'A man came up to me and said he was my father with some proof. Is he a scam artist?' UPDATED 4X
"A man came up to me and said he was my father, but I already know who my dad is, or do I? What should I do? Is he a scam artist?"
He claims that he was married to my mom before my dad and she left him for my dad. He says this happened while she was pregnant with me and she put my dad on the birth certificate and "they" (my parents and grandfather) used their power and money to make sure he couldn't stay in contact with me.
He also claims when I was five he tried again and my dad broke his fingers. He says he is just now contacting me because with my grandad's tragic passing last year it's "safe" now.
Issues with this story:
He had no documentation (although he promised to show me some and suggested he bring it by my apartment...that he knows the location of)
I am 20, why now?
My dad is a nonviolent man, I can't see him breaking anyone's fingers. He never spanked me when I was a kid and was always the pushover parent
My grandad traded stocks, he was hardly a mafia kingpin
My parents were childhood sweethearts and are still crazy about each other...in addition to being decent people
He also kept commenting on my money (saying I looked like a banker (in jeans and a button up) asking if my dad gave me my watch and how much my bike cost). He did tell me his name and his number and show his license and I am considering running a background check, but my parents see my expenses.
In his favor:
1. I look like him
2. I've never seen my parents wedding pictures
3. He didn't seem insane
4. He knew a lot of information that would be hard to find about my family
5. He mentioned a coat I had as a kid
I am an only child, my mom said that they never got so lucky as to have another
I don't know. I would usually ask my parents, but my mom just got diagnosed with breast cancer and I don't want to worry her or my dad that some pyscho is trying to swindle me or harass or harm me.
TL;DR This man says he is my father. My dad has always been in my life and presumed to be my bio dad. Could this be a scam? How should I check it out? (my parents are going through a crisis so I'd rather avoid bothering them).
Not long after posting, OP shared two small updates.
EDIT 1: I called my real dad first, deciding that he was a better call than fakedad or the cops (until I access the situation). I asked if he knew NAME. He responded by asking if I was at my apartment, when I said yes, he said he'd be here in half an hour. This isn't good.
EDIT 2: He is my biological father. My dad AND my mom showed up, he said it was more her story than his. Apparently when they were married he was toxic. When she told him she filed for divorce he pushed her down the stairs and she had to be hospitalized.
She decides promptly that he will never get near enough to hurt her child. Her childhood best friend offers to marry her. This is all pretty convoluted. My life and parents are a lot different than they were this morning.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
barefoot_yank wrote:
DNA test. Without it, there's no way of knowing. Have him pay for it.
OP responded:
I'll call him and tell him that. Stupidly obvious I haven't.I just kind of freaked out.
Lunchmeet wrote:
Wow, this is crazy. I couldn't imagine what I would do if this happened to me. Seeing as how you've updated it, can you give us some more details on how your parents reacted/what the situation was like when they came over?
OP responded:
I opened the door- I was surprised to see my mom. Although I should've known he wouldn't come alone (both because that's not how they do things and because on Tuesdays at that time he is usually home between business and raquetball). We greet.
My mom hugs me. My dad just puts his hand on my cheek and says that I'm everything he could want in a son. I say so, who is NAME? My mom says I'll start at the beginning- I met him when I was 19, he was a moody violinist and it seemed the right amount of rebellion to fall in love with him. I was hardly the type to date a drummer. And then it unfolded.
By the end me and my mom are crying. My dad is holding her arm. And I don't know why this bothered me but I asked if they were in love. My dad said I've loved your mother since I was five years old, but we're both so stubborn it may have taken us forty years to realize it if we hadn't become a family to protect you.
We were going to get a divorce when you were two, but we were so happy neither of us brought it up. Then we all laughed a little and I'm heading there for dinner in a few hours. It's a screwed up situation but my family is still my family and I'm a lucky guy.
clayverde wrote:
OP. I realize that it seems like everything has changed, but it many ways it hasn't. The man who raised you is your dad. And while it can be hard to see parents as real people, remember that they are normal people too. Your mom went through this very difficult thing and tried to do what was best for you. And she couldn't have been that far off the mark, given what seems like a happy upbringing.
So while it is shocking to discover this, please remember that these are the same people you've known all your life who love you dearly. Please keep up updated and hang in there!! Also, your biological dad sounds very sketchy and I question both his intention and his timing. Take any relationship with him slow and cautious. If he's for real, he won't care.
A day later, OP shared another update.
After a lot of thought, I've decided that, all issues aside, I simply have no interest in this man who has my jaw and some shared DNA. I'm a junior at NYU doing a dual major and overload this sem, between that and lining up internships I barely have time to sleep. I have a great family and couldn't ask for better.
I was never that kid who wished his parents were anyone else (except maybe batman when I was 9.) I wish I had more time for them than once a week dinner and phone calls, I don't wish I had some extra father figure and I've got enough friends. If he were a decent man I might feel like I owe it to him.
But considering the fact that his actions resulted in this and if my mom had stayed I would have been raised in an abusive home, likely abused myself, I don't feel bad about this- just relieved. I also (for those who are worried about any possible truth from fake real dad) I asked my dad if I could see any of the paperwork on my bio dad, to assuage curiosity.
He assuaged my curiosity. The divorce papers were in there, the restraining order, and even pictures of my mom after he shoved her. Yeah, he's an scumbag. He was waiting at my usual coffee shop today (will find a new one) and basically was pushy and an AH.
He never once admitted any kind of wrong doing or anything. I ended the conversation by saying "Thank you for contacting me, but I am happy in life right now, if I ever change my mind I will contact you."
He then got this weird look of outraged dignity and said that I was an ungrateful little bastard and that if were richer than my dad I'd be on my knees. Then he said that without him I wouldn't exist.
Said I was his only son and he wished he didn't have one, hell, he wished he didn't have a daughter as she was just as ungrateful. He said a lot more but that's the gist. I have a dad, it's not this joker. I may look up the sister at some point in the future when I have the time and mind set to explore that. Although, she's probably just a kid.
TL;DR No interest in forming relationship with biodad, due to his past acts (satisfying proof seen) I also don't feel obligated. He stalked me today and confirmed this. Oh, and I have a sister.
The internet was invested in the update.
Tsl208 wrote:
I don't know what it is like to be in this situation. However, my initial reaction was I hope the daughter is doing okay. I mean you are lucky and landed in a great situation. I would feel bad if I had a sister who did not get so lucky and I waited to contact her.
OP responded:
I can only assume she has a caregiver and hope its a good one. Honestly, contact from me won't do much if she was in a bad situation. I'm a 20 year old kid whose income until my first trust opens is entirely dependent on my parents and I'm not even legally her brother, it's all word of mouth. I guess the main point is I see no need to rush.
Even if she's in a less than tenable place, there's little I can do to change anything. Although I can't help but feel horrible when I think of the pictures of my mom I saw, her face bloodied from his hands and her body bruised because he shoved her down the stairs and feel bad for any kid he raised.
youdissagree wrote:
Sis thing might just be bait. Hard to say if It's worth looking into. :/ If she is as "ungrateful" as he said she might be old enough to be living on her own. Probably the best outcome you could get.
Though I recommend being cautious when leaving work/school and such for a while. My dad was like this and he would wait for me at each. It's hard to say where he will draw the line. Not trying to worry you, but a little caution can go a long way.
OP responded:
Unfortunately, I think the best thing if for me to take up my dad's offer of a car and driver until all of this settles. I will also be moving into a rental property we own because it has tighter access, ie a doorman has to admit you. I honestly should have been in a nicer apartment anyways- just on the off chance someone finds out my parents worth and thinks my place would be nice to case.
shoblime wrote:
Don't hesitate to get a restraining order if he keeps following you.
It's not like you can change schools or jobs every time he looks you up on Facebook.
kidforlife wrote:
As an older brother I think you should find your sister sooner rather than later. Especially if she has a dad like that. It's your life and your business, but having a little sister is an amazing thing.
Six months later, OP shared another update.
I took some time, but eventually curiosity got the best of me. She's 17 with a five-month-old and her background is completely different than mine. We corresponded a little on the internet but met today. I drove two hours.
She seemed like a nice girl. But I didn't feel like any "wow, we are related" moment or strong sense of kinship. Maybe I don't know how siblings are supposed to feel. I don't know. Mostly it was awkward. Me and 17-year-old girls don't have a lot in common.
She said I reminded her of someone on Gossip Girls and owned Justin Bieber cds. But she did reinforce my belief that I'm doing right by not connecting with the biodad. He hasn't seen her son and hasn't contacted her in a year. Just wanted to let those of you who helped me out last year know. Thanks guys.
The internet was glad to hear an update.
The_Phasers wrote:
Honestly, the best advice I've ever gotten is this:
"No matter what happens, At the end of the day, you have to go to sleep with yourself."
As long as you're ok with it, and you feel like you did the right thing, that's what matters. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
epixxfish wrote:
If she feels like your sister, then screw it, she is. but it's your call on how your view her, as a sibling or just someone you happen to be related too.
X-Pert74 wrote:
I remember that post! It's nice to see an update, and to hear how your dad isn't in your sister's life either.