'AITA for not 'shutting my kid up' when she was asking questions about my friends relationship?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for not 'shutting my kid up' when she was asking questions about my friends relationship?"
I (35F) and my husband (36M) have a 5 year old daughter. Recently she found our wedding album and has been absolutely obsessed with weddings and everything to do with them. She’s been asking us a bunch of questions, for example why we got married. We’ve just been answering that we love each-other a lot and thought it was right for us.
Recently a friend of ours invited us to their 6th year wedding anniversary party. The friend who was hosting the party and I are apart of a pretty large female friendship group that started in our law school days. All of us are either married with children, engaged or in a relationship of some sort.
Mandy (35F) is apart of this friendship group and is in a relationship with Baz (38M). Mandy and Baz have been together for almost 8 years now, for the past 5 Mandy has been expressing to us that she really wants to get married but Baz is very avoidant about it.
To the point that when it’s brought up he just says “it’s just a piece of paper” and “I don’t need the governments approval to love you”. Despite us gently suggesting that he might be unserious about her and that if they have different views on marriage they shouldn’t be together she insists they are meant to be and that he’ll come to his senses.
At the party all of the couples and kids were invited and my daughter was over the moon about all the wedding stuff. Mandy eventually strikes up a conversation with my daughter about school and such.
My kid notices Baz and Mandy together and asks if they are married, why they aren’t married when they will get married in a very awkward “wvhen wvill you wvear wvigs” type manner.
I was nearby and overheard the conversation and immediately tried to change the subject apologised as I knew this was a touchy subject for Mandy. I made her apologise to Mandy for being nosy but then she kinda snaps back at my daughter saying “well we aren’t married because I truely love him and I’m not a gold digger lol”.
Some context my husband is a very successful architect and his family comes from some wealth, my family is the opposite with me being a first generation law student. I had opened up to Mandy in the past that I was worried to meet my husbands family in case they think I’m just with him for his money and got nervous about what people thought once they knew I didn’t originally come from wealth.
I love my husband, have a great relationship with his family and I’m very successful in my field as well but I knew the comment was directed at me. She is the breadwinner in her relationship and has made snarky comments to me before about the size of my ring and how it’s looks “too big and greedy” and will opt for a different style when her and Baz get married.
She has even implied that my husband is unattractive and made a comment that I only got pregnant early into the marriage because I wanted to “seal that generational wealth down with a baby” when I announced my pregnancy. Each time I kinda laughed it off and moved on, except for the last comment which I shut down hard and kinda scared her out of saying anything else until this party.
Everyone else there also overheard the conversation and knew the context of that comment and the room just kinda went silent and awkward. It was the end of the party so we kinda just left and said goodbye to the host.
That was about two days ago, today she sent me a message saying people were texting her that what she said wasn’t cool and that she should apologise. She gave a very half assed apology and said that she probably wouldn’t have said anything if I had just “shut my kid up earlier”.
To that I responded to not ever trash talk my kid and that I wanted space from her and said that this broke the camels back as it was said to my daughter. I told the other friends about the text and thankfully they backed me up and told her she was being a b-word.
I think they were riding her so hard because a lot of the friend group were also first generation students with equally successful partners. She sent a follow up apology that was slightly more sincere and asked me to get people off her back.
My husband is equally as mad but said to maybe cut her a little slack because she is in such a bad place in her relationship and is projecting out of fear. The comment really hurt my feelings but I knew she was in a tough place with Baz and probably could’ve controlled my daughter a little earlier. So AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Your friend is a lawyer, yet can't handle voir dire from a five year old. She is a loser for that. She is a loser for taking her frustrations out on a child. She is a loser for taking her frustrations out on you. She is a loser for being jealous of your marriage. She is a loser for not being able to communicate about her needs with her boyfriend.
No. NTA. She's just embarrassed a 5 year old just called out her relationship she is already self conscious about. She's 5. How can you be mad at an inquisitive 5 year old asking 5 year old questions?
She could have gotten up and walked away with any number of excuses. Instead, she further embarrasses herself with the gold digger comment. That was a low blow. THEN she has the audacity to suggest you needed to shut your 5 year old up sooner? Oh, hell no!
NTA. Mandy was triggered by a 5 year old’s questions and lashed out by calling her mom a gold digger? Thats beyond crazy.
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
I originally wasn’t going to update on the situation because I was honestly just going to ghost Mandy for a while and just forget about this whole thing. But I read some of the comments and decided to talk to my daughter.
My Husband and I sat her down and talked to her about how there are many different types of relationships because there are many different types of people. We told her some people want to get married, some don’t and that’s ok and how getting married isn’t just about a wedding it’s a big commitment to another person.
We also said that people can have long and happy relationship without getting married and that isn’t something to look down on people on. We also said that it is ultimately her choice to decide if she ever wants to get married in the future and we would support her no matter what.
We then explained that being curious and asking questions is a good thing but marriage and weddings can be very personal for a lot of people and if they don’t want to talk about it to respect that. She seemed to understand and still loves weddings and looks at my husband and i’s wedding album often but had thankfully chilled out a lil.
I was still a bit confused on what to do about Mandy as I had some mixed opinions in the comments. I did get a few that stuck with me asking why we are even friends if she doesn’t like me. I didn’t want to confront the issue again but in the past few days I found out I’m pregnant with a second kid.
After the intial joy with my husband surpassed a little I got sad thinking about this drama and thinking about how I only wanted people around me who wholeheartedly supported me. I ended up sending a msg to Mandy asking to meet up for a coffee.
When I met her I told her that we had been friends a long time but her past comments about me hurt. I apologized for my daughter at the party but that didn’t make her comment ok.
I also apologized if I ever came off to her as being judgmental or disapproving of her relationship with Baz and that I only wanted her to be happy and if she is I completely support her. I then told her about the pregnancy and said that if she didn’t like me that was her prerogative but I only wanted people around me that support me in this period of my life.
She took it in and actually apologized for her comments and admitted that they were mean spirited. She felt that because of her family she’s always had pressure to live up to “traditional family life” even though she didn’t want to and was happy with the way things were with Baz.
I was happy we reached some sort of understanding but things took a turn for the worst. She confessed that she purposely started saying mean comments to prevent me from falling into the stay at home mum “trap”???
I was confused and she clarified that two other women in the group have done the same after having children and she predicted that I would go down the same route so to “protect me” after
I got engaged she started indirectly shaming me in hopes I wouldn’t quit my job to take care of my kids!?!?!?!?! (I HAVE NEVER ONCE SAID I WANTED TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOTHER BTW).
I told her that was crazy and that I never once said I wanted to stop working because I love my job. She said that was a good thing but she thought I would because of how often I talk about my daughter and how in her eyes I crave the validation of my husband too much.
I said that she was being mean and that I’ve treasured her friendship for a long time but I need to think about if it was worth saving. I’m now in my car typing this head-spinning. I don’t want to be her friend anymore but I’m scared that other people might shame me into it because of the baby coming. What do I do?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
It sounds like this meet-up with Mandy was a sincere attempt on your part but everything she said, the pressure from her parents and the supposed plan to save you from a "trap", was all just her looking for ways to deflect the responsibility for what she did. It shows that her so-called apology is not sincere at all.
It is completely reasonable that you don't want to be her friend anymore because it is clear that she is not your friend and hasn't been in a long time.
Just my two cents, she's not happy with her life. She wants what op has. A marriage, a family a child. And damn, she even wants to stop working. Just wait n see.. when she dumb that man she 'love', and find another man that ticks all the boxes she's gonna stop working.
Go low contact. When asked by other people, just reply with answers like "we have some disagreements" or "too busy" (depends on who is asking). As a mom of two and never once wanting to be a stay-at-home mom.
What Mandy said only confirmed that 1) she IS rude, 2) she is full of biases, and 3) she does not know you, at all. This is no friend of yours, it's time to drop some dead weight, you'll find life so much better after that.
A week later, the OP returned with a final update.
Hello everyone! This is the last time I’m going to update on the situation because I’ve decided the stress isn’t worth it. These last few days I’ve been making all the calls and visits to my close friends and family to announce the pregnancy so pretty much everyone in my circle knows now. People have just been wanting to talk about the baby so no one has asked about all the Mandy stuff thankfully.
I met up with one of my closest friends in the group recently. I told her what happened the last time I saw Mandy and she was just as gobsmacked as I was. I told her I’m going to be taking some space from Mandy and this whole drama to focus on the pregnancy.
Even though I didn’t really want to hear about it, my friend gave me some new info on Mandy and Baz. Apparently they are going through it rn and close to breaking up, it’s gotten bad enough that Baz has temporarily moved back in with his mother.
According to my friend, Mandy decided to have a serious talk with Baz about marriage and she told him that she was ok with never getting married. Baz then kinda freaked out and accused her of cheating because he thinks her not wanting to get married anymore means there has to be someone else and or she has lost interest (which is dumb).
He apparently won’t listen to reason so they are taking some time apart. I feel sad for her but it’s not my focus anymore and I hope Mandy just ends up happy. I’m thriving with my family, focusing on getting through these early pregnancy days and spending time with the people who support me. Thanks for all the advice 🫶
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Wow. Honestly even though Mandy messed up real bad, it is nothing compared to the dumpster fire that is Baz. He is the literal worst. Not your circus or monkeys though. Enjoy the pregnancy and congratulations!
Mandy is deeply unhappy and is making it everyone else's problem.
And it’s wild how far OP is bending to support Mandy’s choices and life, yet doesn’t recognize that Mandy is reciprocating NONE of it.
The cognitive dissonance goes crazy with that one. She’s going to buy herself an engagement ring, not because Baz has zero interest in their relationship, but because she’s a feminist.
The ring will be small, not because money is tight, but because she’s not greedy. Her forever boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet, not because he’s waiting for someone better to come along, but because it’s just a piece of paper. Please be serious.
Not the main focus obviously, but you gotta love reddit for the inevitable and immediate leap to "WELL IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR BRINGING YOUR CHILD", as if every parent everywhere is forcing their child on others, and no one could possibly willingly invite a whole family.