'Six years, no ring and he's more concerned about other people's lives than ours.' UPDATED

"Six years, no ring and he's more concerned about other people's lives than ours."

Six years on July 20th, my bf (24M) and I (23F) will be celebrating our dating anniversary. I love him so much-he's my best friend in the entire world and we've really grown together since we started dating at 18. As excited as I am to celebrate 6 years with him I can't help but also dread it-because its another year of him not proposing.

We've had a lot of people ask "Oh my God-almost 6 years-why aren't you guys engaged yet?" and also some people say "you guys are so young just enjoy your lives" and honestly within the relationship we are both split.

He went from asking me to marry him everyday when we where 18 to saying we need to be more stable once we both entered the corporate work force. We've discussed marriage, kids and all of that and have agreed those are things we both want. Of course, I understand him and it is the responsible thing to do to have out finances and such be more stable.

However, it seems he's starting to prioritize other things over marriage-like he's expressed his aspiration to move into the city, then another day wanting a new car, and then the next wanting to travel together and all these new aspirations and wants are starting to hurt my head because it seems like he doesn't know what he wants.

We've had so many discussions about our future and what we want to create together and what we wish for ourselves but he always seems so sure about what he wants for himself and not for "us."

His older sister got engaged last year and of course, we where both so happy and excited for her! However, I later found myself getting angry and upset-not towards her but my BF. He seemed so excited for her and her fiance and their future and started talking about our future as if it was a distant future.

Like when people would tease us saying "Oh you guys are next" he'd just chuckle and stay quiet or say "Oh we've got a long way!" What was worse was that he'd ask me for my opinion about his sisters wedding, almost rubbing it in my face asking me if I'd have a destination wedding, plan the same way as her, etc. meanwhile he's saying these contradicting things...

In addition to this, I brought up to him recently that I'd like to be engaged soon and he said he would not propose unless we live together for at least a year. I expressed to him that I personally would not want to live together unless we are engaged but he said that this is his one "non-negotiable". I asked if he was willing to compromise, ie; us to be engaged and start looking for a place after but he said no.

Just simply no. I asked if there was any other way or if he had any ideas of how we could compromise and he just...shrugged. I am in no rush to be married or engaged-but I wanted to ask him his thoughts to further understand where he is at and where he thinks we are progressing.

What is concerning to me however is that I asked him "okay so If i don't live with you for another three years-then you wont propose" and he said yes...again no compromise further insinuating that he would make me wait until HE gets HIS way...

This made me really angry, now I'm at this stage of denial but also acceptance realizing that he wont do it unless I give him what he wants and I truly don't know what to do.

I couldn't even continue the conversation with him because how could I after he just shut me down? He seems to be so excited for our friends and family around us getting engaged and having kids-but doesn't seems to be excited for us to do those things. I want to get engaged and married because I love him and want to start our future together-not because I'm trying to relate to people around me.

However, I find that he always compares our relationship to other peoples ie; "my sister and her boyfriend travelled all over Europe why can't we?" "woah my friend and his gf just got a place together-we should do that". He's expressing what he wants passively and when I actually try to talk to him about it he seems closed off.

I grew up in a fairly traditional household and while I don't carry all of the values my parents raised me with-one of the few is waiting to be engaged/engaged to be married to move in together and he's known this for some time even before we started actively having these conversations.

Recently he's started doing this thing thats actually made me CRAZY!! He'll hold my hand and start measuring my ring finger as if "cutely" trying to gage my ring size-and honestly it feels like a punch in the gut.

Like who does that after saying they don't plan to propose anytime soon?!?! At this point I truly don't know what to do anymore and feel lost and almost nervous for our 6 year celebration coming up. I don't know how to change his mind because the last thing I want to do is beg him to propose. I feel stuck.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: I'm seeing a lot of comments about our ages and again like I said above - I understand we are young and have been together since I was 17 and he was 18. I understand and hear that advice.

However, I am not asking for marriage and babies next year-I'm simply asking for further commitment and engagement. Personally, I think if you've been with someone for 6 years you should know by now...also a lot of you are saying I'm not willing to compromise.

I've been hearing him out for years. The issue is I have compromised so much for HIM and he has yet to do that for me. For two years and the beginning of our relationship he had no job, I paid for almost everything. I've also for the last few years have planned our dates, our trips etc. I literally remind him when he has a doctors appointment...

Fast forward now-being more financial stable we've planned for trips and have travelled together but when i ask him for some time to save he keeps on insisting he wants to go somewhere and money can always be made later. When I try to understand him and see his perspective regarding living together I expect that he do the same for me but he doesn't.

I always put in effort and might I add for the last two years he hasn't bothered to do something special or plan something nice for my birthday despite "having all this money" to get a new car and go on all these trips-he's changed a lot from the start in our relationship, especially when it comes to effort.

He's a good guy, we've had so many great memories together but I feel sometimes that I just mourn what we used to have. He's masking being responsible with what is convenient for him. Its about him and not about what I want because if it was about what I want he would understand my wants to save money for the future, to communicate more, etc.

Marriage is not about having the big wedding or party. I told him he could literally propose with a ring pop and I would say yes. He's a great guy-but he's also disappointed me so much and don't think I can handle more disappointment.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Nottabirdnottaplane wrote:

Why would you think it makes sense to get married at 23?

“Six years and no ring,” is not appropriate to start freaking out about when the six years began when you were a teenager. Chill out and live your life.

I’m not speaking about whether or not you marry this guy, I’m talking about generally. Marriage is not the high watermark for relationships, and a wedding is not an adult bar mitzvah.

OP responded:

We'll I'm not asking to get married at 23. I'm simply asking for reassurance and commitment with engagement. I think it's probably stemming from the feeling of being taken for granted at times...

domolomo wrote:

First of all, he is 10000% correct in saying you need to live together before engagement.. especially with how young you are.

Secondly, he is saying all these things like “I want to move to the city” and “I want to travel” because he’s now realizing that the world and life in general is a lot bigger than just you and your relationship, you guys got together in high school and then likely went to college together (assuming).

Now you’ve both just entered “the real world” and he’s realizing how young you both are and how much life has to offer, the last thing he wants is to continue to be tied down doing the same thing y’all have been doing for 6 years.

OP responded:

The issue here is that he doesn’t actually ask me what I want. He always just assumes I'll follow him.

He was on this whole rave about going to Colombia for a 1-month vacation and when I told him I couldn't because of work-he said "So-just tell them you'll work remotely" and when I told him again I can't do that due to my managerial position at the office he said "that’s stupid....we should find a way to still do it".

[deleted] wrote:

I mean y'all are young 20s and haven't lived together. Why would you want to get married to someone you haven't ever lived with? 6 YEARS together and don't live together. There's a lot more you need to accomplish. Do y'all still live at home with your parents? Where are y'all career wise?

You say you save but he likes to spend. Honestly if y'all aren't sharing bills, you can't tell him what to do with his money. Based on how you describe him, he isn't interested in "settling down". He wants to have fun and enjoy the here and now. Y'all are young! Vacations, car,. Thinking about relocating. Figuring himself out. He also seems to be young minded when it comes to some basic adulting.

You want serious. Marriage, babies, etc.. Y'all are not in the same place. Y'all need to understand that part and find partners that align with what you want. Y'all were babies when you started to date. People change. Especially that age range from 18-25. I agree with his stance on not proposing/marrying someone who you haven't lived with.

That is a different test of a relationship. That shows how aligned and compatible a couple really is. You want to know that BEFORE HAND. And being this is your first and only boyfriend since being an adult, you've never experienced living with a partner. You will be surprised how the "cutesie" things they do can end up driving you bananas.

OP responded:

I come from a fairly traditional upbringing and while I myself am not traditional one of the values I've carried with me from my family is wanting to be engaged before living with my partner. We've both been working corporate jobs for two years and are making good wages and money in comparison to most people in our age range.

My hesitance in not wanting to live together also comes from a place of wanting to see him mature more. He still lives at home with his mom and I can see how he still depends on her for certain things/lets her still baby him at his big age of 24. She still does his laundry for crying out loud.

No_wedding2159 wrote:

I think the real question is why do you want him? And, why can’t you be open, honest, transparent and ask him what his plans are? This is on you.

OP responded:

I ask him all the time-he seems to have a wall up or is vague-its quite a difference from when we use to talk about things before.

Two months later, OP shared an update.

Hi everyone, gosh it's truly been some time. I honestly kind of forgot I had posted this because a lot has happened in the last month or so... (if you haven't read the original post you can search the title in the group)

If you haven't guessed already.

I broke up with him.

I let our anniversary pass, tried to move on from my anger and frustrations and while our anniversary was great I realized he simply just did not and could not understand me and I simply couldn't let it go.

About a week after our anniversary we were downtown working and on a whim he asked if we could grab dinner after work. I said yes and what was supposed to be a casual dinner and go home type of day-turned into a dinner and exploring all the neighborhoods he wanted to live in down town.

I felt like I was ambushed into viewing neighborhoods and places I didn't even want to live in/we never discussed openly and it made me feel almost sick as it felt like he was just rubbing salt onto my wound passively dangling the key to my future ring. If you remember from my previous post about how he used to size my ring finger-yeah made me sick to my stomach just like that.

At the end of the night before heading home I asked if we could talk in his car when he was dropping me off. I brought up how I was still not happy about the relationship feeling one sided and that while I put in all the effort he put in the bare minimum and still forced/whined about what HE wanted in the relationship and never considered what I wanted.

He actually got frustrated and said "It makes no sense-living together is more of a commitment because we are obligated to stay together due to paperwork-you can break off an engagement if you wanted to! we've had this conversation 4-5 times and you still don't understand me!" he then went on about how it would be an opportunity to "test" things out.

This statement was very much a slap to the face because I realized there that the same guy who used to vocalize wanting to get married everyday-did not truly think nor understand the importance of marriage and unity like I though he did.

And what hurt most was that after 6 years of being together and me for the last 2 year really vocalizing excitement and a future with him-he never once actually listened to me when I talked about how important and exciting engagement and marriage is to me.

I then brought up how his words where hurtful saying 'Its a good way to test it out and see how things go" I asked him "what exactly are you testing out after 6 years? Test and see if you still like me and want to be together? for you to even say you'd have to test things out with us and not know what you want to do now, that's your answer. you're not committed to this-not committed to me."

So I followed it up with "If you aren't sure you want to marry me now, you wont be sure tomorrow, next month, next year or in the next five years and I cannot simply wait for you to wake up and see me as "worthy" of a ring" and so I got up out of the car and told him it was over. It's been more than a month now and I think I did the right thing.

Of course a part of me still misses and grieves him but that last interaction told me exactly what I needed to hear.

Yes, he's tried to keep in touch and wants to talk things out but at this point in time I can't even look at him. To anyone out there having these same feelings or maybe going through this same issue. Do what you think is best for not only you but your future self, your future kids, etc. Thank you to everyone who offered their sweet and supportive words. Good luck to you all!

The comments kept coming.

Cleod1807 wrote:

"Test things out “… I don’t know how you didn’t burst out laughing in his face after 6 years together. You absolutely did the right thing.

MoneyQueenie333 wrote:

Don’t be a place holder! He’s just not that into you! From meet to engagement to marriage 3-5 years! Of course there is some exceptions but for a woman who wants to be married before having kids it’s time to cut and move on! (You don’t want someone to marry you based on an ultimatum;) Bravo

10sor wrote:

You did the right thing. You can’t control someone and force them to choose you, you can only choose yourself.

Personal_Berry_6242 wrote:

6 years, ftw. Test is over, buddy. Yea, you did the right thing. You'll find your happy ending, even more so now that you dropped the dead weight!