'A teacher who was very cruel to me as a child reached out. Should I tell her how I feel?' MAJOR UPDATE

"A teacher who was very cruel to me as a child reached out. Should I tell her how I feel?"

I recently got a friend request from my 5th-grade parent's teacher. I am 30 now. She sent me some happy message with excitement and "hugs, hugs, hugs!", and it's left me very confused.

This woman was an absolute monster to me when I was in her class. She would go out of her way to humiliate me or punish me for things that I had nothing to do with. During this time my mother was getting treated for cancer and had to get surgery, my father fell back into drinking, and my parents marriage was falling apart.

Every day I dreaded going to class. Literally have panic attacks. She would single me out and look for things to put me down for. I'd never screamed at a teacher in my life, but I lost it on her when I had to leave early to go to the hospital for my mom and walked in to get my things during break, which she didn't allow.

She immediately screamed at me, started writing up a detention slip, kept screaming, and I snapped and lost it, she kept yelling at me and putting me down even after I explained I was going to the hospital.

Or when I was having anxiety over having a tooth pulled and when my dad came to pick me up, she jokingly/menacingly yelled "THEY'RE GOING TO RIP ALL YOUR TEETH OUT!". And that's just some of the things she did. She was literally the reason I told my parents that I refused to ever go to a Christian or religiously based school again, and it was living hell for the year I had her.

Now she thinks we're friends?

I don't want to attack her, but I am tempted to at least confront her on it, say I forgive her, and move on. Shouldn't an AH be held accountable? Or is there a statute of limitations over childhood trauma?

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

apkayle wrote:

We live in a world where a private email can turn into your publicity disaster. Flatly tell her to never contact you again. That's all. Or better yet, ignore her. Don't go full manchild like the rest of the internet is suggesting. You're 30 years old now, you should have priorities that transcend some bad teacher experiences we've all had.

OP responded:

I know what you are saying is the appropriate route to take, but my father was just cremated yesterday on my birthday of all days. And then this bitch decides to pop up in my life and pretend to care? I sooo don't want to be a manchild, but she nearly brought me to suicide and I barely even understood what that was at the time.

She was the worst bully of them all, people like this are BSt. And I'm probably just oversensitive and messed up right now because of the whole dad thing, but I never got any closure from my father either, and I feel like she should know that her actions really hurt someone. I don't know, I'm just exhausted and done.

bgk67 wrote:

Obviously this woman tormented the you. So the last thing you need is to let her back into your life. I would simply respond with, FOAD (F Off And D**) Then Block her.

OP responded:

I was planning on blocking her after giving her some truth. She just sent a long message about how she’s been tracking me down for a long time and how blessed she is that she finally found. And hopes I’m doing great and can’t wait to reconnect with me. I’m so confused and my blood is boiling.

acid-vogue wrote:

Honestly, if you would benefit from it, by bringing you some kind of closure or retaking of power you didn’t have as a child, fucking do it. But if you would feel guilty afterwards or have nothing to gain, then just block and move on. I would want to tell her how monstrously she treated me but I would feel guilty about it because I’m screwed in the head, so I’d just ignore it and move on with my life.

WholeExplanation9 wrote:

She sounds messed up. Tell her what she did to you. After that, don't keep in touch with her.

FailureCloud wrote:

Piggy backing on this to say: don't let her gaslight you or walk on your feelings either OP!! The things you're about to tell her will make her hostile most likely, be prepared for her to be horrible again.

stressedashelll wrote:

Honestly she's just doing it because she probably feels guilty for doing what she did. Drop. Her. She doesn't deserve any sympathy for what she did. If you went to a religious school she's probably in that phase where "Oh shit I'm going to die soon I might as well repent." Don't give her that satisfaction. Tell her the stuff that she's done to u, wait for a reply or two then block her.

EDIT: I say wait for a reply or two because I (weirdly) love hearing people make that last plea. It's so satisfying to hear them wanting to keep arguing with you or show their true colors before you finally say "b*tch bye"

GreenTheHero wrote:

Don't even let her respond, say your peace, tell her to not bother responding, and then block her instantly, not having the final say, or any say, is crushing to a lot of people.

A day later, OP shared an update.

So, wow. Firstly, I wasn't expecting such an overwhelming amount of messages and responses. But what I have read so far has helped me better weigh the pros and cons of responding, and the support from you guys is really comforting and has helped me feel not quite as alone.

I was fuming last night, as I'm already dealing with a lot, and her message took me there, so I held off until I could process it a bit more and not take the low-road and get vicious. She absolutely deserves for me to and it'd definitely make me feel empowered, but I know that would quickly fade into "wasn't worth it" territory.

I was civil but I called her out on it. I've decided to post screenshots, not to exploit this, but maybe you guys can perceive this differently. I feel like it's not really an apology, and the whole her representing Jesus poorly thing and turning it into something about religion is a cop out.

She doesn't even take responsibility, especially in how she says "if I was a bad representation of Jesus, which it sounds like it..", is the understatement of the year.

I did this on my one ten minute break, and man could I have said more, and part of me wants to, but I probably shouldn't let this escalate. Also, her being the mayor just blows my mind. Of course she is.

I probably could have done so much better.

Teacher: Here I am! I've looked for you a few times! But was successful this time! Crazy times we are living in now! But all is well and I hope this finds you at peace!...and healthy!! If i could just get a good deep cleaning done on my house, i would be thrilled. Garden is in so i am off to clean today! Blessings to you Honey! Soooo good to connect...let's visit more later

OP: I'm not exactly sure how to say this. I don't wish you any Ill will towards you but I also have no desire to reconnect with you. You treated me horribly when I was your student. Singling me out and frankly bullying me at times. You said very hurtful things to me that no teacher has ever said. Not only would I have panic attacks before your class every day.

But my dad was falling back into alcoholism, my mom was in the hospital for cancer, and I was trying to hold my family together. As a child. And then for some reason you singled me out and made me feel like less of a person compared to my peers.

I never went to another Christian school again because I was sick of it and it you really just hurt me. A lot. Again I'm not attacking you and I forgive you. But I don't see any point in reconciliation or reconnecting. But I wish you the best and hope you are well.

OP:

 My father passed away last week and frankly you just remind me of one of the darkest times in my life and I don't need those memories right now. I'm moving forward. God bless

Teacher: Omgosh Jacob! I am so sorry! I have fond memories of you but no specifics. I thank you so much for being open and transparent with me. I thank you for your forgiveness and wish you nothing but the best and pray for an abundance of grace all over you.

If I was a bad representation of Jesus in your life, which it sounds like it, I only remind you that I am flesh and please look to Jesus instead! And I am sooo sorry to hear about your father. I lost mine a year and a half ago. Blessings to you Jacob and Thank you again for your transparency and my apologies from the depths of my heart.

The internet did not hold back their thoughts.

Jammora wrote:

So, I came across your post earlier just on random scrolling and it's good to see that you went through with a reply. Sorry if her reply wasn't what you were looking for. I feel like people who respond in an overly religious way to criticisms are using it as a crutch to get out of guilt.

If you decide to reply, and if I was in your position, I would be polite, as you were earlier, but let her know that she should work harder at upholding her values and that as an adult and as an educator she is supposed to be someone that children trust and look up to.

OP responded:

She no longer teaches. She is the mayor of her city. and it’s definitely a crutch.

Jammora wrote:

Sorry man. That being said, she's a leader now. She should be even more accountable. But as a politician, she's definitely never going to admit wrongdoing in text.

redbus_greenbus wrote:

Actually, you handled that really well. Facts only, straight to the point, polite and calm.

Sad to say (or not!!), her response was the opposite. Flailing about and refusing to account for her actions by claiming she's "flesh". Okay then.

I really dislike how she's turned your points and frustrations back on her to try to make out that she's the victim as well (when you said your dad passed and she said she's lost hers too). Nobody cares. Jeeez. Smh. Anyway, well done. You should be proud of yourself on how you handled this cringebucket of an individual.

CloolesDerp wrote:

That was a good reply OP. You've said your piece and unfortunately, her response wasn't what you were looking for. That's on her. But you've done it. I hope you can put her in your past and never look back again.