'AITA for ruining family therapy by telling off my dad and walking out?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for ruining family therapy?"

My (18 f) mom passed away when I was 7. My father aka step siblings dad remarried a year later. His new wife had 3 kids A (8 m) B (6 m) C (3 f). He said she wanted a dad for her kids and he wanted a mom for me. I remember telling him I didn't want a new mom. He said I would understand later. My step siblings dad basically stopped doing anything alone with me.

No more camping nights in the back yard or movie nights which we had done every week for years. Nothing. He spent time with all his new kids 'to bond'. Its been 11 years and he still doesn't have time for me bc hes 'bonding with them.' He stoped coming to my games when I got to HS. His wife & I have nothing in common. I play three sports and I'm on the speech team.

She's very girly and like girl trips to buy clothes and makeup at different malls. She knows I don't want to go but just tells my step siblings dad that she invited me. I have a teammate I play two sports with. Her parents have become like my own. She said she is totally fine with it. I've make sure all the time bc I don't want to take someone else's parents.

But she's always the one to invite me over, brings her parents to my swim meets bc she knows no one will be there for me. Invited me to go shopping for mother/father day gifts and says their from both of us. Her parents get me holiday gifts and say I'm always welcome. Senior night at basketball, I told her my step siblings dad isn't going to walk me around the floor bc he doesn't even come to games.

She asked her dad to walk both of us and he was happy to. In a small town that made the paper bc they thought it was sweet. My step sibling's dad flipped out & took us all to therapy. He asked why he hadn't been asked. I said bc he didn't come to games.

He said he didn't know I played basketball anymore. I asked if that's why he didn't come to swim or softball when he couldn't miss A and B's practices. Or come to speech meets when he went to C's dance recitals. He just stared at me and said he didn't know I still did those either. I asked why he talked for days about B's camping trip but didn't ask about my senior trip to Mexico.

He said he didn't know I went. I said he signed the form. He admitted he didn't read it. I asked if he remembered the last time I called him dad. He said he didn't know I stopped. I said May 13 2021. He said that was the day A B C started. I said I know. You stopped being my dad when you started being theirs. I walked out of therapy.

Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.

Edit: I played all three since I was a toddler so I'm not sure why he thought I stopped. He never asked why I came home a couple hours after practice or went out on weekends for game days. When I talked about games, he said I thought I was just playing with friends bc all my friends play.

Update got deleted. Basically I'm getting some info on my trust and belongings it paid for. My friends dad tried to confront my step siblings dad about why I can't go over anymore but he just shut the door on him and I check in daily with my friend or her parents via phone. My step siblings are all mad at both their parents and are being very supportive.

The comment section was lively and opinionated.

GhDownUnder wrote:

NTA. I don't understand how your dad could be so clueless about your life. There was nothing wrong with him wanting a family again, but it feels like more of an unhealthy way of dealing with trauma. But that's done now, he's committed to his new family. What's not okay is abandoning the family he still had after your mother's death.

You put a mirror in front of his reality and he didn't like the way he and it looked. That being said, don't discount therapy. This is a great chance for you to reconcile your own emotional wounds that have never had the chance to heal, whilst also providing a platform for your dad to grow and become a better dad again.

OP responded:

I think he's a great dad to the kids he has now. I'm really not interested in any kind of relationship with him. When I see him it's like an old friend from first grade. I remember him but I don't care to have a conversation. I really love the people I have in my life now.

YouthNAsia63 wrote:

Your dad basically abandoned you when he started “bonding” with your step siblings. You found another family and another father figure, and this was basically rubbed in his face at family therapy, and there was the photo in the newspaper, too.

And now he is shocked, and probably feels hurt. Well, boo hoo for him. Well, now it has been spelled out to him, and he can either step up and pay a little attention, or be left behind. You are an adult now, you can distance yourself as much as you want to. NTA.

PurpleStar1965 wrote:

Good lord. This is heartbreaking. You are definitely NTA. You father has failed you. The one thing I have learned in my life is that family doesn’t have to be blood related. You have a family in your friend and her parents. You will meet others in life that will become family to you. Keep yourself open to those possibilities.

My best friend is my heart sister. Known her for 50 years. Her Mom is my Mother and grandmother to my son. They are my family even though we share no DNA. Keep true to yourself. And I am huge proud of you for speaking the truth to you Dad. Hugs and peace.

fleet_and_flotilla wrote:

"He said he didn't know I played basketball anymore. I asked if that's why he didn't come to swim or softball when he couldn't miss A and B's practices. Or come to speech meets when he went to C's dance recitals. He just stared at me and said he didn't know I still did those either."

Jesus christ. Does he know anything about you? NTA. I wonder if your friends parents might let you stay with them for a little while cause dad sounds like a train wreck. I mean, christ, you had to have been gone at least a week when you went to Mexico. Where did he think you were?

OP responded:

He knew there was a trip but he didn't ask where. My friend's mom and dad said I can stay with them but my father won't let me take anything if I'm with with because he says they're a bad influence. So I'm just waiting till I go to my college dorm to move out.

NoFlight5759 wrote:

NTA. Your friends parents are wonderful people. Be grateful for them. See if your mom in her passing left anything to you. See if your friend’s parents can contact an attorney to see if the house was left partially to you. Because I’m assuming once you’re 18 you’re moving out. I’m sure by participating in sports and clubs you’ll receive scholarships.

Please use them either for college or trade. And don’t speak to your dad or step family after you move out all they’ll want is money. Good luck and don’t go to therapy with them.

OP responded:

Yep I'm moving into my dorm in a couple months. My friend and I are going to the same college so her parents and brother are going to visit us. I'm so excited!

Too_Much_Today wrote:

It sounds like your step siblings dad may have left all the mental load of keeping up with kids activities to his wife/your step mom, & she *conveniently* only updated him on her children. Sounds like in addition to having an extremely neglectful father you also have an evil step mother.

OP responded:

That's possible. She and I don't really interact much. We don't have anything in common to talk about. I know she doesn't mind sports events though because she goes to all her sons. Honestly I'm happy to stay out of each other's way.

Four days later, OP shared a major update.

Update because a lot of people were worried about me not being able to get my things from my bio father's house and going back to therapy. Turns out it's not even necessary. After my last post my step mother (SM) wanted us all to go to the lake house. That's her happy place/safe space/sanctuary she says and it's her answer to everything.

Wants the boys out. She sends my bio father and her sons to the lake house. Time with her daughter. Lake house. Time alone. Lake house by herself. She does photography there & she's right. It does look like a post card.

Two story 'cabin' style. They never took me for the girls trips or boy trips only when everyone went together. My stepsiblings won't call bio father dad anymore. My SM said if he isn't their dad and she isn't my mom why are they even married. Bio F asked if she wanted a divorce & she said she didn't sign up for the drama. They argued and we went hang out by the lake.

We've been getting along great now "against the parents" which I didn't see coming. Any way we went back to therapy yesterday and my step sis brought up are they getting divorced. Bio F said not if they can work it out in therapy. Therapist asked if it could be amicable cause it's obvious they're cold to each other. SM said her kids could see Bio Father but she would just want "her place."

He said that wasn't possible bc it's actually mine bc my mom had it before they were married & it's part of the prenup. SM was LIVID & ugly cried. Mad all the way home. Then asked about the house we live in. BF tried to get her out of the kitchen but she screamed & he admitted that my grandpa gave it to my mom as a wedding gift BEFORE they were married.

Turns out he won't let me move out bc the house is actually mine since I turned 18. She said split the savings bc they had been living 'way below their means'. He told her most the savings/Certificates of Deposits were accounts set up for me by moms parents. She has been crying in her room and says I'm selfish for not letting her have the lake house my great g-pa built & gave to my g-pa who gave it to my mom.

Commenters remained deeply invested.

Mapilean wrote:

So SM turned out to be a gold digger, and your father turned out to be a very poor parent until he hit the papers and he saw what an incredible AH he's been to you. It's great that your step-siblings sided with you. Big hugs honey, my heart breaks for you, but I'm glad those two are divorcing.

And of course you didn't ruin the family therapy: she showed her true colors there, which was really for the best. I'm sorry for her children, actually. Now they see what a c*nt their mother is.

Street-Candle-1258 wrote:

So everything is yours, you should get a lawyer to secure your assets and think about if you should kick them out or charge them rent, plus you're not selfish, I doubt you knew about the houses and other things till the divorce option was brought up.

BlueMountain2022 wrote:

Get a lawyer and have a financial audit done ASAP - has he been supporting the SM & step-kids with your money? Track every expense he's had and how he paid for it. Your previous comments about you paying for the car but he paid for the insurance is most likely incorrect - he probably paid the insurance with your savings!

As others stated, start charging them rent or kick them out. Would stink though, because the step-kids now support you but they are her responsibility.

Wild_Black_Hat wrote:

What in the world....? So she never put a cent towards those and somehow never asked herself in all those years how the assets would be split in the event of a divorce?!

OP responded:

I doubt she ever thought about divorce until last week. Everything kind of exploded. Since they don't have a prenup she probably thought she got half of everything.