'AITA for going no-contact with my mom if she mentors my former bully?' UPDATED
"AITA for going no-contact with my mom if she mentors my former bully?"
So my [16m] mom [40s] is a teacher at my school. Our school has a special elective you can take which is being a teacher's aide during your elective period. It's mostly stuff like grading papers for them, making copies, mentoring, etc...It's pretty much always just the teacher's favorite student at the time. I found out at the beginning of the semester that my mom chose "Dave" [17m] to be her TA.
Dave has made my life a living nightmare since middle school. He has bullied me mercilessly both physically and emotionally since 6th grade. I don't want to get into everything he's done to me, but everyone is fully aware of it, including the school and my parents.
There have been countless meetings with school administration and suspensions on his end but it never stopped him. Since we've been in high school I haven't had to see him as much, which is a relief, but the times that I do are always terrible.
When I found out that he was her new TA, I was obviously very hurt and confused. I asked her why would she want to spend extra time with someone who made my life so terrible?
She said that she had him in one of her classes and that he really isn't such a bad kid, but he has a really terrible home life that she can't tell me about that makes him act out. For the record, my mom has always had a soft spot for kids who come from bad homes.
I reminded her of all the things he had done to me and she said that she understands but he really needs help right now. I told her I get that, but why does it have to be you? We have a huge school full of teachers and staff who can mentor him. Why does it have to be you? She told me to stop being selfish and some kids have it harder than I can imagine and she's just trying to help.
I was honest with her and told her that if she continued to have him as her aide, she was dead to me. She was choosing him over me and she would not longer be my mother. I would no longer talk to her and the minute I turned 18, I was moving out and she would never hear from me again.
She rolled her eyes and said I was being dramatic but after a couple of days of ignoring her, I was grounded. It didn't change my mind and my dad then tried to force me to talk to her.
I still refused so they pretty much took everything away from me one by one for the past few weeks. I no longer have my car, computer, guitar, and most recently my art supplies and I have to come home from school and go straight to my room and am not allowed out except dinner until I start talking to her again.
They don't realize that this is just strengthening my resolve. I'm going to sit in this empty room every day silently until I'm 18 and they'll never see me again. My mom keeps coming in crying and begging me to talk to her which makes me feel kind of bad but she still won't remove Dave as her aide. Am I taking this too far? I just feel so betrayed.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Shinzodune said:
NTA. If my mother would have done that to me or one of my brothers we would have treated her like a traitor. She puts her savior-complex or whatever this is over your mental health. She is in addition to that disloyal to your family (YOU). Just ignore her and organize your life.
Do good in school and leave her behind when you are old enough and independent. I can not even compute how people do this to their own blood. But here we are. I wish you the best.
Prickly_Peaches said:
NTA. I’m sure Dave has a rough life, but it doesn’t excuse his cruelty towards you. I would be extremely hurt if my mom sided with my bully. Your mom should ask one of her colleagues to take him on as an aid and then tell Dave that, given his prior history with you, it is no longer appropriate for him to be her aid.
Popular_Error3691 said:
Nta. The damage is done, hope your mother realizes she f'd it up.
Future_Reporter1368 said:
As a teacher I am horrified by your mom and dad’s behavior. I don’t understand how she can put another child above her own son. This is absolutely heartbreaking. I am sorry you are going through this.
Vegetable_Tea_7780 said:
NTA. This is just another way to bully you. And your own mother is not only dismissing it, but enabling it. I'm so sorry.
ConvivialKat said:
NTA. I am so very sorry that your mother and father have made such a poor decision. I am an old lady, and my heart breaks for you, sweetie. I urge you to stop being passive and take some actions of your own. Your parents view you as a child whose resolve will fail. They aren't seeing the damage they are permanently causing you and their relationship with you.
My advice is to speak with a guidance counselor at your school. Lay everything out for them (especially the punishments you are receiving at home) and ask them to intervene with school administration on your behalf. Remind them that there are school records of his bullying actions.
Tell them the name of the teacher who approached you and ask that they be excluded from any information. Always keep in mind that school counselors are mandatory reporters, so CPS may become involved. At 16, that is the least of your worries.
You seem very resolved, and I do not think think you are wrong. Your parents are being fools. That they would lose their own child for the sake of mentoring their child's bully? No matter his home situation, this makes no sense at all to me. I wish you the best and look forward to an update.
UPDATE:
A lot has actually happened since last week and while nothing is really fixed, I think things are going in the right direction. On Friday I got called out of class to the guidance counselor. When I got there, my mom and the assistant principal were there as well.
The counselor asked me to sit down and said that me changing tracks from college to trade like I mentioned in my last post, was a big decision and she wanted to sit down with my mom and me to figure out if this really was the best for my future.
She first asked me if I would fully explain why I wanted to switch. I explained the whole situation from my perspective and about how I was being punished. I said that if this is how I was going to be treated from now on, I wanted to become independent as soon as possible and going to college would have me relying on my parents for longer than I would like.
She then asked my mom if she had anything she would like to add. My mom tried to downplay the who situation at first and make it look like I was just being stubborn and disrespectful, but as the counselor asked her more questions, it became pretty clear that my side was truth.
After this the AP stepped in and said that a teacher's aide was not worth all of this turmoil and that Dave would be switched with another teacher. The counselor then asked me if this would help me to start working things out with my mom. I said not really because it wasn't even her choice and she hasn't even admitted she's done anything wrong.
She then asked my mom if she was willing to apologize for anything that had happened. My mom gave a half-hearted apology where she said things had gone overboard and she never meant to hurt me so much. The counselor asked if I would like to apologize for anything as well and I said not really but nobody pressed me on it.
The counselor then said about my transfer, it was too late for this semester. What she suggested is that my mom and I and possibly my dad should go to a family counselor for the rest of the semester. I would stay in my current classes, my parents would give me all my stuff back, and we could see if we can come to some kind of peace before next semester.
She then asked my mom that if after that, I still had not changed my mind, would she accept the class changes. My mom said no at first because she wanted me to go to college, but I told her that she had already failed me as a mother once, please don't do it again. She got really quiet and said she would agree to it if that was what I really wanted.
When I got home all my stuff was returned to me. I also started talking to my mom again. I just kind of felt like there wasn't a point to ignoring her anymore. I don't treat her like a mother or anything anymore, but I'll answer her if she asks me a question. It just feels like that now that I have a plan, a lot of my anger is gone and I just see her as a person who happens to live in my house.
We haven't scheduled our first counseling session yet but I don't see it changing much anyway. The damage is done so I don't see myself changing my mind. That's pretty much it. I probably won't update again unless something crazy happens or something. Thank you to everyone who gave me good advice.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Iwishyouwell2024 said:
Wow! That is a kicka#s counselor! I am impressed! Like... "sh#t, I have to be the adult here, really? So, mom, you are wrong. You were suposed to be a professional and you had to disapoint your own kid? Gross. You are off. Hey kid with potential, have your stuff back and please be a better person than your mom. Like me. Lol!"
OP, thanks for the update. I wished your mom was smarter. Your school counselor is awesome. Freaking by far, the best I ever heard of. And you should stick with your plans. I don't think there will be a counseler in college to put your parents in their places.
I have read to many reddits of parents threatening to not pay their kids college. If you cut their wings sooner, perhaps you won't have to endure thanksgiving, Xmas and birthdays being traped with their plans. See ya.
emjkr said:
I’m so sorry your mother isn’t capable of seeing how she’s hurting you. But at least it’s a change for the better.
corax4476 said:
It's pretty sad when the AP can see this isn't worth the hassle but you mom couldn't. Sorry you're in this situation but do think over what you do want from your future now as college might offer the best long term prospects. Though I have seen plenty of people do really well if not better in a trade.
Just think what's best for you. Sadly I don't think your mom will every understand what she has done by putting this guy before you. Shame. Anyway I reckon just put this to the back of your mind now and focus on you going forward. Good luck.
Material_Cellist4133 said:
I still don’t understand how a mother does not choose their own child. I would basically keep your mother at a distance until you get out of there and then go no contact. And I would include no contact with your dad too because he didn’t have your back either. I hope the very best for you. You deserve so much more and parents who put their child first. I’m so sorry your parents have failed you.
Horror-Friendship-30 said:
As a mother, I apologize for all the pain you are experiencing. I am glad that you made some progress, but your bio mother has to take responsibility for her actions. Any parent worth their salt would tell you that someone else's child should never come before yours, maybe with the exception of a life-threatening emergency.
Your mother let her ego and her belief that you - you being the reasonable one - would let it go. But being reasonable means that you see the situation for what it is. Stick to your points. You are right in this situation.
mochaluvr1 said:
I'm happy to read this update. Standing ovation for your guidance counselor! They obviously the red flags in your wanting to change your track and did some real leg work behind the scenes to figure out what was going on. There's no other reason for your VP to have been involved in that meeting than your counselor figuring out your mother was on some BS. This is someone you can trust OP.