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'A planned pregnancy turned my husband into a monster. I'm not sure what to do.' UPDATED 4X

'A planned pregnancy turned my husband into a monster. I'm not sure what to do.' UPDATED 4X


One of the scariest parts of being with someone long-term, is you never know if they'll remove their mask to unveil a layer of cruelty you didn't think existed.

In a popular post on the True Off My Chest subreddit, a woman shared how her husband changed after she got pregnant. She wrote:

"A planned pregnancy turned my husband into a monster."

It feels like a cruel cruel joke- years before I met my husband I was in such a toxic, ab*sive relationship that it almost ended my life. I spent years in therapy, bettering myself, figuring out why I accepted that type of “love.” I stayed single for years, and once I started dating, I made sure to keep an eye out on all red flags. Heck, I even took things slowly when there was nothing but green flags.

Thanks to my ex I was familiar with love bombing. I met my husband at work event, and things just fell into place. I opened up and explained my past trauma, and let him know that if we were going to date that it would require a slow pace and patience. I won’t say that he was perfect, but he was always kind, compassionate, and cared.

We dated for about five years, engaged for one and married for a little over three years now. We recently bought our second home together, we both got promotions at work, so we sat down and talked about kids. He wanted a big family, and I only wanted one or two. We agreed on two, and well started trying.

It didn’t take long and here I am six months pregnant, still working, have swollen ankles and a back that won’t stop aching. Other than that I’ve been very happy and have what I thought was a supportive husband. Three weeks ago, I found out that he was having an emotional affair, and honestly probably a physical one.

When confronted with the evidence he admitted to not being attracted to me while pregnant. I’m wrecked. I haven’t gained unnecessary weight, I still take care of myself, even with the morning sickness that hasn’t gone away.

He’s not sorry about it, but you told me that I was being overdramatic when I cried, he is staying with his family until he can find a home to rent, he doesn’t want to get a divorce- he saying after the pregnancy is over we can go to therapy and fix things. I don’t want to. I cannot physically look this man in the eye anymore without feeling disgust.

I have a text from him saying that he’s my only option, because no man wants to date a single mom. I’ll be talking to a lawyer and figuring out how to divorce him I just wanted to vent into the void today. For now I’m going to DoorDash some nuggets and a frosty from Wendy’s and be OK if I gain 5 pounds from it thanks for listening well reading I suppose.

The internet had a lot to say in support of OP.

kerill333 wrote:

I swear these guys deserve an Oscar for hiding their true selves for so long. I would go as No Contact as you can, if possible? Stay strong. You do not need that kind of s**t in your life.

RoundGold6729 wrote:

Literally! This is so sad! This is why I get so mad when some people blame the women in similar stories, saying they should have chosen better. Like how? She was misled/manipulated into thinking this was the best choice. I wish the best for OP.

Gdfjaaok wrote:

I was a single mom when I met my husband. My friend has three kids, 2 are special needs and found a new man. F* him!!

OP shared a long response to a now-deleted comment asking why she called it an "emotional affair" and whether it was as bad as she made it sound.

I don’t think you deserved the amount of dislikes for asking a question, maybe it was in the way you worded it. Who really knows. Emotional affair was how I decided to word it, because what else do I call just “talking.”

He was telling a very young naive woman- how hot she was, how he couldn’t wait to touch her body, telling her he loved her, but then claimed they never met. He would complain to her that I wasn’t “fun” anymore. There were obviously pictures sent back and forth due to comments, but the pictures were deleted.

I asked him about all his “overtime” at work and he couldn’t give straight answers hence the physical aspect of things. This man went from working maybe 40 hours a week to 60 and I may be dealing with pregnancy but I’m not stupid.

You didn’t ask this but I’m putting it here because people have brought it up and they may read this comment. I would never expect my husband or whatever you want to call him to find my changing body attractive, pregnancy is weird I think it’s beautiful but he or others don’t have to.

What I did expect was him to not call me hideous to another woman, or to cheat especially while I’m growing a life we both wanted.

[deleted] wrote:

Why do you have to move?

OP responded:

We bought our home together and instead of fighting it out we’ll be selling and splitting assets, or at least I hope that’s how it will be. Plus I just don’t want to be here in this house- it’s too big for just a baby and I plus the dog he just had to have that’s currently curled up in bed with me.

[deleted] wrote:

Have you moved out yet?

OP responded:

Oh I’m sorry! I’m still in the shared home- he moved out to stay with his family until he finds another place.

Two days later, OP jumped on with an update.

I was told I’m not allowed to change the locks due to it being his home as well. He came over last night knowing there wasn’t crap I could do to prevent it. Thankfully, he only grabbed some personal belongings, threatened to take the dogs (he did not) and let me know he emptied our shared account.

Part of me rolled my eyes and figured he wasn’t dumb enough to do that, and the other part made me make a mental note to check it once he left. Sure enough our account has maybe $5 in it, he did a transfer which I’ll be calling the bank about and speaking to an attorney this afternoon.

Thankfully my dad taught me you don’t fully mix finances so my savings wasn’t capable of being touched- and while it’s not a lot it’s enough to pay for the fees over the next few weeks.

I don’t have any family left so I think he’s doing a power play to make me feel like I’m alone and need him, when in all reality it’s lit a fire under my a*s that I don’t want or need such a garbage person in my life. Thank you to everyone that’s reached out with comments, kind messages and helpful advice.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Individual-You3727 wrote:

What a POS. My husband f**ked me all the way up until a couple weeks before giving birth. Then he told me how sexy I was newly postpartum, when I was at my worst. Now, as a tired out toddler mom, he still desires me and puts in the effort. He got up early with the baby and made breakfast so I could sleep in today and he does this often.

All I’m saying, there is much better out there and there’s no excuse for this guys behavior. My messages are open if you need to chat or would like any advice on baby things. :)

LadyAshGray wrote:

Sad to say this is fairly normal. A lot of men think women are without options when they are pregnant (to be fair a lot of women are) so they start the mistreatment. They just needed a vulnerable victim because they are weak. Just disgusting all the way around. I really hope you get the help you need OP. You are worth more than that scum man.

Don't listen to his words, he wants you to feel weak, so he can ab*se you. You are strong and will be even stronger for your baby.

In one comment, OP laid out her relationship with her in-laws.

While I would consider it a civil relationship with the in laws, they are his parents and in their eyes he can do no wrong. He’s an only child and they have a very very close relationship. His mother apologized on his behalf but asked me to put myself in his shoes. They’re choosing to wear blinders to the whole situation.

With the divorce that’s the whole attorney thing- I’ve done a free consultation, the attorney and I agreed with the assets and how things are going it won’t be a mediation(?) and will be a long expensive court battle knowing how spiteful he’s being.

They have recommended a police report on any issue to have it filed, to not block contact with him for proof of harassment and think the best course of action is selling the property and splitting assets. I'd love to just focus on my pregnancy and myself but due to safety reasons I’m staying on top of legal issues.

Njbelle-1029 wrote:

How do men like this still think no man wants to date a single mom when there are so many loving step dads out there in the world. Thank goodness you are not buying his bulls**t mama! Love to you as you move on in your life. I’m sorry you will have to co parent with this loser.

RebelDarlin wrote:

Please write down EVERYTHING. My lawyer told me to document every call and text. Everything I purchased for my daughter with my money, I kept a receipt. Document the doctors appts and if he goes or not, etc.

Anything you think will be significant proof for his actions before, during, and even after the divorce (my ex and his new wife harassed me and drug me through court 7 times in 3 years). It's better to have the proof and not need it...

Three days later, OP shared another update.

I wanted to do an update with how many people took the time to send messages, leave comments and share their own personal stories- which especially helped make me not feel so alone. As mentioned, I was not allowed to change the locks on our house due to both of our names being on it. I never feared for my safety, it was more so an annoyance.

He showed up to grab some personal belongings and I thought that what be the most that would happen. It was like he was trying to get a reaction from me- he told me he transferred funds and emptied out the account, I didn’t believe him until I saw it myself. That was both of our money, so that’s being dealt with currently.

He showed up the day before yesterday completely drunk, begging to talk, increasing in anger when I would just ignore him and walk away. It kept increasing so I went to grab my bag and walk down the road to a neighbor's home so I wasn’t alone. He grabbed my arm to stop me and when I yanked it away, he slapped me- almost a backhanded open slap.

The cops were called, I didn’t have a mark on my face so it was a my word vs his- they escorted him off the property and I’m only now assuming he’s back with his parents now, he did throw a fit about the dogs and does have proof of ownership so I'm guessing he’ll be able to take them.

Went to leave to go for a drive to clear my head after everything and realized 3 of my 4 tires were flat, I know it was him but I don’t have proof. Insurance won’t cover it, so going to a tire shop on Friday morning. Just another drop in the bucket As for the attorney I’ve had my consult and I’m waiting for my check to come in for my actual appointment and getting the ball moving on this.

There’s not any family left, and a few close friends are kept in the loop but I don’t want to burden them or treat them like unpaid therapists so I think that’s why I came back to Reddit. Something therapeutic about just typing it all out into the void.

The baby/pregnancy is okay- I’ve actually lost weight, and the doctor has told me to avoid stressful situations and to take things easy. I’ll be calling to see if I can change the locks on the home now and if not I’m going to start looking for places.

The internet was fully in OP's corner.

tatasz wrote:

Good job.

I'd consider moving in with a friend temporarily. He sounds unhinged and you shouldn't be alone.

OP responded:

Unfortunately, all of my friends are out of state and too far away from my work, doctor, and I was recommended to stay on the property so he couldn’t go after me for abandoning the assets.

shame-the-devil wrote:

OP- it has just occurred to me that if your husband has retained residence elsewhere - signed a lease, filled out paperwork to change his address with the post office, etc- then it may be permissible to change the locks, as he has acknowledged that it is no longer his primary residence. Please ask your attorney about this.

OP responded:

He has not. He’s still staying with his parents, I’m unsure if the reasoning you gave off is why he’s staying there or if he’s having trouble finding a place due to the market and lack of rentals. If I had to guess he’s hoping he can make life just hard enough to where I ask him to come back home. Which will not happen.

No-Mechanic-3048 wrote:

Can a friend come stay with you for a little bit?

OP responded:

A friend is planning on coming up but it won’t be for another month or two.

queenlegolas wrote:

You need security cameras as well.

OP responded:

My neighbor has some they’re letting me use until I can afford to buy some better ones- they have video but no audio. At this point I’m glad knowing I’ll at least have something.

Adorable_Strength319 wrote:

Let me reassure you that it's totally ok to lean on friends right now. You'd help them out if they were in a rough place, right? I think it would be wise to ask someone to stay with you in your house for a while, just to have an extra layer of safety. The way your ex escalated and got vi*lent last time is extremely concerning. Do not brush it off as a one-time thing.

I don't want to unduly scare you, but it's a fact that intimate partner vi*lence during pregnancy is a real threat to the mom and fetus. You can look up IPV and pregnancy. Please, please lean on friends and do whatever you have to to protect yourself.

OP responded:

Thank you- while I’m trying to do what I can and stay safe- my friends are on the other side of the US, what we’re doing right now is FaceTimes and phone calls. My best friend has outright said if she calls and I don’t call back within 5 minutes of our setup time she’s calling the p*lice.

She also put in for some time off of work and wants to come up to help me look at places and just be there in general. I’m not going to lie I’m struggling in every way possible and I’m scared but I know I have a support system to lean on.

Substantial_Study994 wrote:

OP, I would get legal advice about moving closer to be with your friends before you give birth. It would be good for you to have support around and some laws may prohibit you from moving when the baby is born.

OP responded:

I unfortunately have to stay in the surrounding area or else he could get me for abandonment of property and such. And while I wish I didn’t care about the possessions a large chunk of my money is tied up in that house. So while moving is in the cards it won’t be for quite some time- I have a divorce, splitting assets and most likely an ugly custody battle in front of me.

He won’t be on the birth certificate but I know he’ll hurt me in any way possible which will mean fighting for our daughter. After everything is settled and hopefully I’m granted full custody a move will take place. Just making sure that all is done correctly since there’s no “safety net” to fall back on.

Four days later, OP jumped on with another update.

Final update: I changed my locks, figured if he’d get the law Involved I’d use pregnancy brain and being forgetful to give him a spare set. He broke in late last night, I was able to contact the p*lice before I confronted him but due to location I knew it would be a bit. I tried walking by him to leave the house but every time I would he’d shove me, once hard enough to make me stumble and fall backwards.

The eerie part is he never once yelled- threw things-one of the items hit me causing an emergency room visit requiring stitches, said the most vile things- he hated me, I should kill myself, how useless I was etc. yet never once raised his voice, I’m not saying that in a good way- I wish he would have yelled, it was a fight or flight instinct and I found out mine was to freeze. I hate that for myself.

He was arr*sted and his mother already bailed him out, I'm staying at a hotel thanks to a work advance and looking into apartments. I won’t be stepping a foot into that home we shared until my best friend is here and even then it will be with police being with us.

Nobody can figure out what made him change almost overnight, only thing I’m guessing is a psychotic break, but I’m not a therapist or doctor. Besides some ugly bruises and some stitches myself and the baby are fine.

My lawyer feels like this is enough to get a protection order for myself and will include the pregnancy/baby. Next time I see him will be at court, sorry I’m rambling and maybe this doesn’t make any sense. For now- I’m safe, can sleep good for the first time in weeks. I have the dogs. Nobody is aware of where I am besides one close person, and the police.

The internet was concerned about OP.

goddessofwitches wrote:

Women's health RN OP. Please update the hospital you're delivering at and the OBGYN on removing his info as next of contact. Remove him as a visitor or place restrictions on your account if you have preliminarily signed up at the delivery center.

Put alerts on all accounts and lock your credit if you haven't already The most dangerous time for a woman is leaving an ab*ser and especially while pregnant. I'm wishing you and your baby all the good vibes I can momma. Stay safe!

Spirited_Complex_903 wrote:

Omg. I've been following your posts and I'm just shocked as to what happened recently too. I am so glad that you were safe and I hope you and the baby continue to be safe.

One thing that really popped up for me is: please have a professional, perhaps police or someone who is tech savvy, to do a complete search of your car to ensure that there is no GPS tracking system that your ex put on it or in it. He tampered with your car (slashing tires.) Who knows what else he's done to your car?

Considering how crazy and violent he has become, you need to do all you can to keep you and your baby safe from him. Also if you can do a web search of women's organizations that serve domestic vi*lence victims, call a good one to ask if they have services or know of any organizations that actually help walk you through how to ensure your safety and lock it down.

I'm glad you have finally been able to sleep. I really hope the bank situation clears up really quickly and that your money is returned to you soon. I am glad that you have reported all that needs to be reported to the police.

And I'm glad that you have a good lawyer. From what you've shared about what your ex has done and said to you, he sounds like a sociopath with psychopathic tendencies. He finally dropped his mask. It's ugly and it's scary. But you are protective Mama Bear. Sending you so much love and protective energy. ♡

Lucilda1125 wrote:

I think you should move out of the area, he has risked the baby's life by attacking you so it's not safe for him to be anywhere near the baby when it's born. Put the child in your surname, not his or just have both surnames so he doesn't have power over you.

Once you are in your own place, consider buying all things to protect/defend your home and yourself like cctv, baseball bat, sirens etc and definitely change your will asap.

A week later, OP shared another update.

P*lice met me at my home to grab some personal belongings and pretty much anything and everything else I could grab.

Thanks to the user who recommended me calling the non emergency number it was smooth sailing- he wasn’t home, I didn’t have the fear of him showing up and both officers were very kind. What I walked into on the other hand was not very fun- this man looked like he went on a bender.

Bleach on clothes, food everywhere, personal belongings just destroyed, especially the nursery. I was able to salvage a lot of the bigger items and packed what I could, they’re now in storage until I move into my place. Took pictures and as aggravating as it was especially with the one step forward two steps back I'm hopeful that they’ll just be another thing used against him to prevent custody.

As far as him- he has no way of contacting other then attorney or email and it’s been quiet on both ends, his parents have not reached out I don’t even know what I’d say to them if they tried so no loss there. His girlfriend yes girlfriend as I found out has been trying to contact me via friends to let me know she’s pregnant.

I’m unsure if that’s true or not but that in the very least confirms the affair and how well he kept things hidden. I do want to clear the air I made a post asking for helpful information on resources that could potentially help and someone made a comment saying I was in it for a “ long con” and that’s just untrue.

I have not and will not accept any personal items/donations other then advice and maybe an internet hug. (Editor's note- OP deleted the post she is referencing.) While I wish my story was made up, it is not. Maybe it’s a venting board maybe it’s just connecting with people that have been in the same situation but it’s helps keep me sane.

Anyway I’ll leave it at thank you all for listening and checking up on me- I’m safe I’m good, pregnancy is the only thing kicking my a*s and I’ll make sure to make a post in a few months letting y’all know she’s here and that we made it. Bye for now ❤️

The support came rolling in.

farsighted451 wrote:

Wow. You're doing so well for someone who found out that the person they loved was secretly a monster. I admire your coping skills and wish you peace in the near future 🤞💜

OP responded:

Oh trust me I’m having bad days with it especially emotionally, I’m sure the hormones aren’t helping. I’ve debated if I turned a blind eye and if there really weren’t any red flags. I’ve had moments where I’ve missed him because it’s not just a switch- we loved each other or at least I loved him.

This is a person I planned a future and had a past with. It’s really just an emotional rollercoaster and that’s okay. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to handle all of this but I’m doing my best.

RanaEire wrote:

It's awful to go through everything you've gone through, OP, with a partner that supposedly loves you - especially when pregnant. Hope things get better for you and your little one.

PurpleGimp wrote:

I'm so glad to hear your update. You've and your wee one have been in my thoughts. I'm so so glad the police were able to give you an escort over to the house so you could be safe while you gathered your belongings. Sorry to hear so much was destroyed, but it's really good that you documented everything for your lawyer, and ultimately the courts.

Has your lawyer said whether or not you have a good case against allowing visitation because of his ass*ult of you and subsequent arrest? Either way what matters most now is that you're safe, and so is your wee one. Also also sorry to hear that he was having an affair, but maybe that means he'll leave you alone.

I know this all hurts a lot and must be really confusing, but you did the immediate right, hard, thing, by getting out of there and to somewhere safe. I can't recall, but do you have an order of protection against him? If not, please get one. Having that order in place really helped me as I was trying to get my ex to leave my son and I alone. It should also help when it comes to the divorce and custody matters.

You've been super strong and brave throughout all of this insanity, and I'm wishing you and your baby much love, and happier days ahead for both of you. Take care of yourselves. 💙

invisible hugs

SympathyChoice8825 wrote:

I’m glad you’re doing okay. It will get better. It just takes time. My ex was the same way. I caught him having an affair and somehow I was the bad guy and he was extremely angry. I don’t know if it was a mental health crisis or not, I do know you deserve better. Best of luck to you I wish you and the baby health wealth and happiness.

Hopefully, OP is able to move forward into a life of safety and healing, far from her ex.

Sources: Reddit
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