'AITA for telling my mom if she can't accept my dad IS father of the bride at my wedding then she won't be invited?'
"AITA for telling my mom if she can't accept my dad IS father of the bride at my wedding and not her husband then she won't be invited?"
My parents have been divorced since I (29f) was 2. They shared custody of me until I was 15 when I chose to spend more time at my dad's house than mom's. Mom remarried when I was 6. Dad did not. He hasn't dated seriously either.
My parents had a bad dynamic and parallel parented vs co-parenting. This means they did not agree on punishments and rules for both houses, they communicated only when necessary and there was no "we're still a family even though we divorced" vibe. I very much had mom's house, dad's house and my time there was with that parent, never both.
My dad and mom's husband did not get along. My mom and her husband have always claimed my dad alienated me from her husband. My dad did stuff that some wouldn't like.
When I said my mom and her husband had mentioned me calling her husband dad or something, my dad said he wouldn't like that. He told me that mom was wrong when she brought up me splitting Father's Day between both houses because of her husband.
When I said it to dad he told me he's my dad, not mom's husband and he needed to know his place in this. There was other stuff like that. People have acted shocked when they hear my dad said it but I don't think he was wrong to do it. My mom and her husband disagree. They tried to take dad's parenting time away when I was younger, and they failed.
I never saw my mom's husband as a father figure and never developed a closeness to him. I see him as the guy I know because he's married to my mom and nothing more. Everything he's included in is because of mom not because he's particularly important to me.
He has tried very hard but I wasn't feeling it. Still, for some reason, and even after all this time, my mom believed that on my wedding day her husband would be given the honor.
When she saw a post I made about taking dancing lessons with dad for our father daughter dance she saw red and started yelling about her husband and how he always takes a backseat to dad.
She said that after dad poisoned the well so much she thought he deserved better and that as an adult I would see things more clearly and appreciate that her husband was always there and didn't let my dad push him out of the way.
She said it was an insult to have my dad as father of the bride when he never put me first. I told her we would never see it the same way. She told me I had to because what about grandkids and when they come along, will her husband always be grandma's husband and not grandpa.
I told her most likely. She said that was unacceptable and my dad being acting father of the bride is unacceptable too. I told her if she can't accept that dad IS father of the bride, not her husband, then she won't be invited at all. My mom ranted and raved some more about what an AH she thinks my dad is and how her husband deserves way better. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Your dad is your father. He is literally the father of the bride. He didn't abandon you or mistreat you and you love him so why the hell would he be expected to take a back seat in his own daughter's wedding? Your mum is unreasonable af. It's your wedding not hers. If she wants her husband to be father of the bride so bad then she should give him a daughter.
I agree. Imagine being mad that your kid wants their actual father to walk them down the aisle than her new husband. Mom's entitlement is out of control. She needs to realize that it is OP's day, not hers.
"Mom, this ongoing behaviour towards dad is not longer tolerated. I dont care if you hate him. You've done nothing but try and use me as a pawn in an attempt to win against him. Moving forward, perhaps its best you don't come to my wedding if you can't act like a civilized adult.
If I have children, they will be mine. They will not be having sleepovers with you because I don't trust that you won't be constantly telling them awful things. This is the line I draw. It's firm and non-negotiable. If you cannot accept that, then that's on you and we will take our space."
Your Dad's reaction to Father's Day, etc. was completely reasonable. I'm wondering who would be shocked by that. No, your mother is completely in the wrong. Uninvite her if necessary.
NTA Sounds like mom is projecting. Nothing says parental alienation like trying to force a child to see a non parent as a parent.
NTA. Your dad is your dad. Her husband is not and never will be.
The animosity she feels is obsessive. She’s trying to make the delusion that’s been growing and living rent free in her head for the past 23 years - your reality. What is concerning is she’s never wanted you and your father to have a close relationship and her attempts at alienation backfired, resulting in you choosing to live with your dad at 15.
She had 9 years to facilitate a relationship between you and her husband, without bad mouthing your dad. I can imagine how she’d react if your dad had someone and you happened to be close to them - it would be exponentially crazier.
She’s setting herself up to be the sidelined grandma if/when you decide to have children, her expectations are unrealistic and intrusive. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and enjoy YOUR day. NTA.
NTA in that it’s your wedding and you have every right to include your father. It does sound like your dad did hinder your relationship with your step father at least somewhat. Only you know how much.
Whether your dad poisoned the well as your mom says, or whether you truly never would have felt that way toward your step father, you are 29 years old and old enough to look back on your relationships with everyone and determine if you were manipulated or not. You are correct that this your call.