'A friend of mine asked me to babysit her daughter for a weekend away. It's been months.' UPDATED 6X

"A friend of mine asked me to babysit her daughter for a weekend while she dipped away to Atlanta to a weekend. That was almost 2 months ago."

So my friend had a little girl named Mariana. She doesn’t know who the father is, and whatever. High key she’s always been kind of a bad mom - neglectful and short tempered. But I always thought she loved Mariana. I babysat for Mariana a bit here and there but I wasn’t the only sitter. I came to really like this kid. She’s now 4.

Ever since January my friend was bragging about her new boyfriend in Atlanta. Late April she messaged me and said “hey, my sitter bailed, can you watch Mary (our nickname for Mariana) from Friday to Monday (April 27-30)? I’m going to Atlanta to meet my boyfriend and I can’t bring her.” I agreed to babysit. She told the school and everything.

So Friday morning she dropped off a bunch of clothes and a stuffy at my apartment. In hindsight she left way more clothes than was normal, but I didn’t think anything of it. Then she left to catch her plane. I went and picked up Mariana from school, and took her home (for the record I don’t work, I receive compensation and disability from a work injury that left me with a bad knee).

I took her to the park across the street from my building and played with her until dinner time, we cooked dinner together, we cleaned up, watched a movie, and then I read her stories (on my phone, the mother didn’t have books and never read to her). I got her changed and put her to bed on the couch, and I went to sleep.

We had a good weekend, we went to the library Saturday for half the day and played at the park, and Sunday was kind of a lazy cuddle day - we did some crafts, put on a movie, and napped all day. Monday after school the mom was supposed to have come to gotten Mariana by 5. She didn’t show. I spammed her phone with calls and texts and got no answer.

I didn’t know what to do so I just kept doing what I was doing. Tuesday, there was still no contact. Mariana was starting to get upset and asked where mommy was. Wednesday I went to my friend’s house but no one home. I contacted all of our mutual friends but still nothing.

Wednesday night was hard. Mariana had a really bad tantrum, crying and screaming for her mommy. It was so bad she didn’t sleep and I had to tell her school she wouldn’t be in. The school, for the record, wasn’t asking questions yet. Finally I got her to calm down. I told her her mommy got a lil lost on her trip but until she came home I’d take care of her.

She started to have nightmares about being abandoned and became anxious and clingy. After a week of being woken up by her screaming through the night, I let her sleep with me, which helped tremendously. So that lasted 5 days until I bought her a little futon and put it beside my bed, so if she wakes up she can see that I’m still right beside her.

When she was delivered to me in April, her clothes smelled iffy, her shoes had holes in the soles and were too small, and I found out she needs glasses. I bought her a whole new wardrobe, new shoes, I taught her how to cook and bake and we’re learning guitar for kids. She’s healthier, she looks better (before she looked tired all the time and seemed to just be...not well nourished).

She hadn’t touched any soda since she’s been in my care and she eats regular healthy meals. But we ran into an issue. I took her to get glasses, and the eye doctor said I couldn’t sign for her or make appointments for her since I wasn’t her legal guardian. The school began asking “where is your friend?” And I have no idea.

I told my mom that I would be going to the authorities and asking them what to do, but what she told me made me stop...now it’s been two weeks and I know I can’t just keep her but...my mom told me if I went to the cops I wouldn’t be able to keep her. They’d take her away and try to find the mom or give her to another relative of hers - Mariana would likely go to my friend’s mom who used to hurt her.

When I was getting ready to go with Mariana to the station I burst into tears and I hugged her and I told her I loved her and she said “I wuv you too daddy” without any prompting or that word ever being said around her. I don’t want to lose her...out of everyone in her life I’m the only one who wanted her. I love her. I want her.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

MadSeaPhoenix wrote:

You need to get CPS involved no matter what. You’ll need to make it VERY clear that you’re willing and able to look after her. You might even want to petition for emergency guardianship. If her biological family is unfit, you should note that as well.

But you’re right, you can’t just keep her without any agencies being involved. I’m honestly pretty surprised her school hasn’t called CPS yet since they are mandated reporters. Do all you can to show you can care for her. If you are male however, it’ll look best if she’s sleeping in another room from you. She will likely need support if her mom has full on abandoned her.

Also, has no one heard a peep from mom? She ran off to meet a random guy from the internet and then promptly disappeared. That’s scary, too. I hope things work out for the best, but please get CPS involved. She will probably need a GAL appointed. The police also need to be notified in case this is a missing person situation. Best of luck.

OP responded:

You’re right. I went by the house again yesterday and still nothing. A friend of mine said she probably abandoned Mariana. It looks that way because her car was sold (supposedly) and her neighbours said she never came back.

Someone else checked in with her mom and best friends and there’s rumours that she moved in with her new guy and changed her name but I don’t know and I don’t want to fuel hearsay. What I will say is that... there’s a reason no one is worried about her and everyone assumed she abandoned Mariana.

This isn’t the first time she ran away with some guy. The school hasn’t called because apparently they were told she might be away for the rest of the school year, so technically this makes sense.

I live in a one bedroom apartment so its tough, I don’t want to start making her sleep on a couch again, and the apartment is small. So if I get custody I’ll try to move us into a 2 bedroom. It’s possible for me to apply for emergency custody? How do I do that?

MadSeaPhoenix responded:

You can likely download a petition from your local family court. Fill it out, get the school to provide what they know (that she left her with you, you’ve brought her to school dressed appropriately, on time, well fed, etc).

Get any supporting information from mutual friends that give evidence she probably abandoned her. There will likely be a filing fee, but if you’re on limited income, they can often waive it.

Glasses are one thing, but what if she falls and breaks her arm, or gets REALLY sick? You’ll need to be able to take her to the doctor. I’m a social worker. If I can help, please let me know and I’ll do what I can. I’m about to head out for the evening, but can be back on here tomorrow.

OP responded:

Her grandmother and uncle both know I have her and don’t care, they won’t tell me where my friend is either and are not interested in taking Mariana. Will they still be first in line for custody over me or can I point out that they didn’t want her?

Not long after her first post, OP shared a series of updates.

Edit: Just to clarify, Mariana’s grandmother and uncle both know I have her. They seem to know where the mother is but they won’t say anything. They don’t care that I’m taking care of her and they have never requested or demanded her. They don’t want her. What do I do? Can I be allowed to adopt her based on the grounds that I’ve been looking after her this long? Or will they take her away?

Edit 2: I’ve decided that I have to do the right thing. I’m going to call the grandmother Monday morning and tell her I want custody. And then no matter what, I’ll call CPS, and apply for emergency custody. I’m not ready to say goodbye. I’m on the brink of a panic attack just thinking of it, I feel sick and I’m sweating.

But...we have laws for a reason, and if I circumvent them to protect Mariana other people can do it to hurt kids. I’m going to wait until Monday. Tomorrow I’m going to give Mariana the best night of her life. Anything she wants to do or wants to have is hers. Wish me luck.

Edit 3: I sought out help from a legal advice forum but I don’t think they understand what I’m trying to figure out since almost all of their comments are about race. But yeah, I will reach out to CPS and explain that I have spent months trying to get in touch with Mariana’s legal guardian, that I have been her surrogate parent since April, and that Mariana had benefited from my care.

I’ll try to explain that I would like to be granted temporary custody until this is figured out since separating us could be traumatizing for Mariana. Thank you all for your advice and kind comments.

Edit 4:

since it seemed to upset a lot of people I deleted some information about how no one knows Mariana’s cultural identity. It’s not really relevant anyways as my concerns that culture could influence CPS’s decisions is apparently unfounded.

I’m happy that CPS doesn’t see colour or culture but I hope that in doing so, they don’t mistakenly put children in the homes of people who are disrespectful towards their heritage.

Edit 5:

I just got off the phone with Mariana’s grandmother. It didn’t go well. She was quite offended when I said I had already called CPS, and she was even more offended that I want to adopt Mariana.

She insinuated that I am trying to hurt the mother because I’m jealous that she won’t sleep with me. While Mariana’s mother is a pretty woman, our personalities are at conflict and despite my crippling loneliness I am not interested in engaging in those activities with her.

The exchange became heated as she focused on my weight and lack of s**ual prowess and I focused on Mariana’s wellbeing and my desire to give her a good home. I’ll make a new update post once everything has settled down. CPS should have someone here by 4:30.

The comments kept coming.

judentude wrote:

You sound like this little girl's saviour and guardian angel all rolled into one. I hope the mother gets back to you and grants you guardianship. You are most probably the best thing that's ever happened to Mariana and I hope everything goes your way. Good luck for the future for both of you. You are an incredible human being. And on behalf of Mariana thank you for doing what you are doing.

OP responded:

Thanks so much for that. I may have to say goodbye to her but I’ll always remember and love her and set a place for her at my table.

[deleted] wrote:

The same thing happened to me when I was a kid, I was dropped off to be babysat for the weekend and now, 16 years later I still have not really seen or heard from my biological parents. It can be tough and I know from my new parents just how hard it can be with a new found responsibility thrust upon you.

I will tell you what I know they did (it happened when I was six in WA, and I can ask them for more details if you like.) Talk to CPS, they will help and try to determine any mistreatment the child may have endured in her previous situation they can also help from there depending what you decide to do. I was decided to be a ward of the state and my new found parents were declared my legal guardians.

Second if it comes down to it and they see your friend as unfit to be a parent you can think about filing a retraining order to prevent her from coming back and trying to take back her child. This is all I can think about right now, feel free to ask me more about my experience, and I can ask my parents more steps they went through if you want more information.

Ten weeks later, OP shared another update.

A lot has happened since my last update.

Amy - Mariana’s mom

Brenda - Amy’s mom

Caleb - Amy’s brother

Dan - Amy’s new boyfriend

Ella - Amy’s former best friend

Firstly, I filed a complaint with CAS citing how I was treated and the fact that the agent did not follow proper procedure.

CAS agreed that things were handled poorly but maintained that I had no rights pertaining to Mariana. The lady I talked to was very understanding, she said that they did in fact read the journal I made them and the CAS lady complimented me and stated outright that if I was a relative, even a distant one, she would be in my care no problem.

Authorities investigated Mariana’s mother Amy’s disappearance. They found her. She was pregnant and living with Dan. She may potentially get deported back to Canada, I don’t know if that’s true or not though. She would not return CAS’s phone calls. I reached out to Amy’s brother Caleb, as the grandmother, Benda, was not returning my calls.

Caleb and I talked. I asked him how Mariana was. I asked about his sister. I explained everything.

He told me the following:

Screen caps of a group text where Amy responded to Brenda telling her I would call CAS. Amy said “call them and tell them he touches little girls LOL”, verbatim.

Mariana was kept in CAS’s care while the process to cut Amy’s parental rights went on.

They said she was suffering from extreme distress. Brenda was granted emergency custody but Brenda was witnessed by Mariana’s personal CAS worker selling pain pills. When Brenda was warned about selling substances around a 4 year old, she stated that she couldn’t look after her and gave her back to CAS.

Technically Amy still has parental rights. She played the system.

Caleb finally admitted he wasn’t ok with everything but he couldn’t afford to take Mariana.

He put me in touch with Amy who was rude and obnoxious.

Amy is pregnant again and she’s taken Mariana to the states. Currently, she is in trouble for a DUI she got. I don’t know the details. I called her and said outright that she should allow me to take Mariana in a closed adoption, where she would have visitation rights and she wouldn’t have to have her taken by CPS.

We got into a big fight and I said “just because you don’t want Mariana doesn’t mean she should suffer or be mistreated. Let me give her a loving home.” I said to her there is a reason she dropped Mariana with me in the first place. I told her, deep down inside she chose me because she knew I would love her.

I cried during our talk and she teared up too. But after our talk she (according to mutual friends) went on a huge tirade about me on Facebook. My current primary goal is to get Mariana away from Amy. She is continuing to drink and do drugs, and her boyfriend is not someone anyone trusts. The grandmother is completely out of the picture.

Amy’s close friend Ella reached out to me and said that she thought things were terrible and she fought against Amy and sacrificed their friendship to stick up for me. I found it moving because Ella wasn’t someone I talked to. I am trying to work out a deal with Caleb. My lawyer, who is a commenter from the last thread working pro bono for me, promised to represent him in family court for free.

We are urging him to fight for Mariana to get away from Amy and Dan so we can move forward with a closed adoption. Caleb doesn’t want to destroy the family any more than this already has but he is considering it. He admits I am the only person who ever really cared about his niece and I’m probably the only one who can make her happy.

Honestly it’s been hard. Emotionally it’s been really devastating to see Mariana go to such a bad place. I don’t know what she is going through but this has been torture for her. These months of struggle left me feeling bitter and angry, as well as depressed and helpless. It’s been hard to maintain a positive attitude.

Every time I see her stuff in my apartment, I tear up and get emotional. I have been sleeping poorly and skipping meals. I haven’t been healthy since I lost her. Legally if Caleb Doesn’t go through with his side, it’s over. Sometimes I wonder if I could have just kept her. Probably not, but she would be healthier and happier if I could have. I feel like the system failed Mariana.

In my last thread, a young mom reached out to me. She was a few hours away irl, so we talked and ended up getting along very well. We’ve started a relationship, and we met up a couple of times. She’s been very helpful in helping me cope. Last time some people got weirded out over my emotional attachment to Mariana. This time I am not engaging with people like that this time.

These kinds of people are the ones who think I should have hired a woman to do all the childcare stuff for Mariana, or left her to marinate in filth for weeks. These are the kinds of people who will never understand that I love Mariana and I want to be a part of her life to protect and raise and help her for as long as there is life in me. She’s family.

I’m anxious. There is no telling what abuse Mariana will go through at home. Amy should have lost parental rights a long time ago but that process is moving slowly apparently. They may not be able to enforce it with Amy in the states now. So that’s that. If things are going to work out it will still be over a year before I see Mariana again. But more likely, it all ends here.

The internet was glad to hear an update.

hotterthanahandjob wrote:

Thank you so much for the update. I'm so sorry you and Mariana are going through this. The system is obviously very flawed.

Edit. And shout out to the lawyer who is working this case pro bono!

OP responded:

The lawyer has been nothing short of wonderful, being supportive and understanding and patient with me.

Ohsojme wrote:

The system is failing her and I’m so sorry. Please don’t give up. I hope you continue to care for her in any way that you can. She needs people like you who love her to be in her corner.

Mitwad wrote:

Do what you can. The internet is cheering you on my friend. The uncle understands the child safety is important. So that helps. Can’t do anything more then just try and help him. C didn’t do anything wrong.

Nor is it his fault his Sister ran off to get knocked up, nor is it his fault for wanting to help his niece. Just be prepared for the years of therapy. Also. If you aren’t seeded therapy. Do. So. Especially with Betterhelp being very affordable.

Two months later, OP shared yet another update.

Check my post history for the old posts. The basic rundown is Mariana was abandoned in my care while Amy, her mom, left to meet her new boyfriend in the states. Brenda the grandmother is toxic and doesn’t want Mariana. Caleb, the uncle, doesn’t have the finances to raise her.

Amy is pregnant from her new boyfriend Dan.

After Mariana was returned to CPS, Amy took her to the states. We tried to have Caleb sue for custody of Mariana due to Amy’s neglect and dangerous lifestyle.

I want to adopt Mariana but for now I’m just praying that Caleb gets her and I can just be her babysitter. I promised Caleb if he got custody I’d support Mariana financially. Whether she lives with me or with him doesn’t matter. I just want her to be happy. So here’s what happened since then.

Dan dumped Amy, threw her out for cheating on him, and was charged for assaulting Amy’s lover. Amy then fled back to her grandmother’s. Caleb backed out of the suit. He believes that he can support Mariana now that she’s back home. But I doubt it. Either way, it’s all over. Amy and Brenda are gone, they moved and now I know nothing.

I’m never getting Mariana. I’m never seeing her again. That’s how this all ends. I’m sorry for getting people’s hopes up. In my last post I mentioned I started seeing a young mom from these posts. We are still together, and her and her kid both really get along with me. We became Facebook official, and have approached the subject of moving in together.

Mariana left a big hole in my heart, but this woman is helping me to heal. She has said that I can’t do anything more for Mariana but I can be there for her and her daughter. I don’t know what to do with Mariana’s things. I’ve given my girlfriend’s daughter as much of it as she wants/needs but there is still a lot.

Edit: what my partner meant is that, we’ve exhausted all our legal options, and even my lawyer has said without Caleb’s help it’s all over. She was just trying to convey that I could make a difference to someone, even if I couldn’t help Mariana any further.

The internet did not hold back.

3789460947994 wrote:

Look, I'm not sure of the legalities surrounding this but if you know that you're a good parent, that you love Mariana unconditionally, I seriously think you should keep fighting for this. Get in touch with her family and explain your side. Tell them you want to give her the best life possible. You have fought so hard for this - please don't give up.

As for your girlfriend saying there's no more you can do for Mariana so you should just look after your gf and her kid, to an outsider like me, that sets off alarm bells. She's more interested in you looking after her and her child exclusively, rather than allowing you to try and keep fighting for this child you've bonded with. Sounds a bit selfish and dismissive of your feelings. Just something to bear in mind.

OP responded:

Unfortunately I am now very well aquatinted with the legalities. It’s out of our hands. Best case scenario is Mary goes into foster care - even then though, she won’t ever go me and I won’t ever be able to know anything about her. She’s gone from my life. I have no right legally to her or any information about her.

HelianThea wrote:

I am sorry that this chapter of your life has reached an unsatisfying end. When you provide foster care for a child, you have to face the hard reality that the kid will go back to the parents or legal guardians in many circumstances, even if you form a bond with that child. Mariana is lucky to have had you looking out for her during the time you did. You were selfless.

You kept her safe. Now, you have to accept that what happens to her is beyond your control and knowing. And it's better for you that way, really, because you have to move on for your own sake. One way that you can do so is by taking what's left of the things she's left behind to a shelter, for some other child who is in need. Wishing you the best as you move forward.

OP responded:

That is a wonderful idea and I know Mary would love to know that she made another little boy or girl in a tough time very happy.

OMPOmega wrote:

This woman of yours sounds selfish. How dare she not care as much about Mariana as you do yet expect you to care about her daughter and herself? Do what you can for Mariana, and if this woman really loves you she will help; If she is trying to use you, she will get mad that you are spending time, money, or energy that she wants for herself on that helpless little girl.

You may not succeed in helping Mariana, but you can try just as you would if this new woman and her child were not there. If she threatens to leave, then she only wanted you in hopes that you would abandon the little girl and do everything for her instead of the little girl and only wanted you hoping to take the little girl’s place—she wanted to be spoiled at the expense of a child who needed you.

OP responded:

She’s been very supportive the whole time. When I despaired, she comforted me by telling me that I could still make a difference for someone.

It’s not as though we have given up on Mariana, we just have to face reality. Without someone in their family on our side, we can’t get Mariana.