'AITA for accepting an invitation on my husband’s behalf that I knew he wouldn’t like and refusing to cancel it?'
"AITA for accepting an invitation on my husband’s behalf that I knew he wouldn’t like and refusing to cancel it?"
My husband is a busy person but he’s not such a busy person that he can’t manage invitations from his family and friends if he wanted to. His family and friends act like I’m responsible for his social calendar.
Which I didn’t mind, at first, because I didn’t have anything better to do but I’m tired of being the one to have to say no to everything and it sucks having to deal with people trying to convince me to come to things when I know they only really care about my husband attending.
I’ve tried to get them to go to him directly but he just sends them back my way or ignores them so they come to me anyway. I’ve spoken to him multiple times about not wanting to be responsible for ‘our’ social calendar.
But, he acts like he gets it but then never responds to invites so nothing’s changed. So I’ve done something that you guys may or may not think is petty. My mother-in-law has asked for us to join monthly her family dinners with her side of the family.
I prefer her side of my husband’s family but my husband is closer to his dad’s side so we see them more. Usually, I wouldn’t accept an invite like this without checking with my husband but since she asked him first and he ignored her I decided to accept on his behalf.
The first dinner is on Sunday which is the day we were also supposed to have dinner with his grandfather on his dad’s side but he never told me that was happening and neither did anyone else (his dad’s side have a horrible habit of just assuming we’ll be at something because they’ve told us).
Part of me thinks the dinner with his grandfather is a lie because I know he’s been avoiding his half-brother like the plague since he keeps asking him for an investment and his stepsiblings will be there.
My husband told me to cancel but I don’t want to because my mother-in-law was so happy when I said yes. Also, his sister will be there and I haven’t seen her in forever. I won’t stop him from canceling if he really wants to but he’s turned this situation into a fight because I didn’t ask him first and now I don’t want to be the one to cancel.
He’s basically said if we go to the first one he expects me to tell my mother-in-law this won’t be a regular thing but I think he should be the one to do that since I have no problem having dinner with them regularly. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. Apparently your husband has delegated to you the task of being his Calendar Secretary. He implicitly sent his mother to you when he didn't respond to his mother. If he doesn't like how you are handling your duties as his Calendar Secretary, he is free to demote you and reassign those responsibilities.
NTA, OP. I came here to say this. Your script is: "Husband, either I'm in charge of what social invites we accept or reject, or we both are. I'd be so happy if it was both of us! But so long your response to any social invitation is either to ignore it - so they contact me instead - or to send them my way - it appears you have made me your Calendar Secretary by default.
You obviously don't have to attend these monthly family dinners, but I'm not going to be in charge of organizing conflicting invitations for family dinners I would like to go to. If you want to say no, it's your job to say no. MIL says you ignored her, so she contacted me, and I accepted for both of us. If you want to come up with an excuse for not going, call your mom - I'm not going to."
NTA. Was it petty? Yes. Was it understandable? Also yes. Are you an AH? Absolutely not. I don't generally agree with being petty with your partner/spouse, but in this case I can see why you did.
You made it clear to his family to ask him, which his mom did and was ignored, and you have talked to him repeatedly about not wanting to manage the social calendar with HIS family - you should not have to be a "go between".
Your husband doesn’t get to have it both ways. If he won’t put on his big boy pants and manage his own schedule, he doesn’t get to be upset that you arrange play dates with kids he doesn’t like that much. Next time he complains, remind him that you are not his mother, and he is welcome to handle his own affairs. NTA.
NTA, if he doesn’t want to go he can use his words and tell mommy. Dry tampon energy. Let him know in the future, you will be accepting or declining invites in this fashion when he ignores them, so if he doesn’t want to go then he needs to respond himself. You should continue going to the dinners yourself.
Since you hate managing your husband's social calendar, stop doing it. They come to you, or he sends them back to you? Speak for yourself only. "I'll be there, but you'll have to ask (husband) about his plans".
You could advise them that if they don't hear back from him they should consider that a no. And this dinner with your in-laws - your husband has not committed to going. You might be going by yourself. Hope that works for you.
NTA. He doesn't get to put you in charge if your say isn't final, especially when it comes to his family. There is nothing wrong with occasionally being a go-between, but he has abused that privilege because he doesn't want to be the bad guy and pins it all on you.