'My past infidelity has came to life. I need advice on saving my relationship with my husband and sister.' UPDATED
"My past infidelity has came to life. I need advice on saving my relationship with my husband and sister."
These are not real names. A long time ago, after dating for years, my now husband Stuart and I got married. It was his first deployment and I didn’t know how to handle not seeing him. I developed better coping mechanisms since then.
He’s leaving active duty now but I understand now the importance of getting a friend group and even got a dog to help when he’s away. He only deployed one more time after that and the past two years been home, and now with him leaving active duty we are finally about to get settled and move to DC where we both got jobs.
I am a shamed to say during his first deployment I was unfaithful to him. I was in a vulnerable state and my sister’s husband drove 3 hours to help me repaint the patio. I always had a crush on him but never thought of acting on it.
Selfishly we started hooking up and it haunts me to this day. We would find excuses for her to come down here (mainly work around the house) and my sister, Jane had to watch the baby.
Well my sister found out he was cheating (but she didn’t know him and I had been hooking up) because he gave her chlamydia, even though he was supposed to only be hooking with me (and obviously) Jane. I usually take my sexual health really serious and never cheated before. I realized I’m risking my marriage, my health, my husband’s health and cut things off.
Since then I’ve made sure to be the perfect wife and sister….but my sister recently filed for divorce because he kept cheating on her. I guess he realized she wasn’t taking him back and in an effort to hurt her he told her about our past. Just pure evil….I can’t believe he would say something just to hurt her because she won’t tolerate his cheating anymore.
My sister told my husband today and everything blew up. He got a hotel and my sister cursed me out and has told me I’m dead to her. She blocked me on everything. I’ve received calls from family members.
My mom sent me a nasty message, my brother, almost everyone. My dad has been very sympathetic and I appreciate him for that. I told him I’ll call him tomorrow but right now I just feel like my life blew up and I have no one.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You say you changed but not once did you ever come clean to your husband. That’s the real problem here, you chose to bury it down and keep it a secret. Not only is there a cheating aspect to it but now there is years of lies and hiding that you have added onto it. Personally I don’t know how this is saved.
She was at home looking after a baby alone, while you were banging her husband. There is a special place in hell for you.
This is pretty ugly sis, I’m not gunna lie. You both caused a world of hurt. An ongoing affair with your sister’s husband screams selfish and immature. One time is bad enough but you only stopped when his STI made you realize he is cheating on YOU as well. Notice how your own self protection is what made you stop. Not guilt. Not love for your husband, but a thought for your own health.
This is the problem. You feel guilty, cool, you don’t get the luxury of being a sociopath. You do get to sit with the fact you tore apart two families because you didn’t like being on your own.
Future partners will side eye you for this. Women won’t trust you because you helped a man cheat on your own sister. Your whole family won’t trust you all because you were lonely. This is life altering stuff. You also messed up two marriages, have you heard of the concept of karma?
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
I’ve gotten a lot of angry comments and rightfully so. There is no way to justify what happened and I won’t do that. All I can say is that I deeply regret my actions. It was hard looking myself in the mirror.
My dad has been my rock throughout all of this. I cried when talking to him but he let me know I’m not a bad person and he understands why I never told anyone, he also talked to my husband and convinced him to have a conversation with me. He tried to convince my sister but she said no and I told my dad we gotta respect that.
My husband and I did talk. He asked is there any other time I cheated on him and I told him absolutely not. He is hurt right now he said and he needs space. He thought we had a great marriage before this and now doesn’t know what we have.
That really hurt… Thankfully he won’t make any rash decisions he said, he’s going to take some time for his mental health and so he can think clearly. Then he wants us to go to counseling and after counseling he will make a decision. I told him I would love to do counseling and I’m ready whenever he’s ready.
I’m still sad but I’m feeling better. My dad said he will come visit me next weekend and is reminding me that I’m not a bad person and we all make mistakes, he let me know it’s what we do moving forward that makes us as a person and those words are helping me move than ever.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Cheating is not a mistake. Of all the people to cheat with, you chose your sister's husband.
Dad is definitely a cheater.
I have an inkling the reason why your dad is taking up for you so hard is that he’s either a cheater too and/or he’s scared you’ll hurt yourself.
You're dads also a cheater and yes you are a bad person.
Oh so you’re dad is a cheater got it, welp the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Thankfully your sister has her mom, the good parent.
Clearly Dad is/was a cheater. It absolutely infuriates me that OP’s sister has now been betrayed by every single person in her life who is supposed to love her. Her husband betrayed her. Her sister betrayed her. And now her father is betraying her as well.
OP, even the pits of hell are not enough punishment for the suffering you have caused your sister. You committed the ultimate betrayal, ripped out both her heart and soul, and caused more pain and suffering than most people could survive. She will still be in pain decades from now; she will never recover.
Until you and your father both fully own that, you have no business contacting her. The only thing either of you should be doing is paying for her therapy and her childcare now that she’s a single mother because of you. You are not worthy of the dirt on her soles, and the same goes for your father if he attempts to pressure her again.
Please show your father and your sister these posts. I’m sure many of us would be happy to donate to a Go Fund Me for your sister to help her attempt to put back together the complete wreckage you made of her marriage, her mental health, and her life.
Eight days later, the OP returned with another update.
I know I’m not the most popular person on Reddit but I am really trying to save my marriage. I’m extremely nervous about Tuesday which is the first session for us. I told him I was committed to regaining his trust and putting our marriage where it was before everything came out.
He said he will try to reconcile but no promises, and he is trying but not handling it the best. He doesn’t know how to feel about my guy friends and said he’s suspicious and he wonders if there’s more people I cheated with. I didn’t and never cheated other than the situation we all know about. I do not see my guy friends that way.
As far as my sister I still haven’t heard from here. My dad said once things settle down he will try to help mend things over between us. But right now the only thing I can focus on is rebuilding my relationship with my husband who’s actually talking to me and trying. Any tips on being rebuilding this relationship and getting ready for therapy Tuesday.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Here's the truth: Even if you stay together, even if someday he forgives you, the marriage you had before is gone for good. You won't get it back. That's the price you pay. If you can't handle the fact you'll never have the same relationship, end it now. Save both of you the pain.
I mean, it seems as though the only reason she stopped the affair was because he gave her an STI, and she realized he was sleeping with other people, too! Nothing to do with morals, sisterly feelings or common decency.
OP: “me me me I’m not a bad person me me me me”.
Like girl you shagged your sister’s husband!? Like stop getting your dad to fix your problems for you, especially if your sister cuts him off too.
Karma may take time, but it arrives.
Understand that you are facing an uphill battle that will make Mt Everest seem tame in comparison. Also understand that he will never trust you the same way he did. He will never "get over" what you did.
The first thing to remember is that you need to tell the truth. I know, sounds simply, but it has to be all the time and every time. Doesn't matter if you think the truth will hurt him. He has to know that what you say is the whole story and that you're not still hiding things from him.
The other thing you need to accept is that you may not be able to rebuild the relationship. People are not mind readers. Despite your assertion that you won't do this again, he doesn't know that for sure.
After all, you cheated once so what stops you from cheating again? How would he ever know? He didn't know the first time so that doubt will always be there. And some people simply can't handle the doubt. Some people can't accept being with someone they cannot fully trust. You need to accept that a failure to reconcile is a possible outcome.
As for your guy friends, no more hanging out with them without your husband there. Yes, that probably sucks for you, but that is an outcome of your actions. Anything else is going to trigger your husband.
As for your sister, you don't have one anymore. You betrayed her in the worst way possible, lied about it for years, and weren't even the one to tell her. Instead, it was her husband and your affair partner telling her in order to hurt her even worse.
Even if she manages to find a way to get to a point where she could be in the same room without wanting to hurt you in some way, she'll never be the sister you had growing up. That person is gone for good no matter what your dad says. In fact, if your dad pushes too much, he'll lose her as well since she will cut him off too.