'AITA for telling my sister that abandoning me had consequences and we’re not sisters anymore?'
"AITA for telling my sister that abandoning me had consequences and we’re not sisters anymore?"
I’m 20F and Rose my old sister is 10 years older than me. We lost our parents when I was 11 in an accident. After that I was put in foster care, Rose had the option to become my guardian which she turned down. I get it, she was living her life and didn’t want to become parent to her 11 year old sister. I don’t blame her for that. But I was hoping she’d still be a sister to me.
But pretty soon she dropped all contact, and sent me one video saying having me in her life is too painful for her, I’m a reminder of our parents and she can’t move on if I’m still in her life. Then blocked all contacts. I felt abandoned and hurt and I had lost not only my parents but also the only other person I considered my family.
My life in foster care wasn't easy and I wasn’t very lucky with the foster families. But you grow up no matter what. About 2 months ago she sent me a message on social media asking if I’m ok and if I want to meet. I didn’t show much enthusiasm, to me my sister died alongside my parents, but after a few messages said yes.
When we met, she acted very friendly and I was distant. She’s married and has a son and hopes that I’d meet him one day. The thing was that I felt nothing when I saw her or a picture of her child. I was totally indifferent which she probably noticed and asked what was wrong.
I calmly explained that I understood why she did what she did, but she made choices that affected me and we can’t just pick up where we left off. I’m not that person anymore, and to me the Rose who was my sister died with our parents and I buried her with them and whoever she is, she isn’t the sister I lost.
She tried to apologize but I told her she doesn’t need to, as I’m not owed apologies. Just choices and their consequences. She broke down crying as I sat there pretty much feeling and showing nothing.
She talked about how difficult it was for her and how overwhelmed she was and went on for maybe 10 mins while crying and I let her speak, but in the end told her we’re here because of the choices she made.
Later my boyfriend thinks I was maybe a little too harsh and kind of made things worse for her. It wasn’t my intention of course but that’s what happened.
AITA here?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA She managed her grief by cutting you out of her life. You were a 11 year old child but she was a 21 year adult who made a decision that ultimately led to you being abandoned by the only family you had left. Trying to reestablish contact now and expecting to pick up a relationship that she fractured as if nothing had happened is both insensitive and incredibly unrealistic.
NTA. She’s trying to rush things…
What exactly could she want? Forgiveness? She was an adult and made adult decisions. Ask her what she would tell her youngest they should do in your position. You met her which is more than she should have expected, and you were civil. Live your life and be happy. Her feelings are not your responsibility just like your wellbeing is not hers.
NTA. You are right and I don’t see anything harsh - just polite truth, she is a stranger and it is a product of her choices. It would be harsh if you set a goal to make it maximum hurtful to her - detailing what you went through in foster care and what your parents would think of her etc. etc. You didn’t and I respect you for that.
I would also think about why she is doing what she is doing: it is not for you, OP, it is for selfish reasons (again😒). She feels guilt and this is a way to shut it up. You are again not a human just an object to satisfy her needs. She is not a good person imo and I don’t think you would benefit from having her around: also it is clear that once things go south, she will bail out.
NTA. Worse for her? She didn’t think about that all those years of no contact. Her regrets are not your problem to solve. Just because she is sorry you are not under any obligation to accept it. It is her responsibility to find a way to accept the consequences of her choices.
NTA. Your feelings are entirely your own. You were right, your sister did not owe you to raise you, or save you from foster care. Just like you don’t owe her a relationship now. If she is dead to you, move on.
I don’t say that lightly. I have a biological sister who is dead to me. When people ask me about siblings, I honestly just never even think about her. You are an adult now and living your life continue to do so. Good luck to you.
It doesn’t matter if you made things worse for her. She knows what she did & it was messed up. Choosing not to become your guardian may have been a good decision. She was 21 & probably felt incapable of being a parent. She may have also been told or just built up a fantasy that you’d find a family, be adopted and better off.
But deciding to completely cut you out of her life & leave you alone in the world was a wild choice. A few calls, some texts & emails, the occasional afternoon lunch and xmas present, would have gone a long way to make sure you didn’t feel completely abandoned.
So what you said was not cruel, it was honest. She isn’t the sister you lost & you have no connection to her or her family. Her excuses don’t change her impact on your life. Your boyfriend, who didn’t have your experiences, has no room to judge. NTA.