'AITA for making my 16-yr-old daughter go to the grocery store to buy her own food?' UPDATED

"AITA for making my 16-year-old daughter go to the grocery store to buy her own food?"

For the past year or so, my (41M) daughter (16F) decided to go from eating meat most of the week for what we cook for meals, to a few times a week, to being vegetarian and sometimes vegan (she’s integrating it slowly). And my wife and I support her in this decision. She’s passionate about animals and healthy foods, but she never tries to push her beliefs on us or our younger kids.

For the past 3 or so months, she puts on the grocery list different things that she wants to try. Vegetarian plant based meat (I think it’s soy based, so vegan?), certain foods I’ve never bought before such as egg noodles and fake egg (it comes in a bottle?) and vegan butter. Just different things I’ve never thought twice about before.

But sometimes I buy the wrong thing. She’ll put on the list “egg noodles” and I go and buy what says on a package “egg noodles” and I bring them home and they’re the wrong kind. And she’s never rude about it, but she’s started to get annoyed with things I get when they’re not exactly what she’s looking for.

I’ve tried calling her to see what type of thing she’s looking for while I’m at the store, but she’ll just say “egg noodles, the thin ones” and I’m looking at like 10 different brands. I name them off and she’ll say “any.” So I get them, bring them home, and it’s wrong.

So I talked to my wife and we got her a credit card in our daughter’s name, but it’s linked to our account. She’s extremely trustworthy and responsible child, so we feel it’s perfect for her. She can buy what she needs, and she doesn’t have to pay for it, we will, but she goes and gets it. It eliminates any confusion on what to buy.

We gave her the card and explained the rules last week and said she’s more than welcome to put things on the grocery list, or she can go buy what she needs (within reason and she’ll eat what she buys). A few days ago, she added the fake egg replacer to the list. So I went out and I bought it. Brought it home and she was upset it wasn’t the one she wanted. (She’s into trying different ones).

I explained to her that I’m not a mind reader and that she either needs to write down exactly what she wants, brand, name, size, and I’ll get it. Otherwise, she can drive down to the store 5 minutes away and go and buy what she needs on our card. She got upset saying that it’s not fair that she has to go out and buy it when I’m the one who usually does the shopping.

She doesn’t want to have to go out and go to the store to shop. I offered to go with her, but she said no, she doesn’t want to go. Then I told her that if she wasn’t going be clear with what she puts on the list, then I’m just not buying anything and she can do her own shopping. But I also feel like I’m the AH for pushing her to go shopping even though she’s only 16. AITA for telling her she can just go herself?

Edit: I just want to be clear so there’s no confusion: I told her she had to do her own shopping since she wasn’t taking any of the other options I gave her. So if she wants something, and she doesn’t want to be precise with what I’m supposed to be buying, she’s going to have to go to the store to get it.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Mera1506 said:

NTA. She doesn't want to buy it herself, but also doesn't want to write the brand name and size down so you can get the right one and then gets upset when it's not the brand she wants wtf? You're not asking her to pay out of pocket. Yup she should be buying them herself since she's making it impossible for you to get the right ones.

usernaym44 said:

I agree. And she's not too young. She's old enough to eat different food from the rest of her family, so she's old enough to learn how to shop for herself. If she goes vegan, this will be the next ten to fifteen years of her life (basically until she's old enough to live alone or to cut all non-vegans out of her daily life) so she needs to learn now. NTA.

WeirdYarn said:

NTA - you are honestly even nicer than I would have been. My rule: You give me a list to buy things, I get to decide what brand we are getting. Don't like it? Go to the shop yourself or go with me.

cillianellis said:

NTA. From reading your comments, it seems like your daughter's not willing to do ANYTHING in this situation. She "doesn't want to" go to the store with you. She won't go on her own with the credit card you gave her because she "doesn't want to".

She also won't give you a detailed enough list so that you can purchase these things for her which you're willing to do, apparently expecting instead that you will read her mind. I'm... honestly not sure what she wants to happen in this situation but she is going to have to take a little bit of responsibility here? You've been extremely accommodating and seem like you're very supportive of her dietary choices.

btchenb said:

NTA. Online shopping exists now. She can even do that and you can pick it up while you shop for your own groceries. You have been more than reasonable and your kid is being unreasonable and ungrateful.

You hear of stories of parents not even listening to their children, or have the mentality of "You're eating what I put on the table and you better shut up about it." You are not that parent. Boundaries need to be drawn & you have been accommodating. I probably wouldn't be.

castlerigger said:

NTA it’s a perfect time to be exploring the world of taking care of your own needs in a way with such good support from her parents. You have given her nothing but help and she seems unwilling to do anything on her own accord - presumably she is cooking the stuff she wants that’s different from the rest of the family or you’re doing that for her too?

I really can’t understand why she couldn’t go to the store with you even whilst you do the usual shopping trip, take a separate cart, get what she likes...

Really this is an ideal time for gaining a bit more ability to love independently before going of to university etc or moving out, she ought to take the opportunity.

OP responded:

I don’t get her reasoning why she won’t go either, partially because she just doesn’t say why she won’t. She does cook her own food, but she cooks it while my wife and/or I are cooking dinner for the rest of the family so we can help her if she needs it.

She does love to cook, and we feel like at her age, it’s the perfect time to encourage it so that she knows how to when she goes off to college/moves out. And her food usually comes out really good, so she has the knack for it!

WelshOkie said:

NTA. She’s 16, not 6. This will be a good experience for her. she’ll have to do it herself some day, why not start now?

DD579 said:

NTA. You’ve been very generous in getting her a card to let her put her expenses on it. I’d take it a ste further. Let her do the grocery shopping for a couple weeks. Put her in your shoes trying to figure out what you want!

sohumar said:

i think you gave your daughter more resources than necessary. you've tried to get the right product but it wasn't what she wanted and you went and made a credit card for her to use. i'd maybe suggest just going to the store WITH your daughter. why doesn't she go with you? overall, nta

OP responded:

I’ve given her the opportunity to go with me or me go with her, but she still said no. She doesn’t give a reason why, just that she doesn’t want to go. My wife and I felt the credit card was a good idea even outside of just regular grocery shopping when she needs it. We also felt it would be a good idea in case of emergencies if she were ever in a situation that she needed it.

He later shared this update:

My wife and I just talked to her. Well, my wife talked to her, I was kicked out because it was “girl time”. After their talk, my wife told me that our daughter feels really uncomfortable going to the store (just the grocery store, she does other shopping just fine and contributes to the household) because a few of her classmates she doesn’t get along with work there.

They used to all be in a friend group up until middle school and then high school started and she was excluded from the group. She didn’t outright say it to my wife, but we think they may have been on some level bullying or harassing her. We’re going to discuss it more later when she feels more comfortable and open to talking.

My wife asked why not go to the other one in town (different grocery store), and she said their selection of vegetarian/vegan foods is really low. Other than fruits and vegetables, they don’t have a huge selection of anything she could/wants to eat. And from what I remember having been there a few times before, the store isn’t really geared towards her diet.

So we’re going to talk through what could help this situation. I do want her to come out shopping and learn how to grocery shop on a budget and the little life hacks of grocery shopping so she’s ready for the real world. I think maybe having me or her mom to go with may help her with having to see her classmates so she at least isn’t alone and now that we know what’s going on.

I want her to get the skills and the real world experience without her feeling overwhelmed. But at least now we know why she’s being so out of character about this! I appreciate all the advice, thank you guys!