'AITA for accidentally sleeping on the couch with my husband while visiting my parents?' UPDATED

"AITA for accidentally sleeping on the couch with my husband?"

My (24f) husband (24m) and I are visiting my family. My husband, kids and I were getting ready to go to our room for bed when my parents started acting really awkward. Like something was off. I asked them what was wrong and my mom quietly told me that my husband should sleep on the couch in the living room.

I was a bit shocked because...why? Apparently my dad doesn’t feel comfortable. I called her and my dad weird and told my husband to ignore them. We finally put our kids to sleep and are getting ready to sleep when my mom barges into the room while we’re changing and says that she doesn’t want us in the same room alone in her house.

My husband is freaking terrified at this point because he was in the middle of changing so he leaves for the couch and my mom says she’s sorry but she’s not in the mood to deal with my dad’s complaining all night.

I pointed out that my younger sister (21f) and her husband have slept in the same room at their house MULTIPLE times and she’s never said anything and she goes “well...your husband is white so your dad feels weird.” I was over it so I said fine.

I got up at like 4AM to drink some water and I saw my husband wide awake just lying on the couch. He said the couch is uncomfortable as f#$k (which yes it is) so I sat down next to him and we both accidentally fell asleep. I woke up later to my mom freaking out. She was whisper yelling (so she doesn’t wake up my dad) and asked if we’re that codependent on each other that we can’t spend one night alone.

I tried explaining that it was a mistake but she kept calling me disrespectful and said that I was selfish etc. I was upset but my son called for me so we ended our conversation. Now I’m wondering if I really am TA in this situation?

My mom says I am because I was being selfish, disrespectful and completely disregarded how difficult her life would’ve become if my dad found us. My whole thing is that it was an accident, I’m 24, my dad is being weird and my sister’s husband doesn’t have to do this so why does mine? AITA?

Edit:

My family and I are South Asian.

Edit: Yes, I know a lot of this has to do with my husband being white and them being racist/prejudiced. I called my parents weird/strange/awkward because of what they were doing (glaring at each other, swearing at each other under their breaths, randomly going quiet out of nowhere etc). They do this pretty often and have been doing it for as long as I can remember.

So much that my sister and I call it the “weird mood."

Like “keep an eye out for mom and dad, they’re in their weird mood.” Sorry for so many edits but this should be the last one. I’m getting a lot of people asking the same thing so I’m just going to copy one of my replies. My kids were not in danger.

We live over 8 hours away, it was snowing HEAVILY and the roads would’ve been icy and pitch black, it was after 11pm, my sons are 2 and 3 and the nearest hotel is pretty far away. Not to mention my husband and I had been driving for literal hours and were completely exhausted. Trust me, we definitely thought about it and BOTH my husband and I decided to stay the night.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

[deleted] wrote:

NTA. WTF! What kind of shenanigans is this? I don’t see why your dad has any issues with you sleeping in the same room with your husband. You guys have kids so clearly s*x has happened. And why is it any different that he’s white?

Why are your parents racist? Do they treat your kids differently because they’re half white? If they do, you need to step up and protect your children from your bigoted parents. And step up for your husband, too.

OP responded:

Right? I’m glad that I’m not the only one who thinks my parents are being very strange. Like idk what they’re so afraid of considering we have literal kids? They treat my children well. If they even dared to say something to them I would definitely not be in good terms with them.

I’m the first person in my family to marry a white person so I understood the initial shock when I told them but that was years ago and I thought that they had gotten used to it. Because of you know what, this is my husband’s first time staying over so I didn’t know this was going to be an issue at all.

I’m still pissed but my husband keeps telling me it’s fine and that we’re leaving anyways. However now that I’ve gotten a few comments I’m thinking of talking to my parents about how weird they were being.

VividEfficiency7347 wrote:

YTA - not for sleeping on the couch, but for not standing up for your husband against the blatant racism shown here. Plus your mum stormed in when your husband and you were changing which your husband clearly said he felt awkward about. OP leave the house and refuse to come back / visit without an apology to your husband and clear rules that are equal for you and your sister.

OP responded:

No I understand that I should’ve stood my ground. It all happened really fast and my sons were starting to get irritated by the noise so I needed my mom to just leave which is why I was over it. I mentioned this in another reply but my husband is insisting on letting the whole thing go for but I don’t want to. Especially now that I’ve read these comments.

yogafunkgirl wrote:

NTA for falling asleep on the sofa next to your husband, but what are you going to do next? Here’s what you should do, set clear boundaries that if your husband will not be respected by your parents, then you can no longer visit their home that includes an overnight stay. You are married, you have kids, they are the priority.

OP responded:

Yes, I’m planning on saying all this and more the second my dad gets home from wherever the hell he was all day.

[deleted] wrote:

NTA. You are adults married to each other with two children and your father can’t “handle” that you are still all of these things while in his house…WTF. And somehow your mother is responsible for enforcing his ridiculous rule. Oh and if he gets upset, that is her fault. So… your father is an AH and your mother has become emotionally immune to it from years of trying to survive such raging AHery.

Good grief. Maybe this is your cue to create a bit of distance here. Or stay in a hotel. Or invite them to you house and have Father sleep on your couch.

P.S. Notice how your father has made your mother completely responsible for managing HIS emotions.

OP responded:

Wow I think you’re completely spot on with the whole “your father is an AH and your mother has become emotionally immune”. I’m already quite distant with my parents (well my dad really) so I’m not too bothered by not visiting them again for a long time.

The only reason we visited is because of my children wondering why we never see my parents while they see daddy’s mom and dad just about everyday. Oh and now I’m tempted to make my father sleep on the couch if they ever visit LMAO.

Two days later, OP responded.

So a lot of people asked me for an update and since I don’t really want to think about this whole situation for some time, I decided to quickly make a post before I put this entire thing behind me. A lot of you were understandably harsh which I appreciate and I admit that I should’ve been more firm and shouldn’t have let my husband sleep on the couch at all.

Yes I didn’t handle the situation too well but I honestly did the best that I could given the fact that my mom was yelling and my children were starting to get irritated and were very close to waking up and crying. We needed my mom to leave so that our kids wouldn’t wake up/cry and so my husband decided to just go to the couch.

I also am quite aware that my parents were being prejudiced/racist towards my husband. I never excused it. The only reason I was calling my parents weird/awkward is because they were acting like that. As in, they were fighting each other quietly/in their heads. This is what I meant every time I said they were acting weird.

Now for the update.

I told my husband that I was really sorry for how my parents treated him. He told me he genuinely didn’t care and that he’s sorry that he’s causing so much trouble.

Yeah...no. I made sure he realized that this situation is NOT his fault. We had a heart to heart talk and eventually decided that we’d talk to my parents together when my dad finally came home. So basically I told them that they disrespected my husband last night.

That we both are married and have kids and are planning on having MORE kids. We were going to sleep in the same room in the same bed just like other married couples and if they had a problem with that then they needed to figure it out because while I made a mistake by not standing my ground the first time, I wasn’t going to let it happen again.

I told them I was 100% willing to go no contact again and that I wasn’t afraid to do so. My dad immediately started yelling at my husband??? He called my husband weak, pathetic and said he wasn’t good enough for me.

He also said that my husband ruined me and my future and that I’m now dirty and sinful and all that. I shut that down right away. I told my dad that he was weak and pathetic not my husband who has been there for me and done things for me that my dad would NEVER in his life do for anyone. That’s when my mom finally decides to jump in.

She told my dad to stop acting creepily obsessive over me, that I‘m not his doll and I’m not his property. She mentioned a few disturbing things I’d rather not repeat as I’m still having trouble processing them myself but she also called him out for being jealous of my husband. My dad left the house and according to my mom he probably went to a hotel or something.

My mom apologized for everything. She even apologized to my husband for when she barged into the room while we were changing. She said that my dad and her had been fighting all day and that she wrongly took her anger out on us. She said she understood if we didn’t want to stay any longer and for the sake of well everything, we decided to leave.

And that’s that. I don’t really have much to say because my mind’s been kind of empty? I’m just numb and sad but also relieved? My dad and I have had a shitty relationship since I was 18 but knowing what he really thinks of me and my family hurts a lot. And it isn’t even because of our culture or religion. It’s just him being a sh#$ty person and because of this I’m going to go NC with my parents. Again.

I didn’t expect so much attention and I’m admittedly really overwhelmed. I don’t use reddit at all and wrote my post out of frustration. Thank you all for your comments/dms. I know that there are things that a lot of you just won’t get due to cultural differences and I didn’t include a few details for privacy reasons but those things don’t really matter.

We’re finally home after the most exhausting days of our lives and again, I feel so incredibly numb. My husband keeps checking up on me in fear that I’m going to have a breakdown but I just don’t feel anything. My MIL and FIL are coming over to babysit the kids while we go out for dinner since restrictions have been lifted so I guess I’m happy for that.

I don’t know but this state of numbness happens to me sometimes and it usually passes in a day or two so I’ll be fine. This is getting very long so I’m going to end it here. I’m sorry if I skipped a few things but I hope you guys understand that I’m not in the right state of mind. Stay safe everyone :)

Edit: I’m still in contact with my mom. I can’t force her to leave my dad but I am helping her and will be there for her if she ever needs me. I appreciate everyone’s comments, advice and kind words. Thank you so very much. Unfortunately I’m going to be logging out as I’m getting a few messages that are actually really hurtful.

Turns out my husband was right lmao. I suppose I am about to have breakdown as the things that my mom told me are beginning to freak me out and overwhelm me. Like a few of you said, perhaps it’s time for therapy.

Thanks once again for all the advice and kindness. :)

The internet continued to respond.

outrageous-ask-2090 wrote:

Good for you for standing up for your husband -- especially since he was ready to let it go, which would have made it tempting and easy to not do the right thing. I'm so sorry for both of you that you had to go through that.

Your father has some serious issues. It scares me a little that you can say that your mom thinks he's jealous of your husband (in was that reads very very creepy from the context) -- it makes me wonder what the worse things are that you can't say...

Please take compassion and support from this internet stranger. Your numbness sounds like shock/trauma response. If you're not already in therapy I suggest you start. It sounds like you already had a lot to process and just got a whole bunch more dropped in your lap. Best of luck, OP.

OP responded:

Thank you for your advice, internet stranger!

I’ll see if I can find time to book a therapy appointment :)

Nonamewoman65 wrote:

Yea it sounds like the whole situation was from this creepy obsession/jealousy your dad has over you. Your mom probably realized it at a point and told him it’s not appropriate but he just can’t accept it. Whether s#xual or not, he has to let go of whatever notions about you he has and accept you as you are - husband and all.

Glad your staying in contact with mom and telling dad to F off! If I ever saw him again I’d say explicitly “I f#$k my husband regularly, go cry about it” just cause that’s me as a person but yea, much respect to you for making it through what was probably a sh#$ty childhood AND this sh#$ty situation. Also, your husband sounds so nice good for you 💚✨

OP responded:

Thank you for the nice comment ❤️❤️❤️

friendlybutlonely wrote:

Have to downvote since OP skipped a lot of things which were part of the story and called us ignorant and incapable of understanding her culture. What does she think? That everyone here is white or American? No Asians here? Or people with similar conservative, racist cultural background? Or that White or Americans cannot understand other cultures?

Staying with her parents, OP has turned pretty discriminatory towards others.

And what privacy?

This is the internet? Is her social security or passport tagged to her account or what?

I think OP just doesn't like being honest or face the truth and likes wasting other people's time. When everyone spent time to give her wonderful advice the first time by telling her to stand up for her husband more she doesn't like giving updates and when she does it's half baked truth.

OP responded:

I didn’t call anyone ignorant. I just said that if you aren’t South Asian or Muslim a lot of things may not make sense which is perfectly okay. I also said that it doesn’t matter in the end either as culture and religion doesn’t excuse anything. By privacy I mean that I don’t feel comfortable sharing everything in too much detail. I don’t know why this is an issue. I know I didn’t defend my husband properly over the couch situation.

I’m well aware and I feel guilty over it (which I know is my fault). I tried making things right and I know a lot of you think I don’t deserve my husband which yes, I honestly think no one deserves him. There is nobody as kind and wonderful as him. And what do you mean by half truth? Did you want me to tell everyone that my dad thinks I’m a disgusting whore that’s only successful because I sell my body to white men?

That my own father objectifies me and has said horrific things about my body? That he has tried doing things to me and I never noticed? That my mom knew and never said anything because she was scared? I’m sorry that I didn’t tell everyone the “full truth” but I’m still trying to process this ffs. I’m trying so hard to not shut down because I have my kids and my husband and they shouldn’t have to deal with this.

I appreciated everyone’s advice and so many of you were extremely kind and understanding. I even appreciate the harsh ones because like I said, I needed to hear it.

I read everyone’s comments and dms and really tried to take everything into consideration to be a better person and I’m still trying to be better despite everything. I’m sorry if that isn’t enough for you and everyone else that’s sending me similar messages.

UnjustifiedBDE wrote:

Good job standing up for your husband, but it sounds like your mom may need support too, hopefully you two can stay connected.

OP responded:

Yes, sorry I didn’t make it clear but I’m still talking to my mom. There’s only so much I can do considering I can’t force her into anything and I live really far away but I assured her that I will always be available to help her. Thanks :)