Father of four rejects adopting ex’s child; 'I harbor some level disgust.' AITA?
"WIBTA for not adopting my ex’s child?"
Impossible_Werewolf4
This is a bit complex. I am a dad of 4 children 1 girl and triplets. During 2021, my ex and myself split but I remained in the house to help support with the children. After one month of splitting up, she got a new partner and brought him into the house to live with us (I slept on the couch).
During my time there, my ex and her partner were always arguing and splitting up her partner blamed me for all of the issues they had. I also had d3at# threats from her partner as well. Even though I stayed out of the whole situation; I was focusing on the children and housework.
After a few months of living like this, I moved out on my own. Not long after, I had a phone call from child services asking me to collect all of the children from her parents' house as my children have been removed from the house due to the unhealthy relationship with my ex and her partner.
I have had the children with me now for 3 years and have full custody, after a long fight with them over everything. During the period with child services, my ex got pregnant with her new partner.
She ended up losing the child to social services due to neglect and claims of not being consistent. I have had several calls from officials asking if I want to adopt my ex’s child due to the fact that neither she, nor her partner, can care for the child due to a number of issues.
Both sides of my ex and her family can’t have the child eitherm, due to health and other issues. I feel that I truly can’t adopt him. My children and I have already been through so much.
I have explained to child services that, if I take the child on, I would not be able to treat him fairly and, honestly would harbor some level disgust, even though none of this is the child’s fault.
My ex keeps calling me a monster for not adopting her child, even though I have had no involvement in the child’s life. She is saying it’s my children's sibling and he deserves to be with family. I have explained to her that I want no part in raising that child as it is a reminder of what she and her partner put me through.
I have told child services that my children and I don’t want anything to do with that child because we would have both my ex and her partner harassing us all of the time.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Southern_Boat9193
NTA. Your ex sounds like a real train wreck. I'm surprised you were involved with her long enough to reproduce. For her, it was probably a huge mistake to have any children. Even 1 child (for her) was one too many. If she didn't figure out after four children that motherhood just wasn't for her?
Well, you can't cure stupid. So she's gone and dunnit again. Crap. A TRAGEDY. But it has nothing to do with you and your family. Sad to say, but the best of the possibly bad outcomes is for the kid to end up a ward of the state. Why? Because you don't reward bad behavior.
The kid is innocent, and deserves better. Only, what happens if you adopt him? First, he'll never feel quite at home with you. And second, it sends the message to mom that she's free to pop out a few more puppies. No problem, somebody I know will adopt them...
So this one becomes a ward of the state to try to prevent further unwanted children from ALSO becoming wards of the state. And while the kid might be a LITTLE bit better off with you. The sanity of yourself and your biological kids is priceless. Get that toxic ex completely out of your life, including the offspring that you didn't help to create.
National_Pension_110
Agree! NTA. I applaud the OP for two things: First, for recognizing he cannot treat this child fairly and give them the life the deserve, and Second, for not being one of those psycho parents who adopt the affair partner’s child only to abuse the crap out of it to punish the spouse.
While they were technically separated (in some sense of the word) the child could still be seen as an AP child in the mind of the OP. Good for you for being strong enough to express your limitations and spare this poor child.
The child needs to go into protective services and be adopted into a family far away from their bio parents. Otherwise, the OP’s ex and the baby daddy will always be around. Make the break now.
Famous_Specialist_44
This poor child is not your responsibility and you are not well placed to give them a home.
Sometimes you have to say no despite having sympathy. NTA.
SeaworthinessDue8650
Don't do it. You already have 4 kids. Taking on another means having less time with your own. Furthermore, then you'll also be tied to your ex partner's partner for the rest of your life. You've Been through enough. Don't this to yourself or more importantly your kids.
lincra
NTA, you should never take on a child if you are not ready for the full responsibility of loving and caring for them. It would not be fair on the child or your other children. And what if your ex had another baby she can't take care of? Would you be expected to take them in too?
Chewbecky12
NTA, you have your hands full with your own children as a single Dad and it is unreasonable to expect you to take on another child that is not your own, and continue to be connected to the train wreck that is your ex and her boyfriend.
Kids are a lifetime commitment, so you would be signing up to deal with the abusive boyfriend and his family as well for the kids lifetime. Focus on your family and healing and getting family therapy to move on from this. Your kids need you now more than ever so be the best Dad you can be for them.