'AITA for accusing a friend of trying to upstage every bride?'

"AITA for accusing a friend of trying to upstage every bride?"

Genuinely curious if I am in the wrong here and should have kept my mouth shut. Some context: My (ex) best friend from high school, let's call her Sally (currently 39F), has always been a bit of a show-off. She's a beautiful woman who pursued a musical-theatre career and is very talented, so I get it to some extent. She gets work from being noticeable.

However, she did earn some raised brows at my wedding several years ago. As a struggling actress, she warned me in advance that she would not be able to afford a gift. I was fine with that, as many friends were in the same boat and I was happy to accept gifts in the form of help with the prep or anything handmade to remember the day by.

Many helped me with decorations, one made adorable, fimo cake toppers, another offered free photography, etc.. It was quite a small, DIY wedding, as we were young and had a tight budget.

Not only did Sally not offer to help nor gift anything, not even a card with a note, but she showed up at my small, country, backyard wedding at my mom's house as if she were attending the Oscars. I'm talking floor-length, bedazzled dress, giant faux-diamond jewelry (all brand new), full face of professional makeup and bright-red hair styled in a huge, puffed faux-hawk.

She even bragged about how her look had cost her $500+, days of planning and hours of work. By comparison, I was in a short, raw silk dress off Etsy, my vintage shoes were "graffiti" decorated by an artist friend and my bouquet made of music sheets and burlap. Very country casual, which Sally was very much aware of.

Anyway...my bridesmaids, family and I were a bit "wtf?" back then but let it go and enjoyed the day. For several reasons, Sally and I are no longer close. Fast forward to recently: we're coming up to another mutual friend's wedding where I am a bridesmaid and again she's pulling the "I have no money for a gift" card.

However, she also stated that she cannot attend any bachelorette/wedding shower events because she needs to get a bunch of spa treatments and shopping for her "wedding look." Though its been years since my wedding, I kinda snapped when Sally said this and took her aside.

I reminded her that that she's not the bride and her focus should be on being a good friend via actually attending these free events and/or using some of that primping money on a gift for the new couple. We're almost 40 now and her prioritizing looking hot has long since become sad. I don't want her pulling the same crap she did at my wedding and try to literally outshine our friend on her big day.

Of course, I was accused of being jealous. But Sally also showed a more human side in admitting that dressing up is a passion of hers and these big friend events, which often include her ex-boyfriend (who is now married and has a baby with his incredibly beautiful new wife), are hard for her. I immediately felt bad. So, dear internet, AITA for bringing this up?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Stunning_Patience_78 said:

Whoa I hope she knows she isn't "revenge dressing" for her ex, she's making him glad he dodged a bullet every time she acts this way. NTA. It is sad that at 40 she needed to be told this. Usually people can figure it out by that age.

WhereWeretheAdults said:

NTA. No, dressing up is not a passion, being the center of attention is her passion.

Trevena_Ice said:

NTA. This is crappy behavior as well as absolutely selfish. Spending $900 on your outfit for another person's wedding but being too cheap to even get them a card or a present is something - just no. You told her the truth - I would also warn this friend just in case so that they won't be surprised at their wedding by that.

dancepantz said:

NTA she's a classic theatre kid who never had her big break, dolling herself up in an attempt to make her ex's wife jealous.

Esham said:

Nta. She's a narcissist, that's how they function. She got called out for it, spun it around on you with some sob story, now you feel bad. If she struggled with her ex so much she wouldn't go. She rather be the darling of the ball at any cost. Narcissist.

Frozenblueberries13 said:

NTA. Even her response on why she dresses up focuses on her feelings and her passion, not her actions or how she makes others feel. Her ex is there to celebrate the couple. She’s there to…get attention from her married ex…? I highly doubt your conversation will make any substantial difference, but at least now she can’t claim ignorance if she does it again.

QuestionWestern8423 said:

NTA. I might have felt bad too, the facts however, are that she continues to spend a lot on herself for one day yet has no money for a gift and seems to not be able to find a compromise and get something small nor the time for pre-wedding events. That's not what a (good) friend would do.