'AITA for 'abandoning' my husband by refusing to let my MIL with cancer move in?' UPDATED

"AITA for 'abandoning' my husband by refusing to let my sick MIL move in?'

I 35F and married to my husband 36M. He's a good husband and father. His mom and I just do not click. His mother moved in with us without permission last year. I just managed to escape her and get her out because she went back to her home country for a few months vacation.

Well in her home country, she got a full medical work up, including whole body scan and they found cancer. She wants to come back to us and have treatment here. I couldn't stand her before and had told my husband she cannot move back in for any time (even "short period" - which is what she said last time and it lasted a year).

I told him I'm sorry for the news. When he suggested MIL move back in so we can help out and she has no home (because she sold hers and moved in with us - again without permission). I told him, no, absolutely, she cannot move in with us, and if she moves in, I will move out with our kids. I told him if he wants to live with his mom, he should get an apartment and move his mom in with him - while I stay with the kids.

He said I'm abandoning him at his lowest as MIL is his last living relative. I told him I'm not abandoning him, I'm there for him but I refuse to live with MIL. Am I an AH?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

ProfessorDistinct835 said:

She had permission from your husband. NTA. But you have a MIL problem and a husband problem.

NUredditNU said:

NTA. He already allowed her to move in without your consent once. You know if you allow it while she’s getting treatment, it will be much worse for you and you will never get rid of her. He has no respect for you.

OP responded:

She told him she sold her house and will buy a home “near us”… but never made any effort to house shop. And she was just delaying it until she needs assisted facility and called that “temporarily” staying with us. She was very shocked that i tried to stand against her. Overall, she doesn’t enjoy living with me but not enough to rent elsewhere.

i_love_sugar said:

I vote for her to get an apartment. That is a good suggestion you have. He can visit as often as he likes, even move in, and you still keep your home in as much peace as possible.

AccreditedMaven said:

Who is paying for cancer treatment since she has changed countries?

If OP’s country has government funded healthcare, it is possible MIL may be deported as persona non grata as a burden on the system.

OP responded:

She has a greencard. She has social security here too. Been here for 20+ years.

[deleted] said:

NTA, you can support your husband in helping him through this terrible time, but he needs to support you too on this boundary you are setting. He can not be making decisions without you and your MIL can not be making decisions without you or your husband when it comes to moving in

Equal-Brilliant2640 said:

Tell your husband “if you can unilaterally move your mom in, I can unilaterally move me and the kids out. I have already told you I was unhappy you moved her in without asking me the first time. Why would you think I would be ok with it now? I am not going to be her caretaker btw."

$5 says he fully expects you do all the heavy lifting when it comes to caring for her. You’ll be the one to drive her to all her appointments. You’ll be the one making different meals because she can’t eat the dinner you already made.

I know my dad said he found he couldn’t eat/drink a lot of stuff during chemo, it’s changes your taste buds. Beer, coffee and Pepsi/Coke was bitter to him. And I’m sure it varies with each person. This is a hill to die on.

OP responded:

First half is prob what i will say. The 5$ would be lost tho. My husband does all the cooking, he takes our kids to see the doctor as much as me. So at most, i might be asked to occasionally take her to the hospital. Early in marriage, he complained about my cooking, my responses, i stopped cooking.

To be fair, both me and my own mom told him and his mom that i’m a horrible cook and I didn’t really care about cooking. They were ok with it - husband still is, MIL berates me all the time. (I can cook/make food, just not that good. But it is healthy and my kids and i eat fine)

Five months later, she shared this update:

Recap: My MIL who lived with me, uninvited, finally went back to home country. Then notified us she may have cancer. Husband wanted to move her back in. I said absolutely not, even if she did have cancer and if he won’t stop her from coming back to our home, i threatened to leave with the kids.

But MIL does not have cancer. It is a tumor but benign. Nothing to do. She has returned to the states this week. We put her in an airbnb for 2 months (basically short term rental) - husband is helping MIL shop for homes.

Still the same plan. If she can’t find a house, she can keep renting that room for 1500/mo (she’s bitter because it’s one room in a house and it’s expensive) but I’m just shrugging and playing dumb “yeah wow, that IS expensive”.