'A male friend is trashing my BF behind my back. How should I handle this situation?' UPDATED 3X

"A male friend is trashing my boyfriend behind my back. How should I handle this situation?"

I (23F) started dating my boyfriend (27M) a little over a month ago. I’ve known him for over a year. He’s my friend Angela’s older brother. I first met him last year at a party Angela was having. I had met Angela in high school but not her brother be the was serving in the navy when I first met her.

Well, I can admit I was immediately interested in him the day we met. I could go into details as to why but let’s just say I thought from that first meeting that he was pretty great. We ran into each other from time to time over the last year and finally we both admitted that we were attracted to each other. We’ve been dating ever since.

Recently I changed my profile pic in my social media to one of the two of us. A male friend of mine recently asked me if I was “dating Angela’s loser brother." I got angry with him and let him know I didn’t appreciate his comment. My boyfriend is not a loser. In fact he has a good paying job and owns his own house.

Now I hear from a mutual friend that this guy was trashing my boyfriend to her. Saying he doesn’t know what I see in him and that he’s a loser. How should I approach this situation? The friend of mine is a guy I’ve known since we were in high school. I feel like I need to say something to him. He’s wrong to be talking about my boyfriend the way he is. Should I call him out on it?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

UncleTodd69 wrote:

My wife’s male “friends” were trash talk about me from day one. Spreading roomers. Nasty stuff…after 6 years together, 2 of which we were married. She said she didn’t see her self being married to me anymore, because all her friends doesn’t approve or even remotely like me (which is doh…all of them tried or did indeed to bang my wife at some point).

Long story short, she said she needs her friends more, mostly afraid losing them…than husband. My advice confront this person, also he’s not your friend, feels like he wants you more than your friendship.

Odaone wrote:

Your friend is jealous cuz he missed his chance with you. Hoping a smear campaign will drive a wedge between you and your bf. He’s been interested in you since high school lol

ConstipatedGoku wrote:

He’s definitely jealous and mad cause he never had the balls to approach you. Call him out and if he can’t respect your wishes cut him off.

A few days later, OP shared an update.

I talked to a mutual friend of ours named Teddy and he confirmed that this guy Eric has always had a thing for me. I never knew. He never said anything and even if he had I was never into him in that way. Teddy said Eric was really jealous that I’d started dating my boyfriend.

I finally worked up the nerve to call Eric and tell him I knew what he was saying about my boyfriend and that I didn’t appreciate it. He went on a pretty unhinged rant about how unfair it is that a guy like him can get a girl and he can’t. To be honest it was kind of sad. Not sad in a way that I felt sorry for him, sad as in pathetic. He built this whole nonexistent thing between us up in his head and now he’s angry that it’s not real.

I just politely asked him to please stop talking about my boyfriend since he really doesn’t know him at all. Again he kind of went into this self pitying rant that was really off putting and I told him we were friends and that’s all we’d ever be.

He told me there is no such thing as a guy who wants to just be friends with a girl. So I asked if he had only been friends with me because he thought I might f--k him someday. He pretty much said that was the only reason. At that point I ended the conversation and hung up. I’m really disappointed because I’ve known this guy since I was 16 and he’d always been a part of my friend group.

The internet comments kept rolling in.

amount81 wrote:

I'm sorry. It sounds like you got a peek behind the curtain and it wasn't pretty.

OP responded:

Kind of scary but also it got me angry. He doesn’t even know my boyfriend. But he’s got it in his head that he’s not worthy of dating me and he’s not a good person.

mooshoowow1994 wrote:

He has nothing on your boyfriend he's just a jealous f-boy.

theazurerose wrote:

Please be sure to tell your boyfriend and warn your friend group. This guy might pull a weird stunt to make you out to be a bad person just to get pity or make himself look better. I'm sorry he's a sh#$ty person AND yes people can be friends with others without hoping for physical rewards! Sounds like he was never a friend and you'll be better off.

OP responded:

I will talk with my boyfriend about it when I see him tomorrow. He’s been on a camping trip with his brother and some friends of theirs this week. The whole thing is so odd. One good thing about my friend group is that my boyfriend’s sister is also one of my best friends and I don’t think any of them will buy into anything he tries to sell them about either of us.

The next day, OP shared another update.

I had to wait until after work to talk to my boyfriend about this situation. He was returning from a camping trip today and was driving all morning to get home.

After work I went over to his place to see him. He seemed pretty tired from his long drive and to be honest I was just happy to see him since I hadn’t seen him since Saturday. So for a while we just talked about his trip and my week at work and made out a bit. (Like I said we hadn’t seen each other since Saturday.)

Finally I told him about this situation with this guy Eric. I told him about what he had been saying and our phone conversation. My boyfriend’s only response was “Who?” He had no idea who Eric even is. He knows he’s a friend of mine and his sister but that’s about it. He said much of the same stuff that commenters on here did.

That this guy is jealous and it’s strange that he seems obsessed with me. He’s not going to do something dumb like beat him up for talking s**t but he did say if Eric started talking shit about me there might be a problem. I also spoke to my best friend (who is my boyfriend’s sister) and she’s pretty much done with Eric too because of what he was saying about her brother.

As far as the rest of our friends I’m not going to encourage them to stop being his friend. That’s their call and not mine. But from now on I certainly am not going to be going to get togethers where he is. I have blocked him on all my social media and blocked his phone number too.

The commenters continued to be invested.

Aninerd_13 wrote:

Just be careful. I feel like Eric is totally gonna be a future stalker

OP responded:

I’m going to try to avoid him as much as I can for sure. I’m also going to have to talk to mutual friends about what happened. I want to let them know I don’t want him digging for info on me through them.

Mindtaker wrote:

For other people reading this post and wondering how this all worked out the way it did. This my friends, is what a man who isn't insecure and posessive does. I 100% believe he doesn't know or care who Eric was because he knows you guys are solid and he trusts you. Good job getting the problem fixed as well. Eric is absolutely going to talk s-t about you or your BF soon. So My advice is this.

When someone goes around talking shit, so many people get upset that they're being talked poorly about. That is the WRONG thing to think. What Eric is going to do if/when he decides to talk s#$t, is give you a list of people who weren't really your friends.

Then you get to cut them out and Eric did all the work for you. Its f-king great. I went through a divorce with a cheating ex wife and she talked some s--t as well. Those who know me didn't believe it, and those who believed it don't matter.

Its a gift, if/when it happens do not get upset. Do not react. Do not defend yourself. The people who truly know you and care about you won't believe any of the shit talk. ONLY fake friends, and people you shouldn't trust will buy what he is selling. Use it to cut out the dead weight and enjoy your non jealous, secure, confident Gentleman.

Geekithebrave wrote:

This was a Saga. Your man sounds like a very mature level headed dude that you deserve way more then some "nice guy" good on you, defending him, then telling him what happened, open communication is a sign of a healthy relationship.

A few weeks later, OP shared another update.

Since I started dating my current boyfriend I’ve lost two friends who have not been able to deal with the fact that I didn’t pick one of them to date. One guy “ Eric” was really angry and started to trash talk about my boyfriend. I confronted him over it and we had a huge argument. So he sent me a series of nasty messages over Facebook. I responded in kind because he pissed me off so badly.

Now another friend “Teddy” is telling me it’s my fault because I should have given Eric a chance. He said Eric “put his time in” with me and I should have at least gone on one date. I told him I never wanted to date Eric in the first place. He said again that I should have at least given him a chance.

This pissed me off all over again and I angrily told him women are not amusement park rides where you get a chance to ride as long as you wait long enough. So after getting my heart broken last year I finally started dating a guy who makes me happy and two friends have decided that I did something awful.

I told Teddy that they both need to grow the f#$k up. If all you want to do is bang a chick make it clear up front. Don’t pretend you’re their buddy. At least it’ll prevent them from wasting their time with a fake friend and you won’t have to waste your time on a woman who’s not into you that way.

The comments kept rolling in.

lortplzhelpme wrote:

No one owes anyone a mf date because they feel that THEY “put their time in”. Lol get lost dude. Take your L and move on.

namorblack wrote:

As a dude, I cannot fathom that these dudes exist. Like, how do you go from being born, being a toddler chasing butterflies and bees, grow up and be this nauseating. Where does it go wrong?

lemurianelf responded:

Very common. Happened to me twice. Both times men were "friends", asked me out,I said I wanted to be friends, they were cool with it...yet hated every time I went on a date with someone. Both ended up ghosting me overnight. No more male friends for me.

jhonotan1 wrote:

I dated one of these guys. We were best friends, and then he professed his love and basically guilted me into giving him a chance. It ended with him being so suffocating and overbearing that I didn't even want to be his friend anymore. I was so happy to break up with him.

namorblack wrote:

Girls. I'm so sorry you had and have to deal with this toxic BS. That it some predatory behaviour and no one should be subjected to that. It makes you question everything all the time, every intention and every social relation. PTSDs are made of things like these.

I don't even know where to start to remedy a situation like this. I try to do my part by BS checking my friends and acquaintances if they come up with some s*xist joke or remark and explain to them why it's bad for everyone.