thoughts into consideration and taking some time to myself to think, I sat down with my husband when he was off call and told him I wanted to talk about everything that's happened. He told me that he wanted to talk too, and we had a raw heart to heart about everything.
We discussed the main issue that I mentioned in my previous post--I told him that I felt hurt about him not consulting or even telling me about what was going on, and he sincerely apologized for it, telling me that he wasn't thinking about much else other than their situation, which I understood, even if it still made me feel a certain way.
But then he told me that he needed to be honest to me about something, and that he understood that it may affect things between us, but that the whole situation with his siblings and their previous care team made him realize it even more.
He became very blunt. He told me that while he loves me more than anything, he loves them more, and that he has to put them first from now on, above anything. He told me that he couldn't handle anything else happening, and that everything he's done (the cameras, moving in the staff) was necessary.
And while this of course hurt for me to hear (even though, I understand, like I have for this whole situation) I realized some things. He might have acted selfishly at first (even if it was understandable), but my reaction could've been better, I admit.
He was breaking down right in front of me, reliving trauma that reminded him of his childhood, and I was too busy in my own feelings to offer any true support. I felt awful about that.
I didn't mention much of it in the previous post, but his parents were truly awful people--their neglect caused the undeveloped/regressed state of the twins in the first place, and if he hadn't taken care of them while they were small, they possibly wouldn't have survived.
They're very attached to him, almost like a small child with their parent. As painful as it was, I accepted that I couldn't come before their relationship.I did know about his legal obligation before we became married, so I obviously knew they were important to him. I have no bitter feelings toward the two--they're innocent in this situation and are very precious in their ways in general.
As far as our future plans, we agreed that we'd wait a few years (3 at the max) before truly deciding if we wanted to have a child or not (we were on the fence, but I was falling in love with the idea of motherhood perhaps more than I realized).
He was also very receptive about having designated areas that were "staff only" and "me" only. It's already been implemented a bit (with still more things to out in place) and I'm feeling a lot better about that already.
And lastly, I realize that this may seem like the fool's option to some (to the many who jumped straight to divorce) but now I know of all the facts and where he stands, so anything that may happen from now will be completely on me.
I feel hopeful in my decision, and am not wanting to give up. For him,and the marriage that I still value so much, I am willing to give it a try and try to adjust to our new normal. Thank you to everyone who helped me.
FINAL EDIT: Thank you everyone, I’m logging out from this account now. I appreciated some of the advice more than others, but everyone’s opinions were still read. Overall, I am content with my decision and am looking forward to seeing what the future might bring for us.
Whether we have children or not, with the resources that we have, I am sure we will work things out. We both know where the other stands, and what we’ve gotten into. That conversation we will revisit when we make our decision. We love each other, whether some choose to believe it or not. Thanks again!
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Well, I can’t even begin to imagine what your husband has been through, nor his siblings. I don’t have good advice since I can’t begin to comprehend how to handle this awful situation all around.
All I can say is, you can endure this as long as you can. But, if it comes the time where you feel unable to continue, you need to leave, for your own mental health. As sad as it might be, you can’t set yourself on fire to keep them warm just because you want to stay with him.
Sooner or later, there’ll be a moment where it comes between you or them, your husband already told you who comes first. I’m NOT saying to hold this over him or even feel resentful. All I’m saying, you gotta keep this thought at the back of your mind once/if the hammer drops.
He's still strong arming you. And now he's presented you with a "This is how it is, this is how it shall be." If you do have children, he will still choose his siblings first. That's an insanely difficult road ahead.
I’m sorry, he told you you and your future children will never be as important as his siblings, and you blamed yourself? I understand his trauma but this isn’t healthy for him. It’s certainly not healthy for you, and you should both be seeing individual therapists in the matter.
You should really consider if bringing children into this house and this relationship, ever, is a good idea (it’s not), and if not, if you’re willing to give up on motherhood for someone who doesn’t do much as consider you when making major life decisions.
Btw, as a parent, I wouldn’t make a move like that without warning and preparing my child. And as a spouse I would never even have overnight visitors without talking to my husband. It’s not just that he loves his siblings, it’s that you’re an afterthought.
Two full years later, the OP returned with an update.
I was always a bit of a fencesitter when it came to having children. Throughout my life, I went through phases of knowing for sure that I wanted children, to suddenly being uncertain, and suddenly not wanting to become a mother at all.
My life, honestly, was pretty uneventful. I saw the women in my community having children, and began to soon "fall in love" with the prospect of motherhood, as it seemed "exciting" and appeared to give women (who chose to become mothers) a purpose. Everyone else seemed to be sure, but I couldn't understand why I wasn't.
I married my husband (39 now) 7 years ago. He is a successful, well-off doctor with a deep connection to his "siblings" (more on that later). Marrying him was the happiest day of my life. I'm absolutely in love with him.
His job keeps him busy, but also because of his job I have the privilege to stay at home and pursue whatever I want. I did some small online work, but ultimately I was a stay at home wife (which I enjoy).
After marriage, we still waited a bit before deciding to have children. He has a legal and moral responsibility to his siblings (twins M,F who are now early mid 20's), but I wasn't concerned about this when it came to us possibly having a child.
Seeing how he is with them -- his love and sacrifice -- along with his dedication to his responsibilities and to me was confirmation that he was already a great, selfless father.
As I mentioned earlier; he is their legal guardian, and has been since he was 18 years old. But he has essentially been their caretaker since birth, due to extreme neglect/abuse towards them from the ones who birthed him.
If it wasn't for him, quite literally, they would not have survived. He is their father in everything but the biological sense, and they are quite literally children due to being made disabled from the abuse both physically (small, thin bodies and very fragile bones due to stunted growth) and mentally (brain development wise.
They are around 12/13 mentally. Very intelligent as "kids" that age are, but not able to take care of themselves and still need supervision, to be cooked for, and help with movement like going up stairs and walking or standing long distances).
About 3 years ago we were coming to a decision on children. I was getting "older" (32, now almost 35) and knew that if I wanted children I had to make a quick decision. I thought about it. Honestly, I went back and forth a little, but shortly after a mutual friend had a baby, I fell in love with motherhood again.
But before we could plan, a drastic change occurred, involving his siblings. Due to criminal mistreatment by the care team that had been caring for them, my husband abruptly moved them into the home without so much as talking to me.
It was thoughtless mistake on his part that I ultimately came to understand, but I frantically came to post about it on this site nearly 2 years ago, on another subreddit, in a panic about suddenly our lives being "thrown away" ( was in a more emotional state of mind back then, with all the "clock running out" thoughts in my head of what I thought I wanted).
I realize now that it was not the best move, considering people couldn't fully grasp the full nature of our relationship, his relationship with the twins, or the complexity that couldn't be fully described without telling intimate parts of their backstory.
I was called a lot of hateful names: "idiot" "stupid" and told I was had no self-respect and would be miserable and bitter for making a choice for myself that didn't involve hasty divorce and took a more compassionate route.
That they knew for certain that things wouldn't work out for us and couldn't wait to read again about how they were right in a few years. My husband was accused of being a manipulator, a monster, and selfish.
I honestly wasn't expecting such harsh, cruel, and ableist comments, even towards the twins. He even admitted that not informing me was wrong and apologized about it.
He accommodated me in my established boundaries involving the twins' staff and designated areas of the house I wanted to keep private, and explained his reasoning without being dismissive (he went into protective/fixer mode; it was an emergency; trauma flashbacks etc.).
It was not malicious, even though it was inherently disrespectful. And more importantly, it was not a pattern of behavior common of him at all. But apparently that wasn't enough for the people on the post.
Especially the fact that we agreed to wait on the topic of children for 2-3 years to see if I could adjust to this "new normal", or whether it *would* be best for us to split ways, because he was going to prioritize his siblings if it came to it.
This took a bit of a toll on our marriage, but neither of us wanted to give up on each other so easily. On the other hand, I hadn't been completely honest. I left out important information and took a naive approach to things he had told me regarding the twins' role in his life.
He *had* told me before marriage that he was their legal guardian and how important they were to him, and that he would always be their father. I knew this, but took his words as more surface level than seriously reflecting on what they meant.
He had also told me that the plan wasn't to leave them out of the home for long, the care team at the separate house was only temporary due to a certain circumstance, but again I didn't properly reflect on what this could mean for the future.
After the incident had occurred and the big change had happened, we had a raw, open talk, and he bluntly told me that they were his top priority, and considering he is like their father, I accepted that fact.
It was a bit shocking at first, until my counselor (and a few helpful people from the post) told me I essentially got into a marriage with a man already with children, and had seemingly ignored the fact. Something changed in me. I saw the love differently, and could understand why they were "first".
A few months passed, then a year. Since then, we have been to marriage counseling (though working around his schedule is crazy), a few vacations (some with just us, and some with the siblings) and are in a much better place.
We have evenings out and time to ourselves when it allows. The adjustment at first was difficult, but it was not as life-ending as I had ben led to believe. The desire for a child, for one reason or another, naturally started to fade.
Even though the twins have full-time, around the clock care from the in-home nursing team, I started gradually spending time with them. Sitting with them at breakfast. Going out into the gardens with them. Doing puzzles with them. Listening to them as they talk to me about their favorite things, and how much they love their "father".
Something happened that I never thought would. I started to fall in love with them in a maternal sense. I am ashamed to say it, but I was skeptical that it was possible to grow such an attachment to older "children" that weren't your own. Or to anyone that wasn't your spouse or actual children. I used to feel like I had no purpose.
Even after marrying my husband, I couldn't decide what I wanted. Maybe that was why I waited so long into my 30's. My counselor also put an interesting thought in my head. "Do you really want children, or are you looking for a purpose?"
As I said, my life used to be pretty uneventful. But now I am so passionate about things such as disability awareness, child abuse awareness, and have gotten involved with so many foundations.
With our wealth, I feel like I can actually do something. And I have wanted to be a children's book author. The twins really enjoy children's books more so than chapter books. My husband and I have grown closer through our love for them.
I may not be their mother, but I really do care for them. I don't have many conflicting thoughts about children anymore. I don't think I want any at all, and the feeling of indifference has been there consistently for a while now.
I know some people will probably still think I'm an "idiot" or that I was "manipulated to now caring for them" (even though they have staff) or "this was his plan all along" or something (He never asked me to, and still doesn't fully trust the staff, hence why we still have cameras in their designated areas where they frequent with the twins). But I am truly happy with my life now, and see a bright future for us all.
I never thought I would log back into this account. I forgot about it for a while. This is not a gloating or "gotcha" thing for me. I understand that some people were generally trying to help, give tough love, or were trying to look out for me.
I was inspired to share this on this site, for the last time, to give my own perspective. Motherhood and love is something I was so uppity about. But it comes in many forms. I saw it further through a mutual friend's adoption of two older children (12 and 7).
As women, whether you have kids or not, if there's no sense of purpose within you, it won't bring happiness. For some women, the kids are the purpose, and it makes them happy. For other women, being single and enjoying their life and their hobbies and relationships is their purpose.
I don't believe having kids would've made me happy or brought me a purpose, like I used to think. The people that everyone told me would ruin me actually opened me up to my purpose -- all without having to go through a risky pregnancy, possible postpartum depression, and the stress. I just want to be with my husband, the twins, and continue to have a nice life.
Thank you for anyone who read to the end. This is more of a vent, and hopefully can be uplifting to women out there who might be struggling with thoughts of motherhood, kids, marriage, purpose, or self-confidence. Don't ever allow others assertions to shape your life. I'm so glad I didn't fall into the reality that everyone had tried to push me into.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
This was beautiful. Good for you and good for them. I’m happy for all the love you’ve got going on.
There’s so many ways to create a family. It’s not always simple, it’s never perfect, and mistakes get made. But the love and dedication at the core is what defines a family. This was beautiful to read. I am so happy for you, your husband and the kids. I wish you many years of happiness together.
You are their mother, just as he is their father.
ThrowRA_falling232 (OP)
It feels that way ... and I wouldn't have it any other way. Even if they never call me it, I can see the love in their eyes, and it's the sweetest thing. I'm glad to give them another chance at having a mother figure, done right this time.
Love grows where it is nurtured. Honestly I was scared to be a step parent, but when I decided it can be as simple as a positive person in her life… love grew. Love is the best wherever it’s found. Congratulations on being a mom by circumstance.