'AITA for buying my sister's dream house?' UPDATED
"AITA for buying my sister's dream house?"
Cold-Brilliant-4578
My (27 F) wife (30 F) and I recently closed on our dream house and it has the family torn. Years ago my grandparents owned “the family home”, but when they died unexpectedly with a LOT of medical debt and expenses our family had to sell their house. It was heartbreaking and sad and I decided as a small child that one day I would buy the house back. I shared those dreams with my sister.
I met my wife when I was 18 and she was 21. Her parents owned a small rental that they allowed her to live in rent free, just paying for the expenses. She invited me to live with her a year in to our relationship and we got married a year after that.
I told her about my dreams of owning my grandparents house and she fully supported me. We began putting large amounts of money back for a down payment in the hopes that the house wouldn’t go on the market before we could afford it.
Because we didn’t pay rent and both had good jobs for our ages and the economy we lived in we were able to put back a very very large sun of money. My in laws also offered us a sum of $75,000 for the down payment and in total we put back about $185,000.
About 20 years after my grandparents passed away their house finally went back on the market at a massive price. The house itself is huge with 6 bedrooms, a large lakefront estate, and several features including a pool and small guesthouse. We knew that this house would have a huge price tag and we skimped and budgeted for nine years to afford my dream house.
My sister was also house shopping at this time but with a much smaller budget. Her and her husband have children, student debt, and rented for the past several years and were not able to put back money in the same way my wife and I were.
When our grandparents house went on the market I sent the link to my sister and said that we were finally getting our grandparents home back in the family. She was very excited and said as much and that was that.
My wife and I moved forward, visiting with the owners and real estate agents, having it inspected, and made an offer. They accepted and we were absolutely over the moon.
Throughout this whole process my sister kept saying how excited she was to have the house back in the family and how nice it will be for her children to know this house and grow up in it like her and I did.
Our grandparents house was the location of every birthday, holiday, gathering, and reunion. And my wife and I planned on making it that way again. Which was why what my sister said didn’t raise any red flags. Weird that she’d phrase it that way but not concerning.
We had a bbq at my parent’s house to celebrate the final closing of our house. During the dinner my MIL offered to kennel our dogs while we were in the stages of moving to keep things easier and them safe and that was when my sister piped up.
She asked why our dogs needed to be watched when the real issue was her kids. My wife asked what she meant and she said that her kids will need more supervision than our dogs and that she was confused as to why we’d be so busy that our dogs needed watching.
I told her I was the one confused. I didn’t know she was helping us move and that if her kids couldn’t reliably be left to their own devices then she absolutely did not need to help us pack.
My sister proceeded to ask why my wife and i would be packing. I told her the obvious, we just closed in a house? For length reasons I’ll leave out a lot of the back and forth but here’s the gist of it.
My sister had it in her head that we were buying the house to either A. Rent to own it out to her family or B. Transfer the title to her name and have her pay us back in time. Yes that is literally what she was thinking. Despite us never discussing anything like that once.
When I told her that was not happening my sister threw a fit. She was livid because “this was her dream too”. And that it wasn’t fair that only one of us could live it. That since she had children they deserved to grow up in the family home and what did my wife and I even need all that space for?
My wife told her that it isn’t “the family home” anymore. It wasn’t left in a will, we purchased it and now it is our home. And we decide what we will do with it. My sister told my wife to shut up and that she had no say in this “family discussion”.
I informed my sister that if she spoke to my wife that way again we would not be having any kind of contact with her anymore. That she doesn’t get to assume we’re giving her a HOUSE and then throw a hissy fit when she’s put in her place. And we left.
My in-laws spoke to us on the matter a few times but all told us we were in the right and that my sister was very out of line. I assumed everyone would agree but if they did I wouldn’t be on this thread.
I got texts and voicemails from my parents saying that we were out of line threatening my sister. They told me they were disappointed in me for taking my sister’s dream from her and that I don’t have kids so I can’t understand her want to provide them with a good home and childhood like she had.
That it’s only fair we set up a way to give her the house and that we could afford to find something else. Even my more distant relatives have said that it was cruel of us to “take that from her”.
I’m honestly super shocked and taken aback. I’ve seen stories similar to this on Reddit, entitled people thinking they should get their relatives houses, but i never expected to live it. This feels surreal and I hate that we’re starting this new chapter out on such a sour note. AITA for buying my sisters dream house?
Edit: wow this blew up in such a short amount of time! Thank you for your support and if this continues to be interesting and not blow over I’ll definitely update. Yes this unfortunately is a real situation.
And in case anyone is curious. Yes the house is big and expensive but it’s severely outdated. Which is why the size and features don’t exactly match the price in today’s housing market. Like I don’t think any owners after my grandparents renovated a single thing.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
EvryDayGal
NTA: Your sister is delusional and has made up a narrative in her head that she is “owed” or entitled to certain privileges. Your parents are crazy for reinforcing that narrative to her. Good on you for taking your wife’s side and not standing for the disrespect.
Bambi_H
Of course, NTA, but this does sound incredibly delusional on your sister's part. Protect your new life appropriately, and put your entire family on an information diet. Congratulations on your new home!
Livid_Western7133
NTA. Do not ever give your parents or sister a spare key or the door code. Ever.
Lazuli_Rose
NTA. Tell your parents and anyone other relatives that if they think sister deserves the house, that they can pool their money and purchase it from you. Set the price as double what you paid. Then I would start ignoring and/or blocking them. There is no way your sister could afford this house and we all know that she would never pay you. They can all shove off.
Tannim44
NTA, put cameras up ASAP. It doesn't sound like the crazy is going to fade away so be prepared. You haven't done anything wrong. Congratulations on your new home! I hope you and your wife are very happy there!
UPDATE:
Thank you to everyone for being so supportive and offering advice. To those who suggested getting a security system in place, we are going to do that but the house is not in a place where a security system can be installed. For the time being we’re looking into getting some battery power trail cameras as suggested by one person. (I can’t find your comment in the sea anymore but you know who you are!).
We don’t have to worry about internet access and they won’t be in the way of renovations. We are restoring the house back to its original glory, pre carpeted bathrooms and mismatched wallpaper. Besides fixing broken s^&$and upgrading old appliances we’ll be having the floors redone, paint, wallpaper, new windows, and opening up some walls that shouldn’t be there.
For the next two weeks my wife and I will be meeting with people coming out to work on electricity, plumbing, and a few other things and we do have a consultation with a home security company. Along with cameras we’re looking to get alarms and door codes and set up an access gate around the property.
One of those that needs either a passcode or to be let in by someone in the house. We’ve already made an appointment to have the locks changed and aren’t concerned about my family trying to squat there. My in-laws have allowed us to park their camper trailer on the property while work is being done not only for peace of mind but to avoid commuting back and forth multiple times daily.
For the actual update. I was hesitant to post this update since it’s so soon after my original post but I guess enough has happened for it to be useful information. The events of the bbq took place last week but I only got around to writing it all out yesterday.
I sent a message to my parents and siblings yesterday evening asking to meet up to talk things through and try and figure out what’s wrong and what exactly the hell is happening. Earlier today my wife and I met my parents and my brother’s family at his house before my sister arrived. I let them know that if they tried to interrupt or control the conversation we would leave.
I told them that I never once even suggested my sister would be allowed to rent out the house or buy it from us. That u didn’t know where she got the idea from, and showed them the text strings where I first sent her the listing and every conversation where I updated her on the progress.
My mom asked to see the rest of the conversations about the house and I told her there were none. She informed me that my sister told them all that we had made an agreement that my wife and I would purchase it and then rent it out to my wife’s family until they’d paid enough to buy it.
That we would live in the guest house and they’d get the main house. She told them that we had went back on our deal and had “absolutely shattered her dreams of raising her kids in the house she grew up in”.
We gave our side and it wasn’t difficult at all to convince my parents that we were telling the truth. With the lack of evidence on my sisters part and absolutely no legal documentation my parents didn’t even attempt to try and back up what she told them.
My parents were very apologetic and let us know that they never would have said those things to us had they known the truth and that they supported us 100%. My brother was supportive of us as well but he was never one of the people harassing us over this so his reaction is less important.
Around then my sister and her husband showed up. My BIL is a doormat and will give my sister whatever she wants so I wasn’t expecting much from him.
I asked her to produce any of the necessary evidence to prove that I told her we’d rent the house out to her. That her lie was ill conceived and that she better have a good explanation. She attempted to suggest that i had deleted the conversation but when she couldn’t produce said messages either her story fell apart.
She started crying, saying it wasn’t fair that we “got everything handed to us” and that we “didn’t need a house this big” and that we were rubbing our wealth in her face. So to my understanding she thought she could trick everyone into bullying us into renting our house out to her? I guess?
Like some kind of crazy in the head Scooby Doo villain? Instead of using ghosts to scare us away she’s using a fake rental agreement that she didn’t even attempt to make look or sound legit.
We let her know that she had a lot of apologizing to do before we’d consider having a relationship with her moving forward and that she wouldn’t be welcome in our home for a long time.
At the moment our relationship with my parents is rocky at best, for obvious reasons. They let us know that they’re here to support us if we need moving assistance or help with renovations but it’ll take some good hard thinking to decide if we’re okay with that.
We will not be giving anyone in my family a spare key but my wife’s parents will receive one for emergencies. The house won’t be in a state to host guests for a bit so we are choosing to cross the “can my family be trusted at our home” bridge when we come to it.
To answer some common questions I’ve noticed in the comments. My sister obviously has some screws loose but my parents don’t really coddle her.
She’s what you can consider the golden child (and the baby) but honestly most of her antics up until this point were just one upping achievements during our childhood or seeking more attention from our parents. She’s dramatic, entitled, and a little selfish but has never displayed this level of crazy before.
Yes we will get a security system but not for a bit. No my family will not be trusted with a key. Yes I am a woman. I know it’s crazy how can two women be married lol. My wife and I do not have kids and will not have them in the future. My sister has done some odd things but nothing as absolutely absurd as this.
We will be meeting with an estate planner to put everything into writing. We plan on leaving the property to my SIL and her kids with my MIL as the executor of our estate for the time being.
My sister and her family rent a small house in town. They aren’t struggling per se, they each are college educated with good jobs but children are expensive and then adding in student debt and $2,000 a month in rent and you aren’t exactly living it up.
Also there’s a surprising amount of people mad at my wife and I for being rich? We are not wealthy. My in laws are comfortable and are generous enough to allow us to occupy their rental at no charge. They bought a new house decades ago and just didn’t sell their previous one. So they allowed my wife to live there. The down payment was my wife’s college fund from years ago.
Her parents put money in it but when she decided to go into a trade they kept the money and saved it specifically for the purpose of a down payment. When we told them that the house was up for sale finally they offered the college fund they had kept for her.
We work good paying jobs but were able to save so much because we didn’t have to pay 2 grand a month for housing. We did skimp and save and we did damn well earn it. We lived below our means and spent years forgoing any kind of luxuries to afford something we wanted.
So yeah, not as drama filled as a lot of people were expecting or hoping. I don’t see this as the end of it, not at all, but for the time being my wife and I are focusing on dealing with our new house and not my sister. She’s blocked on both our phones as of this morning and I’m not sure when I plan on unblocking her.
Edit to add some more information: we are leaving the house to my SIL and her kids because my sister is the only close family member on my side with children. Neither I nor my brother have kids.
I have cousins with children but we are not close, not nearly as close as we are to my SIL and her children. A lot of people were upset or confused by this because I wanted the house back in the family. My wife’s relatives are my family too?
Our relationship with my parents at the moment is rocky because despite the fact that they apologized and support us they STILL took my sisters side immediately with zero evidence to her claims. I figured that was obvious but a surprising amount of people are saying they don’t deserve that.
I do plan on posting pictures and renovation updates of the house but not for a bit. Because the sale is so recent it’s still floating around on some of the real estate websites and apps and since the address is on those listings it’s not safe at the moment.
Edit to add some more information: we are leaving the house to my SIL and her kids because my sister is the only close family member on my side with children. Neither I nor my brother have kids. I have cousins with children but we are not close, not nearly as close as we are to my SIL and her children.
We aren’t leaving it to my brother because he’s in the same generation as us and hopefully we won’t precede him in death by decades like we likely will my SILS kids. A lot of people were upset or confused by this because I wanted the house back in the family. My wife’s relatives are my family too?
Our relationship with my parents at the moment is rocky because despite the fact that they apologized and support us they STILL took my sisters side immediately with zero evidence to her claims. I figured that was obvious but a surprising amount of people are saying they don’t deserve that.
I do plan on posting pictures and renovation updates of the house but not for a bit. Because the sale is so recent it’s still floating around on some of the real estate websites and apps and since the address is on those listings it’s not safe at the moment.
When I said Pre carpeted bathrooms I meant the era before they carpeted them. We’re restoring it to before the 80s that everything in the house seems to be stuck in😂
Edit 2: Damn a LOT of y’all don’t consider your spouses family your own family and it shows. My family is not more important or a higher priority than my in-laws. My in laws are my family too. When you marry someone you blend families.
The house going to my SIL and her kids most definitely is keeping the house in the family because this is the family we created. Also my in-laws made it possible to even achieve this so if we were to go the “who’s more deserving of our property when we die” route my in-laws would be more entitled to it than my family.